


Exhale

by phoenixreal



Category: Bleach
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Control, Denial, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Father/Son Incest, Flashbacks, Gaslighting, Hurt Ichigo, Ichigo-centric, Kurosaki Isshin is the Bad Guy, M/M, Multi, Non-Consensual Bondage, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Pedophilia, Post-Fullbringer Arc, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2018-08-29 20:35:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 57,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8504488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixreal/pseuds/phoenixreal
Summary: Sometimes, things are not what they seem. And sometimes they are so much worse.Canon Divergent, post fullbringer arc: Ichigo ends up in the hospital after a failed attempt to treat himself in his human body. He ends up unintentionally revealing truths that no one wants to believeWARNING: ISSHIN IS THE BAD GUY. This is a canon divergent where Isshin has always blamed Ichigo for everything that happened with Masaki, and has consistently abused him since he was ten years old. Everything else is as canon except for this. Ichigo has hidden what has been going on from everyone, including Soul Society.Byakuya/Ichigo/Renji





	1. Forgetting How to Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration music – Sail, AWOLNATION
> 
> Sorry abou t this, but this story is entirely AppleCider’s fault, AGAIN. I’m working mostly on On the Training of Doctors (my Nanowrimo project is finishing it, look me up if you want, phoenixrea ), but I’m in a way Bleach Canon Divergent mood otherwise. I guess the reason I post so many stories is to keep the ideas fresh. Once I release On the Training of Doctors (2/17/2017 it will be available on Amazon, btw, or through me for special deals), I plan on going through and finishing all my fanfics and providing nice looking pdfs for you wonderful people to save and keep if you want to. That means the old ones that are super rough around the edges will be getting a much needed revamp. Stay with me until after the holidays, folks. I won’t let you down.
> 
> Check out http://chainsoffate.ashesofreality.com/ and join my mailing list. Primarily focused on original but now and then there will be a Bev's Fanfiction Corner featured now and then!

 

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The first breath when regaining consciousness was always painful, at least when he’d had his ribs pummeled again. However, Ichigo didn’t think he’d ever hurt this much when he came awake as he struggled for breath. He knew there were a couple broken this time. He couldn’t get enough air, and pain was slicing through his chest on the right side. He coughed and spit blood and knew he needed help with this. He couldn’t heal this by himself… He couldn’t just let this go and hope no one noticed. He needed Orihime, Hachi, or Tessai…one of them would work, but then they’d tell someone, wouldn’t they? I mean, he could push off the rib fracture, and what he was sure was a collapsed lung as getting in a fight. But the rest? He could say it was someone that jumped him. But they wouldn’t believe him. No one in the World of the Living had the power to do something like this to him unless he didn’t fight back. Which, of course, he hadn’t. He never did. He never would.

He let his eyes flutter open and tried to remember what exactly happened this time. That’s right. This morning there was a rough client at the clinic. His father had ended up having to send her to the emergency via ambulance and she’d died in route. When he came back, everything had gone bad. He didn’t remember exactly what it had been he’d said, though. He remembered his head slamming into the doorframe and stumbling after his father into his own room, and then landing hard onto his bed and trying not to scream… Ichigo shook the thoughts away. No, he needed to focus on his breathing, not the rest.

Ichigo Kurosaki refused to let anyone know what happened, what had been happening since he was ten years old. He could not let them know. Not anyone. How would they look at him? He was a Shinigami again, surely he could stop this. He could. But at what cost? People would find out. And he couldn’t leave even though he was an adult by human standards now. He had to take care of Karin and Yuzu. They more than anyone couldn’t know about it. That was so important. They couldn’t ever know. They couldn’t know that their father wasn’t who they thought he was. They could never, ever find out. He would stay in this house; he would endure, until his sisters were able to leave. Then he would leave and everything would be okay. He could do this for four more years. He could. He was strong enough for that…right?

He got enough wits about him to push up to hands and knees, very sure know his right lung was collapsed. He could do a chest tube if he needed to, he’d had one before. He could re inflate it. He just needed to get to the clinic and get what he needed. He could grab antibiotics while he was there. He could do this. He could fix this without anyone knowing. He could manage to get there. He couldn’t go to anyone in this condition. It was too easy to tell what had just happened.

That thought was nearly crushed when he face planted into the floor instead of standing up like he wanted to. Great, he thought, breaths heaving in his chest. He gave himself a minute and then pushed up off the floor and watched his room waver in and out of his vision.

 _“King?”_ came a voice in his head. No.

He wasn’t going to let him know either. He growled and pushed Zangetsu’s presences deeper and heard him scream at him. He’d had a hard time keeping Shiro at bay since his powers were returned by Soul Society. There were areas that he kept closely guarded, and this, this was one of them. Shiro had knocked at the wall a few times when he’d first gained his power, but he’d held his ground. This time, though. Shiro was more powerful, and he was scratching and clawing at that wall that protected all of this in his mind. He wanted to know what Ichigo was hiding from him. And Ichigo was hiding it very well.

He got up to his feet this time, though. He grabbed the black yukata and wrapped it around himself. It wouldn’t show blood. Usually, he’d go to the shower now, but he didn’t think he’d be able to do it until he’d done something about his lung. If he was lucky he could throw himself into a fight with a hollow and convince them that the injury happened then so he could heal it. He’d done that a couple times since he got power back. He stumbled down the steps, glad that the girls were at school. He had no idea where his father had gone. He always disappeared afterward. He supposed he had to come down off whatever the hell he was high on.

That was one of the things that the girls couldn’t know. Ever since their mother had died, Isshin Kurosaki had a close relationship with prescriptions. He’d take one or two out of patients’ scripts when he gave them out, and no one knew any better. Or he simply used what he had. It wasn’t so bad when he didn’t take the ones that made him angry or violent. When he took the ones that mellowed him out, Ichigo got a reprieve. However brief it was. The hallucinogenic ones, though, had led to the worst days Ichigo had had as a child and teen.

Today had been one of those days.

Ichigo knew, of course, that the effect was a combination of things. Isshin took an anti-depressant and a couple other mood things legitimately. Sometimes, he’d take amphetamines with it.  The combination left him nearly incoherent with anger at the slightest provocation. That was how it started.

The first time, Ichigo was ten. He sat with a bloody nose in the bathroom; scared out of his mind as his father stood and told him how it was his fault he’d gotten hurt. He should have kept his mouth shut and stopped crying. He’d turned eyes up on the man he didn’t know anymore. An hour later, he’d come and doted on him, apologizing to him and cleaning his nose gently, and sitting for a long time with him afterward. Ichigo had been confused, so confused.

It didn’t happen again for nearly a year, but then it happened more and more often. No matter what he tried, Ichigo couldn’t seem to avoid making his father angry. And then one day the truth of what was happening fell from his father’s lips, and he understood, everything was his fault after all.

“If she hadn’t given birth to you, she’d be alive still. You killed her with your first breath.”

Once Ichigo understood, he began to realize that he did deserve it. His mother died protecting him, after all. And he was the cause of everything. When he found out the truth, about how his father was a Shinigami, and that he had essentially been what called the hollow Grand Fisher to them that night because of his uncontrolled spiritual energy… He realized he was indeed the cause of all their suffering.

His very birth had led to his mother’s death. He’d been the power that the Grand Fisher was looking for, and it had caused her death. He had been taken away their mother. He’d taken away everything from his sisters just by existing. He’d taken the heart of their family. And when Isshin raged at him, he never failed to remind him of that fact. Again and again. Karin and Yuzu never heard it. The whispered comments when no one was looking. The accusing stares that followed him. Those quiet moments that were full of more meaning than words could ever say would stretch on forever before him.

The first time he’d come into his room when things changed, he’d been thirteen. And thinking of that, he nearly threw up because in some ways he couldn’t excuse that. But maybe that’s the way it was supposed to be. The things that Isshin showed him, it seemed to be something that happened often in the world. He wasn’t going to be with anyone else in his life, he knew.

He stumbled through into the clinic and went to the cabinet with the supplies he needed. This was going to hurt like hell, he thought to himself. He pulled down the chest tube equipment and pulled open the yukata. He winced at the massive purple bruising that was rising on his side. He swallowed and felt down to a spot between his ribs where it needed do go and cut into his side. He gasped out as the blood ran down from it. His hands were shaking so much that he was having trouble with the tube. He heaved a breath and finally got it to slide between his ribs. He panted as he slipped it into position. He waited as blood ran out of the tube for a second and he gasped, hoping the stupid thing re inflated. He suddenly could breathe easier, and he coughed up another glob of blood and leaned his head back with a thump against the wall. He had a mess to clean up, though. But first he needed to shower. He couldn’t have the girls get home and see him like this. He reached down and realized the blood was starting to dry on his legs. Great…that meant it had been an hour at least. He needed to hurry before the girls got home from school.

By the time the girls came home, Ichigo had managed to clean up any traces of blood in the clinic and the house, shower, and have a snack set out for them. Since he was between high school and college, he had a little bit more time. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to go to college, though. That would mean leaving Yuzu and Karin. And Yuzu looked way too much like their mother for him to let that happen.

_If you didn’t look so much like her, I wouldn’t want to do this. Yuzu looks like her, too. So much like her._

Ichigo shook away that memory quickly. He smiled as the girls came in and chattered about school. To the outside, they had no idea.  He smiled, joked with them, and tried to act like everything was normal. It was normal, at least, his normal. His father came back in as Yuzu was cooking dinner and he talked to all of them like nothing was wrong. Ichigo saw his eyes weren’t red and dilated now. That was good. He did everything he could to keep him away from the girls when he was on something. Sometimes it was a struggle, but he managed. He usually paid for it in pain and blood, but if it helped his sisters, he’d do anything.

Nothing was out of place all evening, and everyone went to bed like normal. Ichigo, though, was in a lot of pain, and he wasn’t sure if he was out of the woods, so to speak. He knew, very well, that draining the blood and inflating his lung was temporary. He needed to get healed as soon as possible. He swallowed thickly and got up, nearly passing out. He grabbed a jacket as he slipped out of the house and headed…where?

If he went to the hospital, they would know him. He was Isshin Kurosaki’s son. But this late, maybe he could convince them that he had been mugged, and leave before they got anything substantial. He could go to Orihime, but she always knew what injuries someone had when she used her sun sun riki. And he couldn’t have that. He bit his lip and thought that the others, Tessai and Hachi, would have the same thing. They’d do a scan before they used healing. Shit, that left the hospital as the only option, because he was still coughing blood, and his breath was getting tighter. He could leave his human body, but it wouldn’t help, and if his human body died…he wondered what would happen to his spirit body?

He didn’t want to find out. He managed to get to the emergency and looked around. The night crew didn’t have any faces he knew. He walked up to the counter, clutching his side.

“I think…my lung…collapsed…” he said breathily, teetering very nearly on the edge of passing out.

That put everyone into a flurry of motion as he was put in a wheel chair and whisked into the back. Everything blurred out for a while, but when things came back this time, he wasn’t in excruciating amounts of pain.  He blinked and found himself looking up in the face of a very pretty young nurse.

“There you are, sweetie,” she said and smiled at him. “You scared us for a minute there. Did you do try to put in a chest tube by yourself?”

Ichigo nodded, blinking. “I know how to do it, just…was shaking, might have messed it up…” he said as he realized he was drugged up on pain meds. “Wait, I can’t…can’t stay…gotta go…”

“Oh now, sweetie, you aren’t going anywhere. You’ve got the start of a nasty infection, and the police are going to want to talk to you, they’re in the waiting room,” she said and smiled at him.

“Uh uh, no, m’fine, let me out of here, where’s my clothes?” he said as he realized he was in a hospital gown. His badge had been in his pants pocket.

“They’re put away safely, sweetie. Can you tell me your name?” she asked.

“No, no, just…I can’t give you my name,” he muttered and sat up suddenly, pulling all the IVs and lines off as he slid to the floor. His head was spinning, though and he stumbled and fell to his knees. “Why…what…” he muttered as he felt hands on him and he saw the pretty nurse coming around with a syringe. “No!” he gasped out.

He needed his Shinigami form right now to get out of this. But he couldn’t get out of his body like this. He didn’t think about the fact that if he released his soul form, his body would still be here, in the hospital, only ‘dead’ for all they could tell. He didn’t know why he thought this was a good idea. He should have known they wouldn’t just treat him and let him go. It was stupid on his part. Completely stupid. At worst he thought he could sneak out. He didn’t count on them giving him medicines. He tried to pull away again, but there were two more sets of hands that seemingly materialized when he wasn’t looking.

“Hah, no…lemme go…” he muttered as he managed to slip their grip and nearly got to the doorway. He may not have been in his Shinigami form but he was still faster and stronger than humans. He fell to his hands and knees and scrambled to his feet and felt someone catch him under his arms. He gasped and looked up, locking eyes on Ryūken Ishida who was holding him under his arms and staring at him with a very confused expression.

He yelped as the nurse managed to inject whatever she had into his thigh. He felt his eyes roll up into his head. “Don’t…don’t tell him…don’t…tell him I’m here…” he said as he felt the last vestiges of consciousness slip away.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Shiro sat in water that was waist deep. He was worried again. Ever since he’d been returned to King, the walls had gotten closer. Everywhere in Ichigo’s inner world was accessible to the two spirits except for a small building that sat outside the range of everything else. Zangetsu stood beside him.

“Whatever is in there is important,” Zangetsu said softly. “Whatever he’s hiding is why this world is flooding.”

“Something is different since his power returned,” Shiro said as he looked at the plain looking house. It was completely out of place among the sideways skyscrapers. It was Ichigo’s house in Karakura town. Only, it was completely inaccessible to the spirits. There was a hedge around the place where all the leaves had turned black and died, and each black leaf was edged with frost. It was covered with thorns. Shiro walked around to the front where the door was covered by a barrier of what looked to be ice. The area around the door was starting to freeze moving outward. Between the barrier and the door was a nearly translucent looking butterfly was madly fluttering around trying to escape.

“This house has always been here, but I never thought much about it,” Shiro said and looked at the door, feeling the reiatsu react violently when they neared it. “But now, it is bigger and more visible. I need to get into this place. We need to find out what he’s hiding. Whatever it is, it’s causing the rain and the ice, and I have a feeling that it is going to eat him alive. Look.”

Zangetsu looked where Shiro was pointing. The black thorny vines were creeping away from the house and beginning to overtake the building next to the house. Zangetsu frowned. “This is deep. This is old, Shiro. What is here…I am unsure the results.”

“He is actively blocking me from even being able to see what’s happening at times. He is putting all his power into hiding what is currently happening. If we attack this while he’s putting his energy into hiding what’s happening in the present, we may be able to breech the barrier,” he said with a deep sigh. “I think it might be the only way. Wait, he’s unconscious,” Shiro said as he went back to being able to sense the world outside Ichigo’s body.

“Can you take control from him?” Zangetsu asked.

Shiro glared at him. “You want me to take control?” he asked confused.

“It is going to be necessary at some point, I feel. There is no other way to deal with this. Whatever this is, it is beginning to eat away at him. And that…” he said and nodded toward the clear barrier. Shiro realized that the ice was spreading faster, starting to cover the rest of the house. The butterfly was frantic to get out of the space, but there was no way for it to get out. “That is important, but I am not sure how yet.”

Shiro nodded and took out his sword and began to swing at the barrier. It resisted him, but he kept at it. Zangetsu watched impassively.

“Continue this and he must give energy to it. When he attempts to push us away from what is happening in the outside world to him, he won’t be able to protect it. You will either get into this place or you will see what is happening outside. Either way, we will know more of what is causing this.”

Shiro nodded and swung into the ice again. It arced and he watched as the ice began creeping up the next building.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ryūken Ishida was one of the few people in the hospital that most the other nurses and doctors gave a wide berth. He was often unpleasant and curt. To be honest, not many people liked him. However, he was on call and they had to deal with him. The emergency doctor handled most things that came in, but as the surgeon on call, he was brought in on anything requiring actual surgery. It was no surprise when a patient came in with a collapsed lung and what looked like a knife wound that he was called in. They’d prepped the patient by the time he got there and scrubbed up. To be honest, all he could tell was the patient was male with all the intubation equipment hooked up to him. The drapes and the head covering disguised the patient entirely. He frowned as he looked the wound over. It wasn’t a knife wound.

“This is...this is a scalpel incision,” he muttered and looked over the films. “Did…did he try to put a chest tube in himself?” he asked no one in particular. “Fractured rib punctured the upper lobe, right lung. Lower rib below major fracture is slightly cracked as well with no danger of puncturing the lung. Three other ribs are severely contused,” he spoke out loud as the recording device picked up the voices in the room. “Patient appears to have inserted something through a scalpel incision in between the two ribs that are fractured. It is possible patient attempted to drain and re-inflate his lung on his own. Site is clean, however.”

After everything was done he scrubbed out and let the nurses take care of the post surgery recovery. He was curious though, and looked over the films. One of the other doctors walked up, the emergency physician for the night. “Did we get an id on him yet?” Ryūken asked.

“No, no identification on him, but I’d think with that obnoxiously dyed hair someone would recognize him,” Dr. Takanawa said beside him.

Ryūken blinked and started to ask what color his hair had been but Takanawa turned and headed to his next patient. He headed up to the nurses station and started going over the file and as he looked at it, something tickled the back of his mind. He looked up at one of the nurses. “Has the John Doe woken up yet?”

“No, but Dr. Jintao just came out with a PRAK,” she said, looking up to Ryūken.

“A PRAK?” Ryūken said and flipped through the papers on the file. “He’s been sexually assaulted recently…” he muttered. He looked over the other doctor’s notes. “Why did they even check for that? Did he say something?”

“No, when he passed out, and we were getting him out of his clothes to see if he had any other injuries, he was bleeding still, wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t been. Dr. Jintao insisted on a kit, just in case he’ll talk. But you know how it goes with the male vics,” she said sadly, shaking her head. “They never want to charge their attacker. Too bad, he’s a cute thing. And weirdest hair color,” she said with a smile. “Dr. Takanawa thought he had dyed his hair, but it’s natural, hair below’s the same color,” she said with a slight blush. “He looks like he’s Japanese, so I’m not sure why he’d have hair that color.”

“Wait, what color…” he said as he looked up to hear all the monitors going off in the room where his patient had been taken. He saw a couple of the orderlies go in and he took off to the door just in time to catch him as he nearly got out of it.

He stared for a minute but the nurse managed to get the sedative into him from behind and he gasped out “Don’t…don’t tell him…don’t…tell him I’m here…” right before he passed out.

Ryūken looked at the nurse. “Move him to my floor. Nothing on the record about his description, list him as a John Doe and leave it at that,” he said as he helped the orderly get him back into the bed.

“What? You know him?” the nurse asked with a frown.

“Just do what I said, nurse. Or do I have to tell the head nurse that you won’t follow orders again?” he snarled at her and headed to the elevator.

He had a million thoughts going through his mind at that moment. Ichigo Kurosaki just came into the emergency in a state like this. He didn’t go to Orihime or one of the Shinigami healers, and he’d tried to deal with the collapsed lung on his own. Whatever happened, he didn’t want anyone to know about it, and Ryūken had no idea who “he” was that he didn’t want to know anything about where he was. He was tempted to call Uryū, but he worried that it might get back to whoever Ichigo was running from. Who in the world would Ichigo be running from? He knew he’d been given his powers back, so there was no reason for him to be in this shape unless it was someone far more powerful than him. But there were no defensive wounds. The only contusions were on his body, and there were none on his knuckles and arms. He hadn’t fought whoever had done this.

Ryūken went up and found that they’d listened, moving him to the surgery floor. He grabbed the chart, noting that they’d done as he asked, removing hair color and marking him a John Doe. He took the chart with him and went in and sat beside the bed. They’d restrained him, of course. After he nearly got away before being close to being cleared to leave, they had little choice. His right arm had been strapped at wrist and elbow to keep the IV lines from getting dislodged if he did fight the restraints. Ryūken pulled on one of them. He didn’t think Ichigo would be able to break them in his human body. He sighed and ran a hand over his head. Dammit. He hated Shinigami. But he knew who Ichigo’s mother had been. So in a way, he was more than a Shinigami, and there weren’t many of them left now.

Ryūken went over and increased the dose of one of the sedatives. He knew Ichigo would burn through the drugs faster than most, and he needed him to stay put until he could figure out what was going on. Luckily, he had no other emergency surgeries. Just as the sun was rising, Ichigo started to stir, coming off the heavy dose of the benzodiazepine he’d been given.

“Wha…” he muttered and tried to lift his arms. He seemed foggy, which Ryūken was glad of. He leaned forward so Ichigo could see him. His hazy brown eyes locked onto Ryūken’s.

“Ichigo,” he said to him. “You’re restrained. You can’t get up right now. Do you remember why you’re here?”

Ichigo swallowed and blinked several times. His brain was skipping and he needed to come up with something, anything, to tell Ryūken. The problem was, any excuse he made was going to sound hollow to someone who knew him. But he’d try.

“Got jumped,” he muttered. “Guy stabbed me…” he said and tried to look at Ryūken but his gaze shifted.

“No. That’s not what happened. I went in and drained your lung, you tried to put in a chest tube. You told the nurse the same thing when you woke up after you came up out of anesthesia.”

“I…” he stammered. “Didn’t ‘member that…” he said and sighed. He hated when he couldn’t keep track of what he said.

“I was curious why you would come here, when Inoue is far more capable of fixing anything that might be wrong with you. A punctured lung and broken ribs should have been easy for her to deal with,” Ryūken said with a sigh. He realized that Ichigo was avoiding his gaze. “And that wasn’t your only injury.”

Ichigo’s head snapped around and he stared at Ryūken. It might not have been noticeable if Ichigo wasn’t coming down off a heavy dose of Valium, and was currently on a rather high dose of morphine. As it was though, Ichigo was obviously having a lot of trouble not showing emotion on his face. Ryūken didn’t even need to ask to know that he knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Who did this, Ichigo?” he asked, and he felt both angry and sad at the same time.

Ryūken looked up to see two police officers standing in the doorway. He shook his head and nodded to them. “Please be quick.”

The officers nodded to him. “We need to take a statement from you about what happened last night,” the first officer, a female one, said.

Ichigo swallowed and Ryūken could see he was trying to come up with an answer. “I…I went out after dinner for a walk, and I was walking past an alley…um, this guy, in a black outfit and a mask jumped out, he had a knife. I…I didn’t have anything so he…he got mad.”

The first officer was making notes. “The officers picked up a sexual assault kit from the doctor that saw to you. Did this man attack you?”

Ichigo swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, he stabbed me,” he said and pointed to his ribcage where the chest tube was still draining from it. “Um, and then he…did that…and I got here…and that’s all.”

“Did this man have any identifying features?” the second officer asked.

Ichigo shook his head. “I didn’t…see any…I couldn’t breathe.”

The officers nodded and left with their statement, and Ryūken knew that the one thing that Ichigo wasn’t counting on was the PRAK that had been collected. Ryūken knew the person at the lab that would be doing the test. He intended to have them compare the DNA sample to Ichigo’s own blood sample. It would take up to two weeks before the DNA results were back for it. Though as he watched the officers leave, he figured he knew how to push it through faster.

He had to give Ichigo credit; the story would have held up, if Ichigo had been a normal human, it would have been feasible. Ryūken knew it for what it was: a complete fabrication. When the police had left the unusually calm Ichigo, Ryūken went back up to the bed. He put a hand on his wrist and felt the flinch.

“Let me help you,” he said after Ichigo tried to ignore him for a while. “Tell me what’s happening, Ichigo. I know we haven’t been around each other much, but…Uryū trusts you and cares about you, and no matter what I say, he has a good judge of character. I know that this must be hard for you, but telling me is an option.”

“I told you everything,” he muttered, refusing to meet his gaze. “There’s nothing more to tell.”

“You’ve told me nothing,” Ryūken said with a sigh, his mind working on who it was that Ichigo was protecting. “I know that you’re trying to hide who did this to you. You have some idea that they deserve your protection, but they don’t. Whoever did this needs to be held accountable. This…this isn’t the first time this has happened is it?” he said suddenly, surprising himself by making such an accusation.

Ichigo’s eyes, though, revealed everything Ryūken needed to know. The report had indicated as much, aside from the current injuries, he had older recently healed injuries. This was consistent abuse. This was more than he was willing to admit.

“Just go!” he said and Ryūken saw his heartrate skyrocket on the monitor. “Leave me alone, I don’t want to say anything to you! Leave me alone! I’m fine and I just want to leave!” he said and Ryūken nodded, leaving the room and shutting the door. He heard the distinct sound of the monitors starting to lower, but he didn’t mistake the sound of someone trying not to sob out loud.

Ryūken headed to his office a few doors down and sat down for a long moment. He swallowed and pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialing a familiar number.

“What do you want, Ryūken?” Uryū said sleepily. “It’s like seven in the morning.”

“I need you to come to the hospital. Now. Please.”

There was a long pause. “Alright, what’s going on?”

“Just get here, I don’t want to talk on the phone.”

He put the phone down and waited. About a half an hour later, he heard the knock on his door. “Enter.”

Uryū came in, looking concerned. “What’s happening?”

“Sit down,” Ryūken said as he gestured to the seat beside his desk.

Uryū was confused, but he did as he asked, sitting down and watching his father. The call out of the blue was unusual. Even more than that, he said please. That was out of character. He waited.

“I had a patient last night,” he started.

“You aren’t supposed to tell me about your patients, remember?” Uryū said, not wanting to deal with the legalities of his father giving him information. He was starting school to become a doctor and he didn’t need his father messing that up.

“Uryū, just listen,” he said softly. He pushed the file to him. “Just…look.”

Uryū picked up the file. He glanced at Ryūken for a moment, then looked down. He shook his head as he read through it. “What…what is this? This is one of your patients, it says John Doe. Who is this?”

“Ichigo Kurosaki.”

Uryū looked up and stared at Ryūken. “What?”

Ryūken shook his head. “He won’t say anything. He gave a ridiculous story to the police that he was attacked by someone and stabbed. He wasn’t stabbed. He tried to put his own chest tube in, and admirably well, considering the pain he had to be in.”

“I don’t understand, this says…this says he was sexually assaulted, and they did a PRAK on him, and collected enough evidence to possibly get a DNA sample. And it says that he has other recent scarring. I don’t…he has his powers. No human could do this to him.”

“He didn’t fight whoever it was, Uryū,” Ryūken said. “The police are going on what Ichigo told them. They’re not looking further. Nothing will come of that. He has no defensive wounds. None.”

“Why…why would he let someone…” Uryū started. “It would have to be someone important, someone he didn’t want anyone to know was doing it, and he didn’t want to get in trouble. Someone…wait…you don’t think…” he started and looked up at Ryūken with a shock.

“I do.”

“But…but…I…” Uryū couldn’t even think at the moment. “But…he’s a Shinigami too! And his father! You can’t…you…” Uryū said as he looked over the contusion map. Nothing on the extremities. Targeted damage to the ribs, hips, sides, and back. Older contusions were present. Older breaks that had healed were present. “How…how did he…”

“I don’t know everything, Uryū,” Ryūken said. “But I need you to handle this. Without him knowing I’ve talked to you about it. You need to find out for sure. We can’t just accuse Dr. Isshin Kurosaki of abusing and raping his own son. Ichigo’s not going to talk, that’s obvious. He’s come up with a cover story, and he’s sticking to it, verbatim.”

Uryū nodded. “Can Orihime come heal him when you release him?”

Ryūken nodded. “Send her to see him tonight or tomorrow. I’m clearing him for release soon since I know she can take care of it. I want you and anyone else you trust to stay close to him. We need proof before we can deal with this.”

“But…his father is a Shinigami. He can’t be dealt with here,” he said, looking up at his father.

Ryūken shook his head. “No, he can’t.”

Uryū swallowed dryly and stood up. “I’ll contact Rukia,” he said as he headed out of the office.

Ryūken stared at the office phone for a long time. He couldn’t put it off any further. He needed to call Isshin. The police had his name and everything, so there was no hiding it. Ryūken changed the information to Ichigo’s name and sighed. If Ryūken found that Isshin was at fault…he wasn’t sure he could handle this. He sighed and dialed the number.

“Kurosaki clinic!” came the cheerful voice of one of Ichigo’s sisters. Sudden realization hit Ryūken about why Ichigo might not resist his father hurting him blossomed in Ryūken’s mind.

“I need to talk to Isshin,” Ryūken said sternly.

“Okay, just a minute,” she said and there was a change of hands.

“Isshin Kurosaki, can I help you?”

“Isshin, it’s Ryūken. I’ve got some news…” he started.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Uryū stood outside the hospital and nearly shook with…something. Anger? Hurt? He had no idea. He pulled out his phone and stared at it for a long time before calling both Orihime and Chad to meet him in a coffee house so he could tell them what had happened. When he was done, both were staring at him openly.

“We need to talk to Rukia,” he said, finally. “After you’ve healed him, we need to get him away, to Soul Society for some reason that Isshin will believe is a valid one. Maybe he’ll talk when he’s not here.”

“Can we…can we trust Urahara-kun?” Orihime asked with hopeful eyes.

“I’m not sure,” Uryū said with a sigh. “I think we need to assume no. So we need to get Rukia here for another reason.”

“I’ll do that,” Orihime said with a nod. “I’ll go now.”

“You can’t let on you suspect anything,” Uryū said and looked at her. “We have to be careful. Isshin Kurosaki was a captain before he left Soul Society. He’s not something to be trifled with.”

After Orihime left, Uryū looked at Chad. “Is there anything you ever saw that might have happened?”

Chad shook his head. “Ichigo never said anything to me. He always has been fine, just would get into so many fights…”

They sat together for a long time until Uryū’s phone rang. It was Ichigo’s father. He looked at Chad and answered it. “Ishida,” he said.

“Ishida-san, it seems Ichigo got into a human scuffle. I tried calling Orihime to help, but she didn’t pick up. Do you think you and her could come by tonight? I have to pick him up at the hospital, but once he’s home, she can take care of it. He got stabbed in the side of all things!”

“Yeah, sure,” Uryū said and hung up. Uryū stared at Chad for a long time.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ryūken went down to get Isshin when he arrived. He took him up to the room Ichigo was in, giving him the story that Ichigo had given the police. Isshin listened.

“That boy will never learn how to avoid a fight,” Isshin chuckled. “Good thing he got his powers back, now he can go burn off some of those desires on some hollows,” he said as he pushed opened the door to Ichigo’s room. Ryūken didn’t miss the fact that his son reporting he’d been raped didn’t seem to faze him.

Ichigo looked up when he came in and didn’t say anything for a minute. “Hey, Pop,” he said and smirked suddenly. “You should have seen the other guy.”

“I bet, son,” Isshin said and ruffled his hair gently. “Ryūken’s arranged for me to take you home in a few hours. Orihime and Uryū are going to meet us there, and we’ll get this mess sorted out, alright?”

Ichigo nodded, and Ryūken saw something that began to concern him even more. Ichigo wasn’t afraid of him. In fact, he was looking at him with genuine emotion, not just faking it. He left to get the paperwork and looked back at the room. Ichigo was staring at him and when he leaned over and patted Ichigo’s cheek, there was no reaction to the touch. He came back with the discharge papers and got him discharged. Isshin helped him into the requisite wheelchair.

“Ah, my boy, you should do better next time,” Isshin said with a grin. “You let that guy get in too close, can’t let that happen.”

If Ryūken hadn’t been on the alert for things, he would have missed the slight bow to Ichigo’s head at Isshin’s words. He watched them leave and felt more worry now than he had before.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Uryū and Orihime got to Ichigo’s place just after dinner. Isshin answered with a grin. “Hey, he’s up in his room resting. Thanks so much for coming by to help him. Don’t wake him up, though,” he said and the two headed into the room. They hadn’t brought Rukia with them, but they had told her everything. She was waiting at Orihime’s apartment until they got done at Ichigo’s house.

Ichigo was deeply asleep when they went in. Orihime used her shield and winced as the information was relayed to her. The reports weren’t exaggerating. After a while, she stepped back. Ichigo was still completely out. They both wanted to wake him up, but they also didn’t want to do so.

Orihime looked at Uryū. “It was true, what you said,” she said quietly. “I don’t think Kurosaki-san knows that I can read injuries like this. That…that might be why he wanted me to do it.”

Uryū nodded. “Do you think it could really be Ichigo’s father? To do this…” he whispered.

He suddenly had a thought. He looked around then went to Ichigo’s desk.

“What are you doing?” Orihime asked in a hushed whisper.

Uryū rummaged until he found a small journal tucked all the way at the back behind a strip of wood. The drawer had a hiding space Ichigo had made into it. The notebook was tattered, torn, and looked to have been through a lot since it had been bought. Uryū slipped it out and into his pocket and kept looking in the space he had uncovered.

“You can’t take his things!” she whispered, looking at the door and back to him.

“I’m going to find out what’s going on,” he muttered as he found a small bottle with pills inside it. He pulled that out and pocketed it. His fingers brushed something small and plastic. He pulled it out to see it was a flash drive. He put that in his pocket too.

“Won’t he miss those things?” she asked.

“If he does, he won’t say anything, he’s hiding them for a reason.”

They headed down the stairs and told Isshin that he’d been healed up but he was still asleep.

Isshin thanked them again and saw them out. He headed up to Ichigo’s room and went in, locking the door behind him. The girls had gone to a friend’s house for the night. He sat down on the foot and looked at his son. Despite so many attempts to quell it, an inexplicable rage rose in his chest. He shook Ichigo’s leg and his eyes fluttered open. He looked down at him. In his mind, what he saw was a copy of his dead wife in many ways. It wasn’t a child, it was a thing, a creature. He knew of the hollow, of course. He had suspected his son had inherited the thing when he was born, and had it confirmed when he saw the Vizard mask for the first time. He was a defiled creature from the day he was born, to be honest. Tainted by the soul of Aizen’s creation, Ichigo would never truly be a Shinigami. Never. He was filthy, ruined.

“Inoue came and took care of your wounds. Now, why did you go to the hospital?” Isshin said softly.

Ichigo pulled to sit up against the wall. “Lung collapsed, I tried to fix it, but it didn’t work right, so I went there. I thought…I thought I could leave after they treated it. I…I didn’t think about them giving me pain medications and sedatives.”

“Of course you didn’t think. That was a stupid mistake. You realize how stupid that was?” he said, that same eerily calm voice that Ichigo was so used to. “You never think. That’s how you get into these messes. You act before thinking. Kami, I’m glad your mother isn’t here to witness how stupid her son is.”

Ichigo swallowed and nodded, biting his lip as he looked to the window. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be,” Isshin said as he moved to sit closer to him. “You should be very sorry. You almost got us into trouble. You weren’t being daddy’s good boy. And if that happens, all your friends will find out what you are.”

Ichigo swallowed again and nodded. “I know.”

“Do we need to discuss what happens if you can’t keep things to yourself again?”

Ichigo shook his head. “No, I know,” he whispered.

“Let’s have a refresher, why don’t we?” Isshin said and smiled at him.

If Ichigo didn’t know better, he would have thought that smile was for him. He knew it wasn’t. At least he was sober right now. That was good. It meant being berated verbally would be all there would be tonight. Unless he decided to do it while he was clear headed. He had a few times, but with Karin and Yuzu in the house, Ichigo didn’t think he would do anything besides talk.

“Tell me what they are, Ichigo. Tell me our rules.”

Ichigo looked at him for a minute. “Don’t…don’t talk about what happens in here,” he said quietly. “Don’t…don’t go to a hospital. Don’t leave a mess. Don’t be a bad boy,” he said and stared at a spot on the blanket between him and his father.

“Who is the only person that cares about you? And who will take care of you no matter how useless you become?” Isshin said and moved closer again, placing a hand against Ichigo’s face.

“You,” Ichigo answered tightly.

“Right. No one would have you, no one but me understands you, remember? I’m the only one who can handle you, the only one you are a part of. You are mine, my good boy. Why?” Isshin said and Ichigo winced as his hand clutched his face tighter.

“Because of me, Karin and Yuzu don’t have a mother, and you don’t have a wife,” he said and that statement was something he truly believed. “And I didn’t deserve the short time I had with her.”

“That’s right,” Isshin said, smirking. He reached into his pocket and tossed two pills into his mouth, dry swallowing them.

Ichigo looked at him. It didn’t take long, his eyes went black almost and Ichigo knew what he was going to do. Again.

“Please, Pop,” he whispered as he looked up into eyes that were not the father he remembered from so long ago. “Please, don’t.”

“Oh, that’s not good,” he said and Ichigo could tell it was one of the bad ones. “You look so much like her, you know,” he said and ran his hands over Ichigo’s head. “Now, show me what a good boy you are,” he muttered.

Somewhere in between the pain and humiliation, Ichigo was certain he forgot how to breathe again.

* * *


	2. Between the Gasps

_Be a good boy._

The first time he heard that phrase, he didn’t understand it. Not really. 

_Be a good boy for daddy._

The words themselves echoed around his brain like some sort of broken rubber ball that couldn’t stop. He sat with his knees tucked to his chin and rocked back and forth against the wall. He hadn’t been able to sleep after he left. He was sure he’d twisted his wrist again, and his shoulder felt weird. The throbbing in his lower back was almost enough to make him weep. He wouldn’t, though. He swallowed and knew that this wasn’t over, not by a long shot. He’d make him suffer for going to the hospital and letting someone like Ryūken Ishida see him in that condition. He didn’t want to think about what would happen over this weekend. He figured he would be okay, though, the girls would be home, so he should be fine.

There was a knock and he looked up to see it was Karin.

“Anaki,” she said. “How are you feeling?” she asked, concern lining her face. “Pop told me about what happened. How’d someone get the jump on you anyway?”

Ichigo sighed and looked away. “I’d rather not talk about it, it’s over and done with so don’t worry about it.”

Karin narrowed her eyes at him then shook her head. “I was just coming up to say Yuzu and me are heading to the beach this weekend with a couple of girls from the soccer team.”

Ichigo tried to keep his face neutral, and he thought he had. He hadn’t because Karin noticed the flinch. She had no idea why, though. He nodded. “So we’re on our own for food, huh? I better do the cooking. Last time Pop tried to make something, the pan caught fire…” he said with his face twisting into a smile. It looked fake, though, now that Karin looked at him.

“Yeah, maybe order take out, but we’re heading out in a little while to go,” she said and turned and left.

Ichigo watched her go and nearly let out a sob. He didn’t want to be alone with him all weekend. He had to find something to do. He had to find a reason to get out of the house. He grabbed his phone off the table and texted Tatsuki. A few minutes later she responded that she had a martial arts meet in Kyoto over the weekend. Ichigo swallowed and texted Chad. He stared at his phone for twenty minutes without moving until Chad responded, saying he was working this weekend at the animal shelter. By now, Ichigo’s hands were shaking. He texted Uryū next. By now, his mind kept repeating a mantra begging that something could be done this weekend with him.

_Hey, anything going on this weekend for you?_

A few minutes later, Uryū texted back. _Um, not really. Why?_

Ichigo breathed out and smiled. Good. _Just was wondering if you and Orihime wanted to go to the park tomorrow._

Ichigo was so focused on his phone he didn’t hear his door open and he blinked in surprise when his phone was snatched out of his hands. He looked up to see Isshin looking at it. He then texted back on his phone and then glared at Ichigo and tossed the phone back to the bed.

Ichigo shakily picked up the phone when he left, slamming the door slightly.

Uryū had answered. _Sure, what time do you want to meet up? I’ve been wanting to take Orihime out on the weekend for a while._

His father had typed in a response, though. _Oh, sorry, some family stuff came up. Next weekend?_

Ichigo bit down on his lip and looked up toward the door. This wasn’t good at all. He’d never done that before. He’d never interfered in anything he planned with friends or when he was asked to do something by the Shinigami. He blinked and pulled out the drawer and realized his badge was gone. He swallowed and shut it again. He couldn’t even get out of his human body without that. He put his head back down on his knees and stared at the phone. He could tell Uryū. He could tell him the truth. He could get him to come and help him leave tonight. He could. But…no. He was serving penance after all.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Uryū stared at the phone. That concerned him. He looked up to see that Orihime and Rukia had arrived at his apartment.

“What’s going on? You’ve been putting me off since I arrived yesterday. You wouldn’t even tell me where you went last night after I got here,” she said with a frown. “You just said to go to Urahara’s until this morning, that there was something important we needed to talk about.”

Uryū glanced at Orihime. “Look at this,” he said and passed her the phone.

“What…that’s weird…” she said softly.

Rukia grabbed the phone from her and looked at it. “Why’s this weird?”

“Come in, it…it will make sense soon,” Uryū said and ushered them into this kitchen. He slid the file over to Rukia.

Rukia picked it up and looked through the pages, and as she did her face changed. “Wait, is this what I think it is?”

Uryū nodded. “We don’t know what’s happening to him for sure. Ryūken thinks that it’s Isshin…” he said quietly.

Rukia looked at him. “Why?”

“He won’t talk,” Uryū said. “Ryūken tried, but he just got mad at him. Gave the police some story that some random stranger jumped him night before last. That’s impossible. Even without his Shinigami abilities, he could have taken out one human. And now?”

“And he didn’t fight them,” Orihime said softly. “His knuckles were clean, there was nothing to say he tried to stop them. He knew who did this, and he didn’t stop them.”

Rukia looked at her and Uryū. “How…what do we do?”

“We need to get him to Soul Society, away from Isshin, and maybe get him to tell us what’s happening,” Uryū said with a sigh. “I don’t know anything else to do.”

“We can tell Isshin he’s been summoned to Soul Society for something,” Rukia suggested. “But I don’t know if I can get them to actually back me up on that.

“But this message worries me most,” Uryū said as he tapped the phone. “He was trying to get out of the house, and then this that he suddenly has family things going on.”

“He should be fine with the girls at home, right?” Rukia asked. “I mean, if it is his father, he wouldn’t do something with the girls there, that would be too risky.”

Uryū nodded. “I just don’t know who to trust.”

He sighed and slid the small journal over toward her. She opened it and saw that it wasn’t a journal, it was more of sketchbook. Throughout the pages were various sketches and doodles that were, quite frankly, disturbing. It could be written off as stuff Ichigo had seen as a Shinigami. There were sketches of gory dismemberments, grisly wounds, and worse. She shut it and Uryū sighed.

“I found this too,” he said and showed her the flash drive. “It has a password though, and I haven’t figured it out yet. “And this,” he said and tapped the pill bottle.

“What’s that?” Rukia asked.

“It took me a bit to identify it. It’s ketamine. There’s no conceivable reason for Ichigo to have this, it’s an animal tranquilizer.”

Rukia nodded. “I’ll go talk to my brother. Maybe he can help,” she said as she stood up. “I’ll be back when I find out something.”

Rukia left and headed through the senkaimon quickly. She made her way to the sixth division to find her brother. She knocked on the door and waited for him to call out. She opened the door and saw him and Renji were both at their desks.

“Do you need something, Rukia? I thought you had gone to the World of the Living for the day,” Byakuya said as he flipped through papers.

“I need your advice, nii-sama.”

Byakuya looked up at her and nodded. “What is it?”

She still had the file Uryū had given her. She handed it to her brother. “I…I don’t know what to do.”

Renji got up and came around to see what it was that she’d given Byakuya. As he scanned it, he realized it was some sort of a medical file detailing someone who had been in an emergency. He saw that the person had been beaten up badly, and sexually assaulted just as badly. “Who is this?” Renji asked, noting that the doctor was listed as Uryū’s father, Ryūken Ishida.

“Ichigo.”

Both Byakuya and Renji looked up at her sharply. “What?” Renji asked.

“This is his file. I don’t know what happened, but Uryū said he made up some story about being jumped by someone. But he has his power back, and even without it, he could have defended himself from any human.” She swallowed. “But whoever did this, he didn’t fight. He didn’t have any defensive wounds. And he refuses to say who did. Uryū…he says that he thinks it…was his father.”

“Isshin Shiba?” Byakuya said and looked at her. “How could that even be a possibility? He has done so much to help Ichigo.”

Renji swallowed and glanced at Byakuya. “What do we do? He…he’s one of ours. Both are.”

Byakuya nodded. “This…this accusation is heavy. We can’t do anything without some sort of proof. The head captain will want to hear of this. I’ll go discuss this with him. After everything that Ichigo has done for us…I can’t imagine him ignoring this situation.”

“There’s…something else, Nii-sama.”

Byakuya looked at her. “Orihime healed him up, and confirmed what that says. But…Uryū had gotten a message from him, asking if he wanted to go do something tomorrow, then almost immediately said, no never mind, I’ve got something else to do. Uryū is worried that something is going to happen after this thing at the hospital.”

“We should go through,” Renji said and looked at Byakuya.

“I cannot yet. I’ll send you with Rukia. But do not confront Isshin Shiba. Do not engage him. If you can find proof, come back to me immediately and I will intercede,” Byakuya said as he stood and headed out of the office to see the head captain. Renji looked at Rukia and they both headed out to the senkaimon and the World of the Living.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo knew that he wouldn’t hear anything the rest of the day. He didn’t leave his room, though. He wasn’t going down there with the girls both gone. He had no idea if he was even home. His father was extremely good at hiding his reiatsu, and Ichigo still was terrible at sensing it. He got up and started to grab his notebook when he heard the door open behind him. He swallowed and saw his father was there.

“Come downstairs, son,” he said and Ichigo nodded, closing the drawer and following him.

Isshin pointed to the living room and Ichigo realized what this was. The girls hadn’t left for a weekend in a while, and this hadn’t occurred since the last time they were both wrong. He swallowed and sat down, staring at the floor. He should have grabbed one of his pills before this, but it was too late now. He flinched as Isshin fell into the couch beside him.

“I’m displeased with your actions,” he said and flicked on the TV. “So I thought we’d have a bit of fun, tonight, yes? Watch some new videos I found and play with some toys.”

Ichigo nodded and looked to see that The Bag was beside him. Ichigo remembered vividly the first time he had seen The Bag. It wasn’t long after the second time he’d come to him, when he brought a plain black bag into the room with him. He supposed the things inside The Bag were supposed to be pleasant for some people, but the way Isshin used them it was anything but. The Bag appeared in nightmares sometimes, and he had to shake them away as he heard the clinking of metal on metal when Isshin moved, sliding a hand down his leg.

“Are you going to be a good boy?” he asked.

Ichigo nodded slowly. He had to be, or he might do something bad to the girls. “I’ll b-be a good boy,” he said as he felt his hand sliding down between his legs and he was trembling again.

“And why will you be a good boy for daddy?” he asked and Ichigo gasped as his hand clenched him.

“T-to make sure that we’re a happy family.”

“And it is hard to be a happy family since you took your mother away from us, isn’t it?” he asked and Ichigo saw the video start on the TV. “Remember when I found you with this kind of thing, when I found out what you wanted me to do to you, to punish you for what you’ve done to us…”

At that moment Ichigo gasped out because his defenses inside his inner world exploded while he was trying to keep Shiro from seeing what was happening now. He would know. He would know it all… He couldn’t think straight but he winced as he was pushed down over the coffee table. His head was wrenched up to see the television by the hair.

“You like watching those boys, don’t you?” he breathed into his ear. “Begging their daddies to fuck them, to hurt them, punish them, like you want…”

Ichigo’s eyes were burning and he just wanted to disappear as the images began playing on the TV. Watching them was rare, and he was glad of that. They were more violent and depraved than ever before. Images of what were billed as fathers and sons played over and over and he just stared at it, trying to ignore reality, trying to focus on what was on the TV. He didn’t do a very good job once he heard the Velcro on The Bag open. And then, he couldn’t keep Shiro at bay anymore, because he wouldn’t let him as an incredible feeling of anger flooded his mind.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

The moment Ichigo began blocking them from the outside world, Shiro flew at the house with everything he had. The ice shattered and flew everywhere and Shiro felt the absolute horror rush through Ichigo’s entire soul. He was occupied, though, and still hiding what was happening right at that moment. So Shiro took that moment and threw the door wide and entered Ichigo’s hell he kept locked away.

_“What is this?” Isshin said, snatching a worn magazine from a much younger Ichigo’s hands. Ichigo looked at him with wide and frightened eyes. His ribs were still sore from the day before when he’d said something about his mother._

_Isshin looked at it and back at Ichigo. “Where did you get this?”_

_“A boy at school gave it to me…” he muttered._

_“We’ll talk about this later,” he said and left the room, leaving thirteen-year-old Ichigo sitting on his bed._

_Later that day, after his sisters had gone to a friend’s house for a sleepover, he came back and drug him down to the living room. He held the magazine in front of him. “Is this what you want?”_

_Ichigo’s face colored. It was a magazine story about a father and son’s incestuous relationship written out like a manga. His friend had given him just that one section when he wondered what it was he was reading. It was graphic and very violent. The boy had been caught drinking sake, and the father punished him by spanking him, but then it went from there. The boy begged his daddy to stop, that he was hurting him...but the daddy didn’t stop, and the boy started to like what was happening by the end._

_Ichigo tried to tell him no, that it wasn’t anything like that, he just wanted to see what it was, but he had been cuffed on the jaw. He was trying not to cry out as he was flung over the back of the sofa and when he tried to yell, his father’s hand clutched around his mouth and the world descended into a world of pain. He tried to make it make sense. He tried to think about it._

_He sat in the shower an hour later, sobbing into the water, mortified at what had just happened and not knowing what to do. He looked up as Isshin came in and knelt in the shower with him._

_“I love you, Ichigo. I do. But I hate you so much for what you’ve done. But I love you too much to send you away, and you look so much like your mother. So, this is ours. Do you understand this? No one will know about this. It isn’t their business what I do with you because you belong to me. You are mine because of what you’ve taken. You are going to be my good boy.”_

_A year or more later, Ichigo was pressed to the wall, Isshin’s hand cutting off the blood on the sides of his neck and making him dizzy as he did so. He didn’t even remember what it was, but he didn’t think it was anything. He was just high. He’d figured out it was the pills that made this happen. There was a look in his eyes, one that he knew immediately what was going to happen. A hard day at the clinic, too many pills, it didn’t matter. He was stress relief. He was important. And his father loved him, of course he did. Like all those boys who had daddies that loved them enough to claim them like his father had. Not everyone did that, and it made him special, especially since it was so easy to have discarded him. He didn’t scream anymore, though. He’d realized it was pointless._

Shiro was almost driven to his knees by the intensity and number of things hidden here. He blinked and was rocked with another, more recent one.

_“You can’t even keep the power you earned from that unholy thing inside you.” Pain, blood, but never where anyone could see. “You’re useless. You got everything from your mother, and you wasted everything. It is always wasted on you! Why do I even bother to give you my love? Huh? Why do you deserve it? Maybe your sisters would be more deserving…”_

_“No!” he yelled, stumbling to his feet, an entirely human boy before his Shinigami father. “I love you, and I want you to love me, I’ll be good, I promise, I’ll be a good boy!”_

_“You’re dirty, that’s what you are. Soiled, tainted, disgusting. I should kill you myself and cleanse this world of that creature.”_

_“Please, no, daddy…” he said and when he called him that, Isshin’s eyes blew wide and Ichigo knew it. It would divert him away from talking about the girls. It would keep him from threatening to hurt them. Even if it meant he’d suffer for it. He was fifteen now, and he should have been able to stop it, run away, anything, but he wouldn’t. He’d call him daddy, and he’d let him do whatever he wanted. For his sisters, but there was also a part of him that wanted him to treat him like this again…to be daddy’s good boy again._

Shiro was almost breathless as he stumbled through another memory.

_“Well, look at you. You know, I realized something,” Isshin said as Ichigo stood in the restored Shinigami form. “I wasted a perfectly good chance to teach you some very important lessons while you were a Shinigami before. I, for some reason, though you might tell someone what happened between us,” he said as he walked around him, looking him over. Ichigo’s hands were in fists and he was shaking. It had stopped after Rukia. All of it. Then, when he lost his power, it was so much worse than before. But now, he wasn’t scared of Ichigo telling someone. He knew he wouldn’t now. “But I realized what a good boy you were for daddy, right?”_

_Ichigo swallowed the bile rising in his throat. He wanted to say no, but he nodded instead and glanced over to see that The Bag was on the floor. His breath hitched._

_“Now, you understand. I’m not so much more powerful than you, right, son? You are strong, and you could leave easily. But you won’t, and you won’t break the rules, will you?”_

_Ichigo shook his head as he felt hands sliding under the shoulders of the kusodo, pulling it off his shoulders. “You didn’t answer me, son.”_

_“I…I won’t.”_

_“Do you love me, son? Like those other boys loved their daddies?” he asked as he moved around and pulled at the obi on the hakama. “I love you like they loved their boys. You’re my boy, right?”_

_Ichigo swallowed a ball as he felt the material slip off his hips to pile at the floor. He could stop it. He could leave right then; he could move faster than his father. He was probably stronger than him now._

_“I love you, daddy,” he whispered instead as he felt hands on his bare hips now. “I’m your good boy.”_

_“Of course you are,” he said…_

Shiro stumbled out of the house and fell to his knees, vomiting as much as a spirit could vomit, which turned out was quite a bit when they were this disgusted. “Zangetsu!” he cried out, looking at his other half. “What…what is this…”

“Ichigo’s hell.”

Shiro’s eyes widened as he could feel the outside world suddenly. Ichigo was done fighting Shiro because he knew that he had broken through the barriers he’d erected.

“King,” he gasped, feeling incredible shame and humiliation at being found out. Shiro closed his eyes and covered his face because he couldn’t move. He was frozen in absolute horror, and torn between anger and Ichigo’s conflicted emotions. At the same time, Shiro knew he loved his father deeply, and at the same time he was afraid of him. He wasn’t afraid of what he could do to him, he was afraid that he’d do something to his sisters. He loved him and hated him. He was disgusted by himself, and he wanted to be punished and hurt because of what he felt he’d done.

“No, King,” Shiro said softly as the rain started again. Only this time, it wasn’t rain. It was ice.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

He woke up in the middle of the night and knew why he couldn’t move. He felt the metal, metal that he could break if he wanted to, of course. But he wouldn’t. He panted through a shock of pain up his spine and blinked with his face buried in the pillows. He heaved a breath, finding it hard to breath in the position he was bound. His arms were behind his back, cuffed, and then cuffed to his ankles directly. He coughed into the gag. It wasn’t a gag, well, it was, but it was one that jacked his jaw open. This is why he hated The Bag. He twisted his head to the side and saw Isshin had fallen asleep on his back. He couldn’t remember when they’d come upstairs to his father’s room. He didn’t want to remember what happened between the space of time since he woke up that morning and now.

He hurt unbelievably bad and he knew he’d put one of the awful plugs into him and left it when he passed out. He’d apologize when he woke up and realized he’d left him like this. He’d swear he didn’t mean to, and he’d sit with him on the floor of the shower and pet his head and tell him how good he was to have endured such a thing all night. There was a huge puddle under his face though and he tried to scoot away from it. Every move jostled him, though. He stopped moving and just panted into the sheets. Maybe he’d suffocate, and then he wouldn’t have to wonder if he should tell anyone. Maybe someone would finally see what happened when he couldn’t speak it.

Times like this, when he was between, in this space where he was unable to move out of fear that doing so would cause Isshin to be angry at him, were the times that he thought the most about this whole thing that he went through every day since he caused his mother to die.

_You didn’t._

_I did._

_King, you didn’t kill her._

_I might as well have. If I hadn’t been born…_

_If you hadn’t been born, I would have gone to one of your sisters. I was going to be in one of her children, Ichigo._

_You don’t understand._

_I understand really well, King. I just got done living through nearly ten years of your life in the worst possible way. He’s messed with your head. Something’s wrong with him, not you._

_You exist, so that alone makes something wrong with me._

_King, stop, you can’t, just break those handcuffs, get up, and leave, please…_

_I can’t. I can’t do that. I’m deserving. It’s my penance._

_For what? For existing?_

_That’s enough._

Shiro went silent and he found a way between sleep and waking. He flinched when he felt Isshin’s hands on his wrists, unlocking the cuffs.

“You did a good job, such a good job,” he said as he ran hands down from the small of his back to the back of his knee as he lowered his ankles.

Right now, Ichigo just wanted to be let up. That’s all. He winced as the plug shifted but didn’t come out. Isshin leaned over. “That will stay, understand?” he said into his ear and Ichigo felt his heartrate increase. “And it will stay all day, and if it doesn’t, I will lay you out like this and then show your sisters what you let me do to you while they’re gone.”

Ichigo swallowed and nodded, feeling the release on the gag as he worked his jaw and hoped that he wasn’t going to…

“But first,” he said and grabbed Ichigo’s head and pulled him to the floor in front of him. “Deal with this.”

Ichigo nodded. He didn’t know if he was high yet, but he might have been. He didn’t want to test him, though. “Good,” he said, and Ichigo heard the sound, the slight slurring. Good, he thought. He was on a narcotic. At least the day would be quiet.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Renji and Rukia stepped out into the World of the Living and went to Uryū’s apartment. Uryū came out and nodded to them. “I haven’t been able to get a hold of Ichigo all weekend. I went by and no one answered, but I can’t ever tell if Isshin is there, he masks his reiatsu well. I’ve also noticed he can cover other people’s reiatsu. So, I have no idea if Ichigo is there.”

“What day is it?” Rukia asked.

“Monday, and I…” Uryū started but his phone rang. He saw it was Ryūken. He put him on the speaker. “What is it, Ryūken?”

“Uryū, I…I pulled some strings. I got the kit pushed through he lab over the weekend. Uryū, there’s a DNA match to Ichigo’s indicating a parent/child relation. There’s no doubt. I can’t stop it, though, the police already have it, and I’m not sure what is going to happen. I…had hoped for more discretion but when I asked them to test against his own blood, I think someone got suspicious.”

Uryū looked at Renji and Rukia. “What…what’s going to happen?”

“It depends on him. He can run, no doubt. He might try to do something to Ichigo if the police get there first, I don’t know, Uryū, and I have no idea how fast it will happen…” he said with concerned voice. “I couldn’t get hold of anyone in the police that will talk to me about it.”

“Alright, um, okay…” he looked at Rukia and Renji.

“I’m going to get Nii-sama,” she said and took off at a run back out.

Renji was just stymied by what was happening. “We…we need to get to him. Now.”

Uryū nodded. “Okay, um, we can go tell them that…that…something, I don’t know, we’ll think on the way there,” he said as they left at a near run.

Renji exhaled as he knocked on the door. The door opened and Karin stood there glaring. “What are you doing here this early? We haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

“Um, just wanted to see if Ichigo wanted to go…go…” Uryū stammered, going completely blank for what they were going to do.

“Go?” Karin asked, arching a brow.

“Go…help me surprise Rukia for her birthday. Um, he’s good with that sort of thing,” Renji said with a sudden grin.

Karin narrowed her eyes at him. “Whatever, he’s up in his room. He said he wasn’t feeling well this morning, so don’t bother him too much.”

Renji and Uryū nodded and headed up. Uryū looked up because he heard cars. Shit, that was going to be bad for everyone. They needed to get Ichigo out of the house before they got here. Renji knocked lightly on the door.

“What do you want?” they heard.

“Yo, it’s us,” Renji said.

There was a sound and then he answered, “Come in.”

Renji opened the door and to anyone it would seem Ichigo was just fine. He looked placid, sitting cross legged on his bed with a book his lap. He looked up at them. Renji, though, saw that his eyes were bloodshot badly, and there were some very light bruises around his mouth. If the light hadn’t been perfect, he wouldn’t have seen it at all.

“Hey, wanna come with me to work on a surprise for Rukia?” he said, trying to sound casual.

“I guess, I mean…” he started but the doorbell rang followed by loud knocking. Ichigo frowned and got up, heading to the door.

“Hey, no, let your pop get that,” Uryū said.

Ichigo stopped and turned back to him, but when he did he staggered almost into the wall. Renji moved quickly and grabbed him by the arm. “You okay?” he asked.

Ichigo shrugged him off and started to say something, but the bell rang again. He headed down the stairs and both Renji and Uryū followed at a clip. They got to the bottom just as Karin opened the door.

“What is our house today, a train station?” she growled then realized there were two uniformed police officers at the door. Ichigo came to a stop just at the bottom of the stair, almost being run into by Renji.

The female officer, though, saw him, and Ichigo knew her from the hospital. She had been one of the ones that had taken his statement.

“Shouldn’t you still be on bedrest?” she said and Ichigo paled. The girls didn’t know anything more than he got jumped and stabbed. They had not been told the rest that had been reported by the hospital.

Karin looked from her and back to Ichigo. “Oh, when he got hurt,” she said, remembering that he’d been to the hospital. “Well, not much keeps my brother down for long. No random jackass jumping him is gonna lay him low for long.”

The female officer walked in, past Karin and looked at him. “But that’s not exactly what happened, is it?”

Ichigo shook his head and swallowed. “That…that…I gave my statement. That was what happened.” He was really regretting how bad the weekend had been right now because he was struggling to hold himself together.

“What was it, then?” the other officer said. Ichigo didn’t recognize this one.

“Th-that I was walking and a guy grabbed me, and he stabbed me with a knife…and…” Ichigo said, looking between them.

“What did he look like?” she asked.

Ichigo opened his mouth and tried to remember what he’d said. “Uh, dark hair, dark eyes, I don’t know, it was night…and…I think he had jeans…”

She sighed. “That’s not what you said before.”

Ichigo shifted and crossed his arms. “Well, I don’t know, I…I…it was a lot that happened,” he said and looked away from them just as his father came down the stairs behind him.

“Officers, can I help you?” Isshin said as he came down by Ichigo and put an arm around his shoulders. “Is this about the incident the other day? As you can see my boy is already up and about! He heals quickly,” he said and squeezed Ichigo’s shoulders. Ichigo was still avoiding the officers’ gazes.

“There’s been some new evidence acquired, and I need both of you to come down to the station for a little while,” she said as she glanced at Karin and Yuzu who were staring at the scene.

“What for?” Ichigo blurted. “There’s…there’s nothing else to say! I just…I don’t remember everything exactly because…because…”

“Because you were lying then, just like you’re lying now,” the male officer said and the female one glared at him.

“Stop, don’t antagonize the vic.”

Karin frowned and moved up. “What does she mean you were lying, Anaki?” she asked.

“I’m not lying! I just…don’t remember, that’s all, and I don’t want to go anywhere, so just…”

Renji saw the grip that Isshin had on Ichigo tighten and the set of Ichigo’s shoulders seemed to wilt at the touch. “I think he’s been through enough, don’t you?” Isshin asked.

“I really need you both to come with us,” the female officer repeated, but this time she locked eyes on Isshin. “Please. I don’t want to make a scene in front of your daughters, Kurosaki-san.”

Isshin blinked. “What? I don’t understand, my son and I aren’t leaving unless we know why.”

The female officer sighed. “I was hoping to do this privately rather than in front of your daughters, Kurosaki-san. But, since you’re going to insist, Isshin Kurosaki, I’m afraid you are under arrest.”

Isshin blinked and shook his head. “For…what?”

“Kurosaki-kun,” she said, looking at Ichigo. “Can you come over here, sweetie? Away from him,” she said gently.

Ichigo tilted his head to the side. “I don’t…what are you doing? Why would you arrest my father? He hasn’t done anything…I don’t…”

Renji stepped up behind him. “Ichigo, do what she says.”

Ichigo turned to look at him and then Uryū. “No. He…he didn’t…” he said as he stared at him. “He…what did your father do?” he asked Uryū, realizing that the only possible explanation was the Ryūken had called someone.

“Ichigo, he did what he thought was right, I…I didn’t have anything to do with it…” Uryū said nervously, looking at Renji and back at him. “He just wanted to help.”

“I don’t need his help!” Ichigo growled and shook his head. “I didn’t need him to do anything but fix my side so I could leave!”

“I know, I’m sorry it has to be this way,” Uryū said as he glanced at the female officer. “He told them to check the kit against your blood because he…he…knew you were protecting someone.”

At those words, Isshin’s eyes went wide and he locked eyes on the female officer. Of course, he knew immediately what that meant. He knew what would happen if they took a kit and checked it with Ichigo’s DNA. He knew that they would have immediately seen that it was familial. Isshin sighed and shook his head.

“It’s okay, son. We’ll get it sorted out. Don’t worry, I’m sure it was just a mistake, so let’s go with the officers so we can get everything settled,” Isshin said as he turned a far too bright smile on him.

For some reason, Ichigo felt a sudden rush from inside, and he knew it was Shiro. He shook his head and tried to push Shiro down, but in doing it, he was also dropping outer barriers. The female officer looked very concerned as he looked at her.

“Ichigo?” she said and stepped forward. “You are going to be safe, okay? He can’t hurt you anymore.”

Ichigo winced, jerking back from her. “Wha…no…there’s nothing…why are you saying this? I can’t…why…what…” he was losing all of his controls that he had retained tightly. “I don’t need your help!” he yelled. “None of you! Just leave me alone, I’m fine…I don’t…”

He wasn’t fine, though. He was starting to hyperventilate as he tried to control it all. He was trying to focus on the floor at his feet like he did when he needed to escape into his head. When he looked up, the lady was cuffing his father and talking quietly to him. He shook his head and looked at her and then the other one who was staring at him. The male officer moved toward him and moved to grab him. Instinctively, Ichigo lashed out, kicking the guy away from him and pushing backward into the wall.

“Don’t touch me!” he screamed at him, his breath heaving at the sudden rushing blood in his ears.

“Ichigo,” he heard his father say and he looked up at him to see him smile at him. “Be a good boy for daddy,” he said as he turned away.

Ichigo lost it then, the world blurring in and out as he felt someone holding him and he wanted to get them off him. He just wanted them to get away from him, to stop…

“Ichigo!” he heard and he turned to lock eyes with Renji’s dark ones. “Ichigo, calm down, you need to calm down, okay? It’s me!”

Ichigo grabbed Renji’s arms and looked at him. “Am I a good boy?” Ichigo asked just before he passed out into his arms.


	3. Struggling to Surface

Renji held to him as the female officer came over to them, talking into her walkie at her shoulder. Karin and Yuzu were standing frozen as they watched Isshin being taken out of the house in handcuffs and their brother having had a complete breakdown.

“I’m Yana,” she said to Renji. “I talked to Ichigo at the hospital last week. I knew he was hiding something,” she said as she checked his pulse where Renji held him against his chest. “I didn’t think…” she said with a sigh.

A few minutes later another couple officers had arrived and taken Karin and Yuzu to the station until they figured out what was going to happen. Ichigo still hadn’t come back to consciousness by the time an ambulance pulled up. Renji looked at Yana.

“C-can I go with him?” he asked.

Yana nodded. “Yeah, go ahead. I’ll be there after they check him over, but right now, I’ve got to do a search here.”

Renji nodded as he went with the paramedics and he hoped Ichigo was okay, even though he passed out like that. If the police hadn’t been there, he would have gone for Orihime, but as it was, they were stuck in the World of the Living’s legal system. Sure, he could snatch Ichigo and take him, but there would be major consequences for Ichigo’s sisters, and he knew that wouldn’t do.

At the house Yana, and her partner approached Uryū who was still standing in the doorway after the ambulance left.

“You’re Ryūken Ishida’s son, aren’t you?” she asked.

Uryū nodded. “He…he told me his suspicions. We tried…to get him out this weekend, but he didn’t leave the house all weekend. He’s…he’s done something, I can tell. Ichigo wasn’t stead on his feet when we got here. He might be hurt again…”

Yana sighed. “Would you have any thoughts as to where evidence about what’s happened might be in this house?” she said to him.

Uryū thought. “Ichigo had a false back to his desk drawer, I found a flash drive, some ketamine in a pill bottle, and a notebook with disturbing drawings there and took them. I couldn’t unlock the flash drive, it needed a password…” he said as he pulled it out of his pocket and showed her.

She nodded. “Stay here, I may need your help, but we’ll go through the house. Where is Ichigo’s room?”

Uryū pointed up the stairs. “There’s a plaque with a fifteen on it.”

Yana nodded and headed up the stairs with Charles. Charles and Yana had been partners on the special victims’ investigation branch for a while now. They were used to dealing with mostly female victims. A male victim, and a victim of long term incestuous abuse, was rare for them. But that was why they were a mixed team. She opened the room and looked around.

“What should we look for?” Charles asked as he glanced around the very neat room.

“Did you grab the kit?” she said.

Charles nodded, patting the case he had at his side. “Luminol?”

She nodded. “Yeah. They said he didn’t leave this room much. If anything happened, most of it would be here, I would think,” she said as Charles began spraying the liquid around the room in the most likely spots for a reaction.

When Yana shut the light off and turned on the ultraviolent she sighed in exasperation. “How long do you think this has been happening?” she asked as she ran her hands over the various splatters and splotches that lit up on the walls and the sill of the window.

“The boy seems to be under his control pretty well about it,” Charles said as he snapped pictures of the room. “My guess? A while. He’s what, eighteen, nineteen now?”

“Eighteen…” Yana said.

Charles put away the lights and flicked the light back on. He went and knelt to look under the bed, running his hand between the frame and mattress. “Huh,” he muttered as his fingers touched something. He frowned and pulled until whatever it was gave. He stood up and looked at what he was holding. “What’s this?” he asked.

Yana looked at it with a frown. It was a wad of papers folded in half. She opened it and saw that it was pages from a rather raunchy manga, and was about to put it away when she looked at the date. “Wait. Look.”

“Look I’m not into that guy on guy stuff,” Charles muttered.

“Dammit, Charles, look what it’s about.”

Charles took it and blinked. “Oh…shit…it’s about a father raping his kid and then starting a sexual relationship with his father afterward…”

Yana nodded, and turned it so she could see the date on it. “This…this is over five years old. And it’s been folded up under that bed for a very long time,” she said as she looked at her partner. “Bag it,” she said and felt something rising in her chest.

There was nothing else to be found in that room. They went through what they found to be the girls’ room quickly, not finding anything of note. They went to the last bedroom and found a similar reaction to the luminol, though, centered around the bed.

“Hey,” Charles said from the closet as he came out with a black back. “This is fucked up if he actually was using this stuff…”

Yana pulled it open and arched both brows. “That’s…quite a selection…” she muttered, hearing the clinking of metal. She couldn’t see everything that was in it without dumping it out, but she saw enough. “Put it in evidence.”

Yana went to the dresser and opened the top drawer. She ran her hand under the top of it, then did the same for the other four drawers. In the second drawer, she found something taped to the top. She pulled it out and found it to be a flash drive. She pulled out her tablet and connected it.

“Oh fuck…” she whispered.

Charles came over and looked at it. “Is that…those are videos.”

“They’re AVs, and they’re all father/son fantasy videos. All of them…” she whispered and pulled it out.

When they finished, they headed down to find Uryū was still standing by the door with his arms crossed. He looked up as they approached.

“I have an idea on the flash drive you found, Uryū, on what the password might be,” Yana said as she walked to him.

Uryū handed it to her and she put it into the port on her tablet. The screen came up and she sighed. She somehow hoped it wasn’t the password. But she also knew it probably would be.

 _Daddy_.

The file explorer opened and she winced and shook her head. “You might not want to see this, Uryū,” she said and looked at him.

He shook his head. “I need to.”

She looked it over. There were files neatly organized in folders. Each one was labeled with a year going back about six years. She opened the first and found the only document was a long journal. She scanned it a bit, but it seemed like the journal of a kid in school. Then she stopped at the end of one of the entries.

_I shouldn’t have said something about her. It was a mistake. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom afterward and he came in to tell me he was sorry that he had hit me that hard. I told him I was fine, but rubbed my back while I threw up again. But I felt weird when he did it. Why would that be?_

She closed it and brought up the next folder. This one had several files in it. Each one was titled with different things. School, home, sisters, and things like that. She clicked open the home one and saw that it was another journal type file. The same as the last, but the entries stopped for three months before they resumed. When they resumed, though, they were different. Once in each one at the very least, he referred to his father as “daddy” and would say something about being good or bad. There was no direct notation about what his father did to him, but it was easy to infer it.

_The shower was too hot. I passed out but he put me in bed. I wish I hadn’t passed out. That was so stupid and he reminded me of it._

Then there were long rambling entries of self-depreciation. The next files were the same, then for a period of almost a year, there were no entries. Uryū recognized it as when Rukia had shown up and they had done things with Soul Society. When they resumed Uryū winced and wished he had paid better attention.

_I’m so stupid, after everything, I’ve lost it all, all of it, and he’s not letting me forget how tainted I am now. I can’t believe he hid this from me, and then…to have let the others know and not me. I shouldn’t have said something about his lies. I shouldn’t have. Because then he reminded me that now, he was the one in power, and that was how it was going to be. I have to be his good boy again, or what might happen? I can’t let them find out. I can’t let them know… And my sisters. He said that I looked like my mother…and that Yuzu does too. No…I won’t let him touch her. Not ever._

Yana sighed and went to the most recent one. It was before he’d gone into the hospital with the lung collapsing on him.

_It doesn’t matter this time. I can’t leave. Not while they’re living here with him. I have to stay, and that’s fine. He loves me, I know that. But why does it feel wrong? If I tell him to stop, he’ll hurt me, and then someone might find out. No, I have to be a good boy. I have to. I just…I know he’s high today. I saw him. I just hope he doesn’t bring The Bag with him…I don’t want that…I don’t…_

Uryū glanced to the evidence box and saw there was indeed a black bag in it. He looked at Yana. “What’s in the black bag?” he asked.

“Uryū, I can’t discuss that, it’s bad enough I’m letting you see this stuff, but I talked to your father a lot in the last few days, so…”

Uryū moved quickly, though, and grabbed the back and opened it, considering it. “What the hell…” he breathed.

“Come on, we should go to the hospital. Your father was already waiting there for him,” she said and put her arm around the boy. She felt sorry for him, seeing a close friend like this.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ryūken hadn’t wanted it to go this way but he was not surprised at the same time. He had already got a nurse he trusted, and prepped a private exam room with a high dose sedative on hand. He knew he’d take more of it than others, and he had to get this done properly. He didn’t know what would happen in the human world, but he was going to follow procedures and record everything when he came in.

Renji was with him as they brought him in. Ryūken came out as they transferred him to the bed and Renji looked at him. He nodded. “Go on,” he said to the nurse. “I’ll be fine here for now.”

The nurse nodded, leaving without questioning him. Ryūken looked at Ichigo’s slack face and at Renji. “What happened?”

“He started freaking out and just passed out after they came to take Isshin away,” Renji said, looking up at Ryūken with a worried glance.

Ryūken sighed. “Alright, for the best, I’m sure,” he said as he started the IV in his arm and turned the sedative on.

“What’s that?” Renji asked.

“Sedative. It’s the only way I’ll get an exam done on him. He won’t cooperate, I know that, so we’ll have to do the evidence collection while he’s unconscious. As soon as the officer arrives, I’ll have her verify it while I do this,” he said with a sigh, crossing his arms over his chest.

Renji brushed a hand over Ichigo’s head, feeling the dampness on his forehead. “Why would he do this to him,” he asked no one in particular.

“I think there’s something seriously wrong with Isshin, and I’ve suspected it for a while, but could never prove it.”

Renji sat down to the side and waited as Ryūken took photos and checked over Ichigo’s face and neck while they waited. After a while, Uryū and the female officer came into the room. Uryū looked pallid as he looked at Renji and at Ichigo’s unconscious form.

“Hasn’t he woken up yet?” Uryū asked, somewhat concerned.

“I’ve left him sedated,” Ryūken said. “Will you assist, Uryū?”

Uryū looked at him. “What, me?”

“You’re going to be a doctor, right? You may as well get some experience with this sort of thing, and I really don’t want anyone else in here, even my nurse,” he said. “But I’ll call her if you can’t…”

“No, I can assist,” Uryū said, straightening his back. “He’s my friend, I want to help.”

Ryūken nodded. “Alright. But you’re going to have to keep it together, understand?” he said as he moved up and started undoing the buttons on Ichigo’s shirt.

“Grab a gown out of the drawer over there, Uryū,” Ryūken said as he carefully pulled Ichigo’s arms out of his shirt and rolled him to get it out from under him.

Uryū handed him the gown and he put it on Ichigo’s front, tying it behind him. He moved down and undid Ichigo’s slacks and finished removing his clothes quickly. He nodded to the officer.

“Do you want another kit?” he asked her.

“If you think we can take another. Do you think he was assaulted again recently?” she asked.

“I wouldn’t doubt it,” Ryūken said as he began rolling the leg stirrups from the end. Uryū tensed and Ryūken glared at him. “Are you able to hold it together?”

Uryū nodded once curtly. “I am.”

“Alright, then, you are going to help steady him while I do the PRAK and check him over. I know he’ll heal fast,” he said and glanced at Uryū and back down at him.

He pulled him into positon and Uryū tried his best to forget who this was, as he followed his father’s instructions as he went through the procedures. Uryū was very glad Ichigo was sleeping through it. Ryūken growled under his breath and looked up at Uryū. “Get me a suture kit and a speculum,” he said with a look of deep exhaustion on his face. Uryū nodded and went to retrieve them, handing them to his father.

“Is it…what…” he asked.

“Just a minute, Uryū,” Ryūken said as he finished with relatively quick flicks of the needle.

Ryūken sat back and shook his head. He let out a long breath and then pulled down the table’s stirrups and had Uryū help him move him up on the table. He put a shit over his lower body and pulled the gown up to look over his upper body. He shook his head as he wrote down a few things.

Uryū, knowing that Ichigo wasn’t human entirely, couldn’t imagine what sort of damage would have been done to someone who was. There were no scars were Orihime had healed Ichigo’s other wounds, and Uryū was very glad that the officer seemed not to notice that he was suddenly completely healed of that. He had enough new ones. There were several purpling spots on his chest and stomach, but Uryū had no idea what would have caused something like that. He looked closer and was even more confused.

They found Ichigo’s back in a similar state when they checked him over. “He avoided anything that would cause serious damage to him,” Ryūken said. “No damage around the spine or the kidneys. No damage to other sensitive areas. Nothing on the extremities. He knew what he was doing.”

Yana’s phone rang and she answered it. “Okay. I see. Okay, I’ll let you know what we find here. Yes, taking anther PRAK. Yes, sir. There was. I…don’t know yet. I’ll be there with the report in an hour.”

She hung up and looked at them. “They did an initial interview with Isshin. He…was quite willing to give information, and they’ve already booked him into a cell without bail.”

Ryūken looked at her. “He admitted to what he did?”

“I don’t know the details, just that they had a full confession. I…am unsure what he said in it. I’ll get back to you when I know something,” she said with a sigh.

Yana looked at Renji and back to Ryūken. “He’s one of them, huh?” she said.

Renji’s head snapped up and Ryūken nodded. “He is. They’re going to take him when I clear him. You’ll have to run something believable by your boss when he disappears.”

“Wait, she knows about us?” Uryū said.

“Yana is an old friend. She’s spiritually aware, and I at one time, interceded when she was being attacked by a hollow. She’s seen the other Shinigami and hollows as well. I told her what Orihime had done for Ichigo already, which is why she didn’t question the missing wounds. That’s why I wanted no one else in here,” Ryūken said as he handed her the paperwork and the sealed kit.

“Is your statement in there?” she asked as she flipped through the clipboard.

“Yeah, all done. Thank you. What will you say when they take him to Soul Society?”

She smiled. “Well, if you can get a taped conversation with him, that would be wonderful, but my plan was to list him as a runaway. Considering what’s happened, it wouldn’t be untoward.”

“What will happen to the girls?” Renji said, looking up at her.

“I believe a man has come to the station saying he would like to take them in for the time being until procedures are done, ah…” she looked at her messages. “Kisuke Urahara.”

Ryūken nodded. “He’s a good person to keep them, he’ll make sure nothing happens to them. You…you need to realize that he might leave. Isshin, I mean,” he said.

“We have him locked up…” she started.

Renji popped a soul candy and stood up out of his Gigai and walked toward her. She could see him easily enough. “He can leave his body like I can, and so can Ichigo.”

She nodded. “I didn’t realize that was possible…”

“Yeah, so if he suddenly ‘dies’, you’ll know he’s either escaped on his own, or one of us has come to take him to face justice with our people,” Renji said seriously as he returned to his Gigai.

Yana nodded and headed out of the room. A few minutes later there was another knock and Ryūken looked up in surprise.

Renji jumped up. “Kuchiki-taichou! Ukitake-taichou!” he said as the two men walked in behind Rukia. “What are you both doing here?” he asked, looking between them.

“The head captain worried that with Isshin Shiba in an unpredictable state that we should come and help keep Ichigo safe until we can take him to Soul Society without arousing local suspicions,” Byakuya said as he moved to lean against the wall. Ukitake nodded and walked over to where Ichigo was lying and looked at his face.

“He’s not been healed,” he said and looked at Ryūken.

“Not yet, I was going to summon Inoue, but I haven’t had the chance yet. The police have come and taken my statement and the evidence kit. I had to…suture some,” Ryūken said with a sigh.

Ukitake nodded as Ryūken went up and took the IV out. “I’ll let him wake up now that it’s over, I didn’t think he’d allow us to do the exam on him while conscious. Not exactly the way it is supposed to go, but this was a definite special case.”

It didn’t take long for Ichigo’s increased metabolism to run through the sedative and he started to wake up. Renji got up and went to stand beside him as he blinked wearily.

“Wha…where…where am I…” he muttered as he looked up at Renji. “Renji?” he said.

“You’re in the hospital, right now,” he said softly.

As soon as he said that, Ichigo’s eyes went wide and he sat up and locked eyes on Ryūken.

“You did this!” he said. “Why did you do this? Why? They…they…” he panted, feeling dizzy still. Renji caught him as he tried to tip backwards.

“Ichigo,” Ukitake said from the side.

He looked over to see the white-haired captain. “Jūshirō?” Ichigo asked. “What…why are you here?”

Ukitake smiled at him and stood beside Renji. “Ichigo, this is a Soul Society matter.”

“No! Look, just go back, leave me alone, I’m fine and I don’t want any of you to bother with this!” he yelled and glared at all of them.

“Ichigo, I know you think that you don’t want our help,” Jūshirō said and looked at him. “But there are rules, and your father has broken one of the most important ones. We very rarely have Shinigami who have children, and to have one harmed so directly…”

“I’m not harmed! I’m fine!” he said and rolled off the opposite side of the bed and grabbed the gown. He turned to Ryūken. “Where the hell are my clothes?”

“I put them elsewhere, Ichigo,” Ryūken said with a sigh. “I know. We collected another evidence kit.”

“What?” Ichigo said. “I wasn’t even awake! You can’t just…just do that!” he said and backed toward the door.

He hadn’t seen Byakuya though, so he nearly shrieked when Byakuya’s hands stopped him from backing closer to the door. He stared at him and dropped to his knees. “I don’t want…it isn’t…I can’t…” he stammered and just sat on the floor for a long moment.

Jūshirō moved and knelt in front of him, reaching out to put his hands on Ichigo’s shoulders. He looked up at him with very lost looking eyes. “Ichigo, come with me. We’ll take you to Soul Society, and we’ll deal with your father there. He…”

“He didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to do,” Ichigo snapped and then sucked in a breath, looking down when he realized what he’d said. “Dammit…” he muttered.

“How long, Ichigo?” Byakuya asked from where he stood in front of the door.

Ichigo looked at him. “I…I…”

“At least five years,” Uryū said from beside Ryūken. Ichigo turned and glared at him. Uryū held up the flash drive.

Ichigo was up and moving before even Byakuya could grab him. He snatched the drive out of Uryū’s hand and held it tightly in his fist. “That wasn’t yours to see!” he said, and it was obvious he was growing angrier. “That was private! You went through my things to find this! How…how dare you?”

“I was worried about you,” Uryū said with a sigh.

“I don’t care! You…you all just…you’re interfering and I don’t want it! Just leave me and my…” Ichigo choked on the words and stopped himself. He put his hand over his mouth and turned away from them to stare at the wall. “Just leave it. Please. Let it go back to normal,” he said without turning around.

Jūshirō glanced at Byakuya and nodded to him. Byakuya moved to him and pushed Ichigo’s soul form from his body with the glove he was wearing over his usual white gloves. Ichigo gasped as his soul form fell backward into Jūshirō. Jūshirō sighed, putting a hand on his head and whispering, “I’m sorry, but this is for your protection.”

Ichigo struggled a minute before the kido hit him and he went completely limp in Jūshirō’s arms. Jūshirō looked at Renji who came up and picked him up. Jūshirō paused to hack uncontrollably for a minute and then sucked in a deep breath.

“We should go. Are you coming or staying here, Uryū?” Jūshirō said to the Quincy.

“I’m staying, I want to make sure things go right here,” he said with a nod.

Renji nodded to him. “We’ll take care of him, I promise,” he said.

“Just…watch him. Some of the stuff he wrote that is on this drive,” he said as he picked it up where it had fallen. “This is some dark and disturbing writing. He could try to run or worse.”

Byakuya sighed. “I’ll confine him in Kuchiki Manor. He won’t be able leave without me knowing about it, and even if he does get out into the Seireitei, I can track his reiatsu easily. He still can’t control the release of it at all.”

Jūshirō nodded and they left quickly through a senkaimon, leaving Ryūken and Uryū with an empty human body for Ichigo.

“What do we do with his body?” Uryū said.

“Urahara can hold it until he returns for it,” he said with a nod. He paused and sighed deeply. “If he returns.”

Uryū glanced at his father and the weight of those words struck him harder than he expected. If. Not when.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Yana got back to the station with the evidence kit and went to see her captain. “You said he confessed?” she asked.

The captain, Hanjin Saraiki, turned to look at her. “Yes, we taped it, but you might not want to watch. It is…disturbing.”

She looked at him then turned his computer around to play it.

Isshin was sitting at the table staring at his hands when Hanjin went into the room and sat across from him. He was wearing a very loud shirt, she noted, and he looked rather calm.

“Isshin Kurosaki, do you know the reason why you’ve been brought in?” Hanjin said as he looked up from the file.

“I do,” he said with a sigh. “Things caught up with me, as they often do when people do things like this.”

Hanjin looked at him. “What things exactly?”

“My wife died nine years ago. She…was everything to me. Her smile, her face, her very life was my breath. I…loved her so very much. So much I would have died ten times over for her. Then, one night, she was killed by the river, I’m sure you have the report, and my boy was the cause of it,” he said and looked away.

“How could your son have caused her death?” he asked.

“She was protecting him from something that had come after him. See, he’s a monster, inside, and he didn’t know it yet, but he does now.”

“What does that mean?” Hanjin said and stared at him.

“Inside. He has a thing inside him, a creature that can take him over if he becomes weak. He will eventually give in to it, there’s no chance that he won’t. Even the strongest person gives in to evil inside them, eventually…” he said and looked up to Hanjin. “I certainly did.”

“So you’re admitting that you hurt him?” Hanjin said.

Isshin sighed. “I didn’t mean to, not at first. I loved him, I still do, but I hate him at the same time, and I couldn’t…I couldn’t handle losing Masaki. I needed to be numb, so…it was easy. A narcotic here, a few benzodiazepines there, you know, helped me make it through those first days. I’m a doctor, I knew the risks. But something happened when I took them. I could do the things I wanted, needed, to do so I could relieve this…uncontrollable anger and rage in my chest.”

He paused. “But the problem with depressants and hypnotics is that you a start having trouble thinking and get clouded. So I needed something to bring me back up when I needed to be alert. I certainly could have stopped the rest, I knew that, but then…it was easier just to take something else. But it made that rage and anger worse when I did. I couldn’t control it, and the first time, it was just…it felt so good to strike the thing that killed my Masaki.”

“Thing? That’s your child. How old was he?” he asked, quite surprised at what he was telling him.

“Ten, I think. He said something about his mother, crying again, he cried all the time when he was small, all he ever did. He was more of a girl than either of his sisters when he was little. Always crying and clinging to Masaki no matter what happened. And I just got so angry and before I knew what happened he was on the floor and I told him he should have just stayed quiet and stopped crying for her. He ran to the bathroom, and I went away and then I felt bad for what I had done. I went and I sat with him, cleaned his nose, held him and told him how sorry I was. I believed I was sorry, and I believed that I wouldn’t do that again. I was wrong,” he said and sipped the cup of water in front of him. “I don’t remember what it was the next time, but it was almost a year later. I had been so careful. When I was up, I’d stay away from him because I was afraid I’d strike out at him. But then it did happen again and this time, when I cleaned his lip…something dark rose up in my chest. Something I couldn’t make go away, then.”

“When was the first time you touched him inappropriately?” Hanjin said, and Yana could see how hard he was trying to keep control of himself.

“I…it was not long after that. He wasn’t aware, asleep, and I just…my mind didn’t see him, because he looks so much like his mother. I knew how wrong even thinking it was, you know? So I ended up hurting him so much for a long time. Never where anyone could see it, mostly because of what I had wanted to do, how I wanted to…” He paused. “Then I caught him reading a magazine story. It was a really badly drawn manga, but what it was about…”

“The one the officers found hidden under his bed, about the father and son incest.”

He nodded. “Yeah. It made me so angry, probably because I was having a really rough week, and had taken way too much. I honestly don’t remember what happened the first time. I just remember showing him videos of it, of AVs where they were acting out the same fantasy. I’d never thought about it being something, you know, until then. And he just was so scared by what I said, and it felt good, to have that control over him, to make him cry like that… Then, whatever it was, when I came out of it…I found him in the shower and I felt terrible, horrible, and I didn’t know what to do. I did something that couldn’t…shouldn’t…ever be excused. I…I just told him not to tell anyone, that I loved him, and that he was my special boy, that it was okay, and that I really loved him, and I wanted him to know that. But I still hated him.”

“How old was he?” Hanjin asked with a surprising degree of control.

“Thirteen,” he said with a sigh. “I mean, of course, he was exploring sexuality. That’s what all boys do, all girls too, but the girls…they hadn’t killed their mother. He had.”

“You realize that he didn’t kill his mother.”

“He did, he drew the thing that killed her. I tried to think that she drew it, but there was no way. He just couldn’t control the monster. Then, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got at him for taking Masaki, for not being able to contain the monster. So it went on, and I decided to punish him in earnest. I…bought things…and I wanted him to suffer because he made me suffer. But only when I was on the pills. Never when I was aware. I didn’t think that way when I was sober, but it got so that I was never sober. I couldn’t be sober because then…I knew what I’d done was wrong. I knew it then, and I couldn’t handle what I’d done to my son. So I just…stopped being sober. It was easier that way.”

Hanjin sighed deeply. “So it continued until now?”

“There was a time I…I stopped doing anything. He met his new friends, and he was out of the house a lot, and his new friends…I was afraid they would notice something if I didn’t stop. I thought surely he would tell them, once he realized that other people didn’t have to endure what he did. Then, it all disappeared. He lost the monster’s power, and was weak, and everything his mother gave him died. I was angry then, and I…I made it much worse for a long time. He did a good job, though, hiding it. I really thought he’d break, I did. I think that’s why it got so bad. I wanted him to break, I wanted him to tell someone, and I wanted to pay the price for it. But I had done too good a job. He didn’t. He was too scared that his friends would find him disgusting and horrible. He was too sure that I loved him and that’s why it was what it was. I tried to tell myself the same thing, that I loved him, that it was just something he needed, even when he was trembling and trying not to cry. I…made so many excuses.”

Hanji swallowed. “And recently?”

“He grew up, became capable of walking away, capable of doing anything he wanted, you know? But still, he’d stand there, letting me touch him…not moving, not resisting. He just…wanted to be a good boy. That…that was all he ever wanted to be, you know,” he said with a sigh. “And so help me, I used it. I used it and I made him believe that being a good boy meant doing what I said; letting me punish him for the things I told him he deserved to be punished for. He didn’t, of course. But I needed to blame him, because if I didn’t, I’d have to blame myself.”

Hanjin looked at the file. “The incident that Dr. Ishida reported to us?”

“Ryūken,” he snorted. “I never would have thought it would be him that figured it out. He’d known Masaki, they were loosely related, not really, but in the way they came from the same extended family. He hated me, and I was sure that he hated my son too. I’d told him never go to the hospital. I know the procedures. Anyone that comes in gets checked over, and I wasn’t careful. Never. Especially not now that he was stronger. He healed fast from any injury, due to the monstrous thing inside him. So I used it to make sure he hurt so much every time. Then when I was sober I’d regret it, and I’d bandage him, hold him, and tell him how much I loved him. And sometimes…I’d…take advantage of that. I thought I was somehow making up for the violence by showing him…gentleness. But by then, I don’t know that even sober I knew what I was doing.”

Hanjin looked at him. “I…can’t believe you would do this to your own child. A boy that young, you had to know how much you would hurt him.”

“I did, and that’s why I did it. I couldn’t…I couldn’t do worse than strike him in ways others couldn’t see it, and this…this was so easy to convince him that he was part of it. That he was my good boy, that he was letting me do it, so that meant he wanted me to do this. Then I’d show him the AVs and how the other fathers treated their boys, and he would just stare at them, and when he became aroused by them, I thought…it was okay, because he obviously wanted this. And I just let it convince me that it was okay when I was sober. When I wasn’t, I didn’t care,” he said with a sigh.

“You still believe he’s infected with some monster?” he asked. “I know he is, but that’s a whole other thing. He’ll be taken away, though, by them.”

“By who?” Hanjin asked. “He’s at the hospital, and they found some rather disturbing injuries.”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. They’ll come take him and he won’t come back again. They’ll try to come take me, too, but I won’t be here long,” he said with a smile.

“What does that mean?” Hanjin said with a frown.

“There’s a fate that I deserve, and I’ll get to it soon enough,” he said and looked away from him.

The video cut off. Yana, of course, knew what he meant. He was going to leave the body he was in, and escape. She turned to Hanjin to say something when the door opened.

“That Kurosaki…he just passed out, he’s dead, there’s nothing…he just flat died!” the officer said.

Yana ran out into the main part of the office. She saw the black outfitted man walking toward the door. He turned to her and put his finger to his lips and walked through the wall. Hanjin came out from a few minutes later and looked at her. “I guess that saves money for the taxpayers,” he said with a sigh. Yana looked at him. “Yeah, I’ll tell Ryūken Ishida…”

She walked out into the hall and dialed the number. “Ishida,” came his curt voice.

“He’s gone,” she whispered.

“What?”

“I saw him, he left his body, they…they think he’s dead…but I saw him walk out of here in one of those black outfits.”

Ryūken made some noise of anger. “Alright. I’m going to find him. Keep an eye on the body, don’t let it be put anywhere unsecure. He could come back to it at any time.”

“I can’t tell them to lock a dead body down,” she growled into the phone.

“I…I’ll do something. Thank you, though.”

Yana put her phone away and looked up as the coroners came in to retrieve the body. She was actually afraid for that boy more now than she had been.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

The world was wrong when Ichigo opened his eyes. He at first couldn’t figure out why it was so wrong. Then he realized why it was wrong. He sat up and locked eyes on Jūshirō and Byakuya who bot stood in the room with him. He saw Renji sitting on the floor beside him.

“What…where am I…what did you do?” he said, looking between them.

“Ichigo, calm down,” Renji said. “You’re in Soul Society; we’re at Kuchiki Manor, okay?”

“I want to go home!” he said, getting up and going toward the wall, but finding it barriered. He looked at them. “What…what is this? Are you…are you holding me here? You can’t do this! I…I…”

“Ichigo, you need to stay here for the time being. Your father left the police in his soul form, and we’re not sure where he is,” Jūshirō said as he looked at him.

“Why…why is that a problem? He’s my father, he’s…he wouldn’t…I mean…He wouldn’t try to hurt me…”

“He already did, Ichigo,” Byakuya said as he looked at the younger Shinigami.

“He didn’t!” he yelled and turned away, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at the floor. “He…he…”

Renji put his hands on Ichigo’s shoulders and squeezed. “Please, don’t do this to yourself,” he said. “He hurt you. He did. We’re going to help you get through it.”

Ichigo turned around and tried to punch Renji in the face, only to have his fist easily caught. Renji knew he was in a bad place because his reactions were slow. Renji pushed him back to the wall and held him there, putting his hands over his head. Then, Renji realized what was happening. Ichigo’s entire body seemed to relax and he looked at him with eyes that were wide and incredibly vulnerable looking. Renji let go and stepped back. He glanced at Jūshirō with wide eyes. The reaction was unconscious. The minute Renji had slammed him back into the wall he’d completely gone into a submission state.

Jūshirō stepped forward and tilted Ichigo’s face upward. “Ichigo. Please, we’re going to help you. I know you don’t trust us very much right now and you feel like we’ve betrayed you more than once.” Ichigo’s brown eyes were still wide as he stared at Jūshirō. “You have been hurt, deeply, and by the person that you should have been able to trust more than anyone in the three worlds. I never would have believed that Isshin Shiba capable of such atrocities to anyone, let alone his own child.”

“He loves me,” Ichigo whispered. “I…I just…I wanted to be a…a…good boy…” he said as tears started to drip down his cheeks. “I love him. He’s…he’s my…my…” Ichigo was struggling between two things, what he had drilled into his head for the last five years, and what he knew was the truth of the matter. “I just…I took everything away from him, from them…” he finally said. “My mother…she…she was everything to them, to me, and if…if I hadn’t been born like this…with this monster in my soul…if I could have controlled my own energy…”

“Ichigo, you were nine. No nine year old Shinigami can control their energy. You had to be protected. You’ve got an incredible amount of spiritual energy, and that is very rare,” Jūshirō said as he put his hand against Ichigo’s cheek.

“But…but…he was so sad and he…he went to taking things…and then…I had to help him, he needed…needed me to…to do those things. I was strong, I could take it!” he said but his voice was wavering.

“You didn’t need to take it,” Jūshirō said and sighed deeply, pulling Ichigo into his chest. “You never should have been treated as anything but a precious child who was possessed of incredible power.”

Ichigo couldn’t help it; he hugged his arms around Jūshirō, trying to gain something…something he didn’t understand from him. He needed this, this contact, warmth of another person that could take care of him. He needed someone, anyone. He needed to be a good boy for someone if he couldn’t be one for his daddy.


	4. Whispers in Ice

“What bothers you, Jūshirō?” Shunsui asked as he came into the office of the thirteenth’s captain. “You seem sad,” he said as he wrapped his arms around his love’s body from behind.

Jūshirō reached up and clutched Shunsui’s arms and sighed. “I…I just got back from Kuchiki manor where we left Ichigo. I…the poor thing doesn’t even acknowledge anything was wrong with what his father did to him.”

Shunsui sighed. “Well, then you need to show him why it was wrong,” he said as he nuzzled into Jūshirō’s neck gently. “I feel the pain inside your heart, love. Can I help?” he said softly.

“I…might need your help with him. I don’t want to do anything wrong with this.”

“Aww, is my sweet Jūshirō embarrassed by his attraction to an orange headed Shinigami substitute?” Shunsui said with a soft grin.

“That is beside the point, Shunsui. And completely inappropriate at this juncture.”

“Aw, it is fine to have a crush on him, my love,” Shunsui said with a smirk as he slid hands down inside the front of Jūshirō’s hakama, making the slender man gasp. “He needs love, you know that,” he said with a smile as he found the prize he was seeking, causing Jūshirō to whine loudly.

“Shunsui, what…” Jūshirō tried to say as Shunsui’s fingers deftly stroked him to full arousal quickly.

Shunsui pushed his upper body forward onto his desk and shifted Jūshirō’s hakama down just enough to reach his entrance with probing fingers. “Should I stop?” he asked as he worked three into his lover without hesitation, causing him to let out a pent up groan and grasp the other side of the desk.

It wasn’t like this didn’t happen a lot, so Shunsui knew they wouldn’t be bothered by anyone. Their respective divisions had learned, most the hard way, not to go into an office that contained both of them without someone else. Shunsui fished in the pocket of his kimono for the jar and paused in torturing his love’s sweet spot long enough to coat his own throbbing arousal with the oil he kept on him all the time. Shunsui liked to be spontaneous. He hummed as he slipped into Jūshirō’s warmth without hesitation, feeling him tighten immediately around him as he panted out Shunsui’s name.

“There, now, does that feel nice, my love?” he said as he began to thrust into him, slowly at first, then moving to a more frantic rhythm that set Jūshirō into a fit of moaning. He leaned over and clamped one hand over Jūshirō’s mouth to stifle the noises he was making. “Hush, now, or they’ll hear you,” he whispered as he pushed his fingers into Jūshirō’s mouth to keep his sounds to a minimum. “You feel so warm today, love. Have you missed my attention while you were sick?” he asked as he felt Jūshirō go over the edge without a touch from him. Shunsui gripped his mouth again as he let out an almost inhuman sound as Shunsui followed him. The next moment, he flipped Jūshirō around and locked him in a fierce kiss as they both panted and heaved breaths into each other’s mouths.

“Dammit, Shunsui…” Jūshirō muttered as he clung to him. “I just changed clothes…”

“Hmm, well, you will have to do so again, else you’ll smell of me and you all the rest of the day. And as much as I would like that, so everyone could smell that you belong to me, I know you would not like it,” he said as he languidly licked and sucked at Jūshirō’s neck.

Jūshirō couldn’t help it. No matter how he tried, Shunsui’s attention was addictive. He was the one thing he counted on more than anything. He almost thought about letting him have another round, but really, he needed to go check on Ichigo after he’d slept the night before. And he should take Shunsui with him, he supposed. What his longtime lover said was true, he had fallen a bit enamored with the fiery boy. However, now was not the time to even think of that in the least. The poor creature was too confused for words at the moment. He headed back and changed into a fresh set of hakama and shook his head at Shunsui.

“Come,” he muttered.

“I just did,” Shunsui said as he swatted Jūshirō’s ass as he passed him. Jūshirō’s face reddened a bit but he followed him back to Kuchiki manor.

“Have you spoken with Abarai or Kuchiki?” Shunsui asked as they walked through the morning sun to the manor.

“Not yet. With everything that happened yesterday, I didn’t want to stay after I put him to sleep again,” he said with a sigh as they were led into the front room where Byakuya was sitting with Renji.

“Ukitake-taichou,” Renji said and stood up. “Kyōraku-taichou,” he acknowledged.

“How did the night go?” Jūshirō asked with a sigh. He almost didn’t want to know.

Byakuya shook his head. “Nothing, surprisingly. He slept through it, but I believe it was mostly due to sheer exhaustion of the events of yesterday. Have there been any leads from the World of the Living about Shiba?”

Shunsui shook his head. “None. Jūshirō wanted me to come talk to him today, since I wasn’t in attendance yesterday, perhaps as a neutral party since I didn’t come to retrieve him.”

“Might be for the best,” Byakuya said with a sigh. “He woke a few minutes ago, but he hasn’t come out.”

Shunsui nodded and headed down to the room he sensed the young Shinigami in. He knocked gently on the door.

“Um, come in?” he heard from the other side.

He slid the door open and grinned at the young man. “Ah, Ichigo-san…” he said as he came in, shutting the door behind him. “My lovely Jūshirō said you had been brought over. Though not by choice, I hear.”

Ichigo was sitting on the futon and staring at him. “Yeah.”

Shunsui sighed and sat down on the other end of the futon. “Ichigo, I’ve been told what happened already, so you don’t need to explain it.”

“I don’t even want to be here,” he said and stood up, crossing his arms over his chest. “Nothing’s wrong with me. My sisters need me.”

“Yoruichi and Urahara are taking care of your sisters, Ichigo.”

Ichigo nodded. “That’s good.”

“He can’t harm them,” Shunsui added.

Ichigo turned back toward him. “Why do you say that?”

“That’s one of the reasons you want to go back. Because you think he’ll hurt one of your sisters.”

“You all don’t understand!” he said and turned away from him toward the barrier that kept him from leaving the house into the yard. He could go into the rest of the house, he just couldn’t leave it.

“Then make me understand,” Shunsui said and leaned back against the wall. “Tell me what it is that we don’t understand.”

Ichigo swallowed a ball at his throat. “It was…it was…special to me,” he said with a sigh. “As fucked up as it is, as messed up, I thought…I thought it meant something.”

“Ichigo, you were a child. You were not his property to do with as he liked. You understand that, right?” Shunsui said as he sighed.

Ichigo ran his hands over his head. “But…I could have stopped it, so many times, I could have left, I could have told someone, I could have gone away…”

“You couldn’t,” Shunsui said softly. “You couldn’t go away because you didn’t want to leave your sisters.”

Ichigo turned back to him and a feeling  he felt so familiar with struck him. He needed to be someone’s, it had become such a part of him. He was… Before he thought he moved to Shunsui and dropped to his knees before him, looking up at him. Shunsui looked at him, slightly surprised.

“Ichigo. No. Don’t do this,” Shunsui said, reaching out and tipping his head up toward him. “I am old, very old, Ichigo, older than your father is, and I see what he has done easily. I know games, my dear, I know games well, and the games he has played with your mind are terrible. And now you see me, an older man with a powerful disposition, much like your father, and you want to reclaim what it is you found comfort it. No, my dear. This does not happen like this,” Shunsui said with a gentle smile.

“But…I need someone to…to…”

“You need no one, Ichigo. But I will make you a promise, will that do?” he said with a smirk.

“A promise?” Ichigo asked, looking at him with confused eyes.

“Ah yes, should you work hard, and should you come through all of this, once you get to the other side, if you come to me again, we can talk about any feelings you might have at that time,” he said as he turned and left the room with Ichigo still kneeling where he landed.

“You look more worried than when you went in there,” Jūshirō said as he stood up from the table.

“He needs to be kept away from those of us he can perceive as similar to his father. The urges are strong in him to have someone control him like that. He equates what his father do to a kind of twisted form of love. It is all tangled in guilt, shame, and misinterpretation of love or affection. It was a game, and now we must undo it.”

“How can we do this?” Byakuya asked with a deep frown.

“The younger ones, for the most part. I’d suggest Izuru, for one. He has a quiet nature, and has more than enough guilt for all of us. Possibly Shūhei, but he may be to brash for him. He needs contact with those that will not trigger the reactions his father programmed into him,” he said with a sigh. “Working in concert with Unohana, of course.”

Renji looked at him. “You called it a game. What do you mean?”

Shunsui sighed and shook his head. Shiba gave up everything when he left Soul Society for the World of the Living. He gave up his position, he gave up his power, all for Masaki Kurosaki. He sacrificed everything and to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing didn’t warp his mind in some fashion. Aizen’s plans were long reaching and did more harm than anyone could have imagined, even though the next generation. What he did…there is no forgiveness for it. He took a child, a scared, afraid and very lonely child, and completely warped Ichigo’s sense of what a loving relationship with a father should be.”

“Should we not find someone that can nurture that type of relationship with him?” Byakuya asked and looked between them. “Obviously not one of us. We’re far too similar in that we are all authority figures. He will defer to us as men in position of power simply by our status as captains in the Gotei 13. That puts us on an equivalency with his father we cannot ignore.”

“This is an out there suggestion…” Renji started and looked between the three captains. “Ryūken Ishida might be an option.”

Shunsui exchanged a look with the other two. “I…that is possible, I suppose, but would he even consider coming to Soul Society?”

“He was the one that found out what was happening with Ichigo,” Jūshirō said and looked around.

“But Ichigo was livid and angry at him,” Byakuya commented.

Shunsui thought. “That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Ichigo needs someone that will do what Ichigo needs, not what he wants.”

“Urahara is also someone who might be able to help in the same way,” Jūshirō offered.

Byakuya shook his head. “That’s not the best option. That might be too close to home for him. Urahara was the one that trained him, so he may see him as a father figure already.”

“I don’t think Ryūken is going to be amenable,” Byakuya said with a sigh.

“He’s the closest thing to a relative that Ichigo has, considering his Quincy blood,” Jūshirō said with a nod. “Kuchiki-san, will you speak with him about it?”

Byakuya hid the grimace. “Yes. I will go through and see what he says.”

Byakuya had his doubts about this course of action, but as it was, they needed to do something to help him. He had no idea why it was so important to him that they help the brat. But it was for some reason. He stepped out into the World of the Living and easily followed Ryūken’s reiatsu to the hospital. He walked into the emergency and immediately felt the other man’s eyes on him. He saw him put down a clipboard and come to him with a thunderous look on his face.

“What do you want?” he asked. “I have no other news about…”

“We have a request.”

Ryūken frowned and looked at him. “What?”

“Ichigo is…having difficulty adjusting to things. We thought that it might benefit him to have someone work with him that isn’t a person he sees as an authority like his father was over him,” Byakuya explained.

“What does this have to do with me?” Ryūken asked, narrowing his eyes at the Shinigami.

“We’d like you to see if you can make some headway with him where we are unable.”

Ryūken blinked. “Wait. You want me to come be a father to Isshin’s son? I was barely a father to my own son,” he said and rolled his eyes a bit.

“If you are not willing, I will see if one of us can manage to help him, but he has already show submission to those of us he perceives as in power over him. His father’s position as a Shinigami seems to have influence over how he reacts to the rest of us now that he is not under his control. It might be detrimental, but we will try.”

Byakuya turned to leave. “Wait,” Ryūken said with a sigh. “Wait a minute.”

A few minutes later, Ryūken came back with a look on his face that wasn’t much different than before. “I will not stay for long. I’ve taken some leave time from my job here. Should I bring Uryū with us?”

Byakuya nodded. “I am sure that it would benefit Ichigo to have him there. Hitsugaya-taichou, Matsumoto-fuku taichou, and some from the eleventh have come to the World of the Living to search for Shiba.”

A few minutes later, they stood in front of a very surprised Uryū. “You want _him_ to work with Ichigo? Really?”

Byakuya nodded. “He needs someone who is not a Shinigami. There is much for him to work through. Your father is the only one that Ichigo might be able to deal with right now.”

Uryū held the urge to laugh. “Alright, well, I’ll go along, if only to help when he isn’t able to do anything…” he muttered the last as he followed them.

Ryūken hadn’t been to Soul Society and even though he didn’t show it, was interested. He’d been unsure of how he would react, but the reishi rich environment was different. He sighed as he followed Byakuya into the Kuchiki manor. Uryū stopped.

“I should at least tell him what you’re doing here. He wasn’t the most pleased with Ryūken when he last saw him,” he muttered.

Byakuya nodded and took them down to the room that Renji was sitting outside of. He stood and looked at them. “Kyōraku-taichou and Ukitake-taichou went to speak with Unohana-taichou. Thank you for coming, Ishida-san,” he said with a slight nod of his head.

Ryūken snorted and shook his head. “This is not going to accomplish what you hope it will.”

Uryū shrugged. “Either way, I’ll go talk to him first.”

When Uryū opened the door, Ichigo was sitting in front of the barrier between him and the outside. He was just starting. He looked up when Uryū came in.

“The hell do you want?” he muttered.

“Ichigo, you know, no one wants to see you hurting.”

“I’m not hurting. I want to go home, and I want you all to stay out of it,” he said with a sigh. “I didn’t ask for your help. I don’t need it. Just leave it alone,” he responded and refused to look at him any longer.

Uryū nodded. “I just wanted to let you know, they asked Ryūken to come see you, maybe talk to you.”

“I don’t want to see him. He’s the one that caused all this to happen.”

“I know. But he came anyway. So. I just wanted to tell you,” he said and turned to leave.

“I’m sorry,” Ichigo whispered. Uryū turned back to debate asking what he was sorry for, but nodded instead and went out.

Ryūken looked up as he came out. He sighed. “He blames Ryūken for his, so I really don’t think he’s going to react well to him being here.”

“Whatever he thinks, I won’t walk away from it. It’s my responsibility because I discovered it. I’m a doctor, first and foremost,” Ryūken said as he opened the door and went it.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Ichigo said as soon as the door shut.

“Don’t care,” Ryūken responded and sat down on the futon behind him. “Look, first, I didn’t want to get involved with any of this. It wasn’t like I went out of my way to find this out. But I did. And I’m a doctor, and it isn’t something I can turn away from. And I owe it to your mother.”

Ichigo did turn and look at him now. “What do you mean?”

“Masaki Kurosaki,” he said with a smile. “She knew my wife, Kanae Katagiri. They were friends. Quincies, we always have kept in contact with other Quincies. Your mother was no exception. She was a good woman,” he said and sighed. Ichigo was just staring at him. “She had such a good heart, well both did. I had little respect for Shiba, even when he gave up his status as a Shinigami to save her from White.” When Ichigo’s face changed to surprise Ryūken nodded. “Yes, I know about White. I know it passed to you, and I understand that he used that against you, which doesn’t surprise me. He faced that thing directly inside Masaki’s mind. I truly believe he feared that creature.”

“Why would he fear him?” Ichigo asked, quiet and listening closely now.

“Shiba saw him, at the most powerful, as it tried to turn Masaki into a hollow. It surprised me to find that it had passed on to you, as your Zanpakutō. I admit, I feared the same as your father, that it would overpower anyone that it had control over. But Uryū believed that you would never submit to it.”

“Shiro isn’t anything to fear,” Ichigo whispered, looking down. “He…he isn’t. He wants to protect me, that’s all. He…he will do anything to protect me,” he said and sighed. “I hid it from him, locked up inside as tight as I could. He…he didn’t know, otherwise…he would have hurt him,” he said as he looked away.

Ryūken stared for a minute. “You speak of it like another person.”

“He is,” Ichigo said and looked at him. “I don’t fear him. But others should.”

“You really believed him when he told you that you were a monster because of White,” Ryūken said with a sigh. “You believe that it…he…makes you a monster.”

“Of course, it does. I don’t fear him, but if he takes over, he has no mind. He’ll kill without a thought. I nearly killed Uryū! I didn’t even know him, I was watching and he said…he warned me…don’t die. And I wasn’t strong enough to keep him at bay. I couldn’t…I wasn’t strong enough to avoid dying. So Uryū got hurt. If that’s not proof that I’m a monster, I don’t know what is…” he said and looked away. “I…I…did so many things…”

Ryūken was beginning to understand. “Ichigo,” he said and stood up, moving to stand behind him. “You blame yourself for a lot of things, don’t you?”

Ichigo turned and glared at him. “I blame myself for what I’ve done, nothing else.”

Ryūken sighed and sat down near him. “Ichigo, why are you protecting him, even now?”

He looked at him. “I don’t know,” he said and stared at his hands. “I don’t…I just…if it wasn’t…wasn’t love…what was it?”

“Love doesn’t hurt, Ichigo.”

“But it made it real,” he said finally and looked away from him. “The pain was real, nothing else.”

Ryūken sat beside him for a while, and despite his attempts to not care, he did. He saw Masaki in the boy. He saw the woman he remembered when he was a younger man. He swallowed and before he knew what he was doing, he put an arm around his shoulders. Ichigo flinched at first but then let him.

“I’m going to be here, Ichigo. I’m…I’m not a very good father figure. Not really. You can ask Uryū, I was pretty horrible. So, I can’t tell you I’ll be a father figure at all. All I can say is that I’ll be here. That’s all.”

Ryūken stood up and left quietly, shutting the door behind him. Byakuya was standing there still with Uryū. “I’ll stay,” Ryūken said and nodded. “I’ll try. For Masaki, not for Shiba.”

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo had no idea how to deal with the whole thing. He was torn inside for so many reasons. He sunk into his inner world slowly.

“King,” he heard and opened his eyes. He was lying on the side of one of the buildings. He looked beside him to see Shiro sitting beside him.

“Shiro, what is it?” he said with a deep sigh.

“Please, stop this.”

Ichigo closed his eyes and opened them again to see the house that was coated with ice still. Shiro was standing beside him. He reached over and took Ichigo’s hand. “We have to go in together,” Shiro said and looked at him again.

“I can’t go in there,” Ichigo said as the ice started to fall heavier around them.

“You have to.” Shiro saw under the ice, a crystal-clear butterfly was trapped.

Ichigo looked at him. “How can I?”

“I’ll be with you, King. I promise.”

Ichigo looked at him and nodded. “Why do I have to go in there?”

“Because if you don’t, nothing is going to change, King. You’ve got to deal with this.”

Ichigo clutched Shiro’s hand tightly and nodded. “Okay, I’m ready.”

The house was identical to his own. However, when he walked into it, there was a feeling of oppression and pressure.

_You are at fault._

_I am at fault._

_You killed her._

_I killed her._

The voices alternated between Isshin’s and Ichigo’s own.

_You are a monster._

_I am a monster._

_Weak and disgusting…_

The world spun and he was standing in a reversed reflection of his room. He was watching a nearly transparent image of himself and Isshin there.

“You understand, right? You understand that I love you, right son?”

“I know. But why…”

“Because I love you, that’s all, I love you, and you’re mine, remember?”

“I don’t know what to do…”

“Do what I say…”

Shiro gripped his hand tighter. He world spun again. The TV in front of him was playing one of the videos. He heard the whispered voices around him.

_See…you aren’t the only one…_

_Please, I don’t want this…I never have…just stop…_

_I can’t stop. You make me do this. You make me hurt you. I’m your father. I must punish you, don’t I? Or do you think you don’t deserve to be punished?_

_I do…I deserve it..._

_Remind me why?_

_I…I’m a monster. It is my fault Mom died._

_You also almost killed Uryū when you were weak._

_I know. It was because I was a monster._

_Are. You are a monster still. Stop crying. You don’t deserve to cry._

“He’s wrong,” Shiro said, and Ichigo could still feel him clutching his hand. “You don’t deserve to be punished just because I’m here. You aren’t at fault for existing. You did everything you could to protect your sisters from him. You aren’t weak. I’ve watched everything, Ichigo. Everything you hid from me. And I’ve seen it. You never asked for what he did to you.”

Ichigo swallowed a ball in his throat and looked at him. “How…how do I make it stop?”

“The pain you’re feeling? I don’t know.”

“I let it happen. It wasn’t…”

“You didn’t. You were a child. No matter what happened, you didn’t deserve to be hurt. He was wrong the first time he struck you. It was his own fear of being caught that led to the things he told you. He convinced you he was right and you deserving. It couldn’t be further from the truth. He was supposed to take care of you,” Shiro said and turned Ichigo to look at him. He put both hands on his shoulders. “What are you afraid of now? He’s gone.”

“I love him, he’s my father…” Ichigo whispered. “No matter what he did. There’s no changing that.”

“I know.” Shiro exhaled and looked at him. “See that butterfly trapped in the ice?”

Ichigo looked up and saw the crystalline creature fluttering madly against the icy barriers. Around them, the ice was beginning become thicker. “What is it?”

“You have to exhale,” Shiro said and looked at him.

“What’s that mean?” he asked with a confused look on his face.

“Until you exhale, it can’t live. You are going to have to let go, exhale…”

Ichigo sighed and blinked. He was staring outside of Kuchiki manor again. He put his head in his hands and had no idea what to do. His head was a mess and he had no idea how to fix it. He nearly yelped when he felt someone put hands on his shoulder. He looked to see Rukia.

“Rukia?” he said and smiled a bit. “Hey.”

She smiled and sat down beside him. “Hey. I wanted to come see you but I hadn’t had a chance until you got here.”

“Yeah,” he said and sighed.

“Why didn’t you say something?” she asked without looking at him. “I would have helped you.”

“I didn’t need or want help,” Ichigo said with a touch of annoyance.

“You know that’s not true, Ichigo. Stop acting like it is. You know what he was doing was wrong,” she said and looked out on the yard.

“It doesn’t matter; it was my choice.”

“No, it wasn’t,” she commented and looked at him now. “You had no choice, and you know it. He groomed you. He made you believe that he was right. He encouraged your guilt and used it against you.”

Ichigo turned and locked eyes with her. “Don’t you think I know that?” he whispered finally. “I’m not stupid, Rukia. If…if I had been told by someone else that their father did to them what he did to me, I would have had no doubt it was wrong. But it’s different when you’re inside. It’s so easy to look in from the outside and tell people what to do, and to even think what you would do. I need…I need someone now. I need someone because I’m used to it and it…it is the only think I can count on.”

Rukia was quiet for a long time. “I understand that, Ichigo. But…I’m worried about you. I care for you a lot, you know that. And so, do a lot of other people. Nii-sama said that you had some problems when you got here with a few people.”

“I can’t look at them, in their shihakuso and the haori, and not see him. Every one of them is my father. Every one of them is demanding my complete obedience and I can’t stop it. I’m unmoored, Rukia. My tether is gone. I’ve depended on it for so long…you don’t see, it wasn’t what he did, it was different…” he said and ran his hands over his hair. “When I was without my power, you can’t imagine how bad it became,” he whispered. “I was glad you all couldn’t come see me. I thought he was going to kill me, and then I was so scared that he’d go after the girls, especially Yuzu. She was the one I worried so much about. I just…I was so afraid that he’d go do something if I wasn’t there. He…he needed to get rid of the anger and frustration somehow, right? I could take it, so…so…I had to let him…and I came to depend on him…”

“Depend on him for what, Ichigo?” Rukia asked with a sigh.

“I don’t know anymore, Rukia. I don’t know. I thought it was…how it was supposed to be. I got what I needed, he got what he needed…” he said and fell back onto his back to stare at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see it, Ichigo. I’m sorry.”

“He stopped while you were there. I didn’t get it then, but now I know it was because he knew the whole time. He said he was afraid I’d tell but that was stupid. Why would I tell anyone something so horrible?” he whispered and shook his head. “I didn’t want anyone to know and now they all do.”

“Not everyone, Ichigo, the captains know, and the people that are trying to find your father, but that’s all. No one else knows,” she said and brushed her hand over his head.

“I guess that’s good,” he said and turned his head to the side. “Can you...um…”

Ichigo stood up suddenly and went to the futon and sat down. It was growing dark already.

Rukia came and sat by him. “What is it?”

He looked at her. “It’s stupid.”

Rukia shook her head. “No, please, tell me? Do you need something?”

Ichigo swallowed thickly. “Can you stay with me tonight?”

“What?” she asked, genuinely surprised.

“See, dumb,” he said and flopped down to face the wall.

Rukia sighed. “I think I understand,” she said. “Just wait here. I’ll be back,” she said as she got up and headed out the door past a confused looking Renji to find her brother.

“Nii-sama?” she asked, finding that Byakuya was sitting at the dining with Ryūken. He looked up.

“Yes, Rukia?” he asked.

“Ichigo wants me to stay with him tonight, I think it would help,” she said and looked at him seriously.

Byakuya narrowed his eyes at her. “Stay with him?”

Rukia’s face turned to a horrified expression. “Not like that! Nii-sama! I can’t believe you’d think that!” she said and put her hands on her hips. “For one thing, he doesn’t even like girls like that,” she muttered.

“Wait, what?” Uryū said as he came in and sat down near Byakuya.

Rukia arched a brow at him. “Really? Inoue has been practically throwing herself at him for years. If he was into girls, that would have happened a long time ago. Besides, he’s got a crush on Renji,” she muttered with a small smirk.

The three men at the table stared at her and she rolled her eyes. “You are all clueless,” she muttered. “He needs someone to comfort him, that’s all.”

Byakuya nodded. “Let me know if he needs something,” he said and smiled at her.

She nodded and headed to change into a yukata for the night, grabbing a stuffed panda that sat in her room. It wasn’t for her, of course. She passed Renji again who looked even more confused as she disappeared into the room. Ichigo looked up and gave her a small smile. She slid into the futon under the covers and put her arms around him from behind, letting him curl in on himself. As he was falling asleep, he slipped the panda into his arms. He clutched it to his chest. She ran a hand over his head with a sigh.

She didn’t notice when the door opened and Renji peeked into the room.


	5. Breathing Desperation

 

Toshiro sat on Urahara’s step and waited, for what he wasn’t sure. He had no idea what he was expecting. He had trusted him. He had looked up to him. And now? How could someone he considered someone he saw as an idol could do something so very vile and disgusting?

“Taichou?” Matsumoto asked from behind him. He looked over at her and nodded.

“We need to go see if we can find him,” he said as he stood up. “Who is coming with us?”

“Zaraki-taichou brought Yachiru, Yumichika, and Ikkaku. But you’re in charge of the operation,” she said with a smile at him. “You know that the Sou Taichou didn’t want to involve more people than were necessary. He believes that he’ll have enough problems with things as it is without feeling like everyone in Soul Society knows what has occurred.”

Toshiro sighed. “Let’s go. I want this over.”

Moving through Karakura, they were unsure where he would have gone. However, Toshiro had an idea. He found himself to be right.

“I thought you’d come here,” he said, signaling to the others that he’d found him with a pulse of reiatsu.

Isshin was sitting against his wife’s memorial, smoking a cigarette and staring into the sky as clouds gathered. It was going to rain soon. He knew that it was appropriate. He was expecting such a thing and more.

“I had to tell her how sorry I was.”

“You honestly think she would forgive you?” Toshiro almost whispered. Despite how hard he was trying, the small captain was desperately trying to control his own power.

Isshin shook his head. “No. She wouldn’t. I still had to tell her, though. Being sorry isn’t the same as being forgiven. At least she had to know, though.”

“Are you going to come without a fight?” Toshiro said as Matsumoto landed beside him.

“I will. I’ll receive what I deserve, not by your hands, though,” he said as he stood, crushing the cigarette and looking at them.

“What does that mean?” Toshiro asked with a narrowed glance.

Isshin sighed. “You’ll understand soon. I’m ready now to face it. I’m sure the old man has a thing or two to say to me. If not him, others. You know as well as I do what will happen once I’ve returned. Those who have found out will come for me.”

Toshiro escorted him through the senkaimon with the others surrounding them. He said nothing else, only followed them. In short order, he’d been confined in the tower where Rukia had been kept, closing off his access to his power. During the entire ordeal, he said nothing more, as one who has accepted their fate completely. Either that or he had some plan in place that they were unaware of. It would not matter. There were ten captains in the Gotei thirteen, and eleven lieutenants that were aware of what had occurred, and were more than willing to ensure that he did not leave their custody.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Uryū looked up as Ryūken returned from speaking with the captains. He sighed as he sat down across from Uryū.

“You look irritated, more than usual,” Uryū commented.

Ryūken shook his head. “Why did it have to be me?” he sighed.

“Then leave.”

“I don’t want to leave. I can’t,” Ryūken said and picked up a teacup that one of Byakuya’s servants had left for him.

“Why? Why are you here anyway?” Uryū asked because frankly he was worried for Ichigo more than anything with Ryūken around.

The white haired Quincy sighed and shook his head. “I told him the truth, because of his mother. I, in a way, see in him what Isshin did. That untampered sweetness and spirit of his mother. She was always a beautiful person, and Ichigo inherited those traits from her. He looks like her in many ways, but it isn’t his appearance, but his spirit that makes him his mother’s son.”

Uryū nodded. “And he’s our blood.”

“Yeah, even if he never shows Quincy abilities, he is one of our blood. And that matters. You know that much.”

Uryū guessed he understood. “Alright, but just…be careful with him. He is the type that appears so strong, and he’ll do anything for someone else, but he won’t do a thing to save himself.”

Ryūken nodded and stood. He supposed he should see if the boy was willing to talk. Boy, he thought to himself. He was a man now. He knocked on the door and heard a soft “enter”. He opened it and found Rukia was sitting on the futon by Ichigo. He was asleep and clutching the stuffed panda to his chest. He smiled to himself as he dropped to sit beside her.

“How did he sleep?” he asked in a quiet voice.

“Well. I only woke a few times, and he’d stayed in my arms. I know it seems like something, but there is nothing there, not like Nii-sama thought,” she said with a sigh. “I love him as a friend and a brother, so I’ll stay with him.” She paused for a long time. “I should have seen it. So many times. I should have seen what was happening.”

Ryūken sat down beside her on the futon. “We should have seen a lot of things.”

“He’s frustrated by everything,” she said after a moment of silence. “I asked him, and he said that if it was anyone else, he would have known they were treated wrongly. He said that, so on some level, he knows his father was wrong to abuse him like he did. But he loves him, Ishida-san. Loves him even now, and doesn’t want harm to come to him.”

With a soft sigh, Ryūken found himself putting an arm around Rukia. She didn’t seem to mind, and he spoke again. “I know this is difficult but you just have to be there for him as he figures this out for himself. We can’t make him stop feeling betrayed by everyone. We can’t stop him from loving the man that hurt him so deeply. And we can’t just fix him. Things don’t work that way, Rukia,” he said and sighed. To think that he’d sit here giving her advice.

“I want to help him. I don’t know how to help him, though,” she said and reached behind her to stroke his arm. “What do I do?”

“Whatever it takes, and whatever he needs,” Ryūken said with a soft smile at her.

There was a longer silence between them, and she saw that Ichigo was sleeping so deeply that even her moving hadn’t disturbed him. “Come, I’m sure that there’s food for us. I’ll bring Ichigo back something. I’m sure he feels like a prisoner here. He could come out, but he’s pouting I think. Sometimes I wonder if he’s eighteen or eight…” she muttered as they headed out of the room.

Ichigo opened his eyes, having been awake for a while and clutched the Panda to his chest. It was sweet of her to do that. He was afraid his messed up state was going to influence her, though. He didn’t have a choice, though. Shunsui shunned him. He’d hoped that he would help, would take him in, and help him like desperately needed. It didn’t make sense to them, he knew. To them, they only saw the horrible things Isshin had done to him. It had been more than that. It had been more than the things that made him ache with fear and try and run from him. No there had been more than that. Maybe he could get Byakuya to respond. He was loose, unmoored, and he needed something, someone, to hold onto. Even if they hated him, hurt him, he needed someone, anyone.

He sighed and had almost fallen into sleep again when his eyes flew open and he sat up. That was his father’s reiatsu. He was here? Why was he here? He stood and went to the barrier and stared out into the garden. His mouth had gone dry and he didn’t know what to do. He heard the door and turned to see that Rukia had returned.

“Ichigo…”

“They found him? What are they going to do? What’s going to happen to him?” he asked, walking over toward her.

“There’s a meeting. They’ll decide his fate, but Ichigo, you know they’ll punish him. They won’t execute him, but they’ll send him…” she started.

“No, don’t say that, don’t say that place,” he said and turned away. “I don’t…I don’t want him to go there. Please, they should just…I don’t know, send him back, monitor him to make sure he doesn’t do anything bad, I’ll stay here, that way they…they won’t have to worry about him.”

Rukia placed a hand on his arm. “They won’t do that, Ichigo, and you know it.”

Ichigo bit his lip and looked down. He didn’t want him to be thrown in the Maggot’s Nest with the likes of Aizen. He hadn’t done anything that wrong. He glanced behind him at the door and then at Rukia.

“I’m going to walk around the house,” he said and turned to go.

“Do you want me to come with you? I could show you around,” she said as she turned toward him.

“No, I just want to be alone,” he whispered almost too low to be heard and left the room.

He had every intention of getting out of the house. He wasn’t going to let them put his father in the Maggot’s Nest over him. Not only would that be a waste of a captain level Shinigami, it was ridiculous to punish him for something Ichigo deserved, and even wanted.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

 “Isshin Kurosaki, previously known to Soul Society as Isshin Shiba, you stand before the Gotei 13 charged with several unforgivable offenses,” the Sou Taichou said as he looked around the room. The captains and lieutenants had gathered in a large, circular room. The captains sat at a semicircular table and Isshin sat in the center of it with the table winging out around him. Each division’s lieutenant stood behind their captain.

Isshin looked at them with an expressionless face. His hands were bound together and he wore a collar of seki-seki stone to bind his power. The Sou-taichou sat in the middle, with Soi Fon on his left, followed by Shinji, Unohana, Kensei, Toshiro, and Kurotsuchi. On the Sou-taichou’s left, Shunsui sat next to him, then Ukitake, Zaraki, Byakuya, Konohamaru, and Rose. Most the captains had no expression, thought there were a few exceptions. Kensei was glowering at him, and Shinji had a look on his face that none of them had seen before. The normally careless captain was fuming. Of course, Ichigo had been his student.

“You are here merely to determine your punishment, as there is no doubt as to the guilt of your crimes. Do you deny your crimes against your own son, and one of the rare Shinigami born to us?” the Sou-Taichou continued.

“I do not deny it,” Isshin said. “I am ready to accept whatever it is decided my punishment is.”

“Do any of the other captains wish to question Shiba before I pronounce his sentence?” the Sou-Taichou asked.

“Why?” Shunsui asked as he stared at him. “Why would you do something like this to a child? To your own child? Do you even understand the depth of the damage you have done to him?”

Isshin nodded. “I know well what has been done. It can’t be undone, I am sure. Without me, he will eventually give in to the urges I gave him. He’ll need it. The abuse, the sex, the pain defines what he is now.”

Ukitake shook his head. “You have no repentance for what you have done.”

“I don’t need to. He took the most important thing in the world from me, so he was punished. Will you not punish me for doing what I’ve done? He was punished for what he had done.”  

“You can’t be serious?” Toshiro said, eyes narrowing. “For what he did? For existing?”

Isshin nodded. “I know you can’t understand it. His very existence as that monster was an affront to everything and he should have died instead of her when the Grand Fisher attacked. It was him that lured it.”

“He’s not a monster,” Renji snapped, feeling Byakuya’s hand on his leg when he spoke, staying him from continuing.

“But he is. I know Kuchiki-taichou has seen it. That monster nearly murdered Uryū. That monster lives inside my son, and _is_ my son. There is no separating them, and the fact that you all don’t realize that tells me how blinded you are by his physical appearance. He’s-” Shinji slammed both hands onto the table in front of him and stopped Isshin’s words.

“He’s no different than me, or Kensei, or Rose. He’s a Vizard like us, and none of us asked for it to start with! How dare you blame him for what Aizen did to all of us!” Shinji said and stood leaning over the table. “Are we monsters?”

“He isn’t like you,” Isshin said with a sigh. “You call up power from inside. That thing can take over his body and turn him into a full hollow. Your power can’t do that. Yes, you have a fraction of it, that inner hollow, but I fought that creature when it tried to kill Masaki, the hollow without a hole that Aizen created. No, you aren’t like him. You use a monstrous power. He is a monster.”

“Monster or not, how can you possibly make a case for raping your own child? For forcing him to act out your twisted fantasies?” Soi Fon said quietly from her position. She had seen enough of what Isshin had collected when everything was brought from the World of the Living by Ukitake.

Isshin shook his head. “I admit it was wrong, all of it, but I had lost my Masaki, and he wanted to be treated like that, so I complied and took advantage of his desires. I was satisfied in many ways, and able to vent anger and frustration toward an appropriate target. He benefited with his desires being met, and I benefited through them.”

“Wanted?” Rose said now, frowning and looking at him. “He was a child. He didn’t want you to do something like that.”

“He was thirteen and knew what he desired already, if that isn’t evidence of his monstrous nature, I don’t know what is,” Isshin said with a sigh. “You’ll understand. He’ll try to get what he wants out of you now that he’s here without me to sate his desires. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hadn’t already tried to get one of you to bed him or to abuse him.”

“If he did, it would be because you trained him to desire it,” Konohamaru said with a shake of his head. “You believe that he would have had these desires if you hadn’t forced them on him, and that is evidence of your own lack of understanding. He has no understanding of healthy relationships between people because you have denied him since the beginning. You are the monster here, Isshin Shiba.”

“Enough.” The Sou taichou stood. “Isshin Shiba. You are hereby sentenced to the Maggot’s Nest. Your crimes against a child, and a Shinigami, are enough to warrant this. As a previous captain of the Gotei 13, you should have been held to a high standard. This is the end of this meeting.”

The Sou-Taichou stood and left, the rest filing out after him. Two guards came and escorted Isshin out of the room and toward the Maggot’s Nest. As they neared the path to the entrance, the guards sensed someone approaching, but they didn’t expect to be attacked from behind. Once they’d fallen, Isshin turned and smiled at his son, who stood over the two unconscious men, panting and looking at him. Isshin held up his bound wrists and Ichigo cut the binding, allowing Isshin to remove the collar himself. He smiled at Ichigo.

“What are you doing? You have to get away. They’ll come throw you in there! Go to the Rukongai, go hide!” Ichigo said, looking around but not sensing anyone approaching yet. “You’re a captain level, you can do that, you can hide yourself,” he said.

“Why should I?” Isshin said with a smile. “Since you are now a fugitive too. Come with me, son. You can’t go back, you’ve freed me, after all. They’ll throw you in there too,” he said and reached a hand toward Ichigo.

Ichigo hadn’t thought of that. It had been surprisingly easy to get out of Kuchiki manor. He had only to walk the house until he saw one of the servants leaving. They weren’t the most observant individuals, he found, because he slipped right out past the cook’s assistance into the back. He’d vaulted the fence and took off toward the Maggot’s Nest as soon as he hit the ground. Now his father wanted him to come with him, to escape the people that wanted to punish him. Ichigo knew he was right. Of course, they’d punish him too. Why wouldn’t they? They’d sent Isshin to the Maggot’s Nest, and that meant they didn’t intend for him to come out of it.

He didn’t think further, just reached out and took his hand. He didn’t hear the shout as Isshin grabbed him and took off in a Shunpo with him. When the world stopped moving, they were standing in an area Ichigo vaguely remembered as where the Shibas had been when he’d come to Soul Society the first time. Isshin still clutched one of his hands as he moved Ichigo to face him.

“Ichigo, my son,” Isshin said and looked at him. “Have you been worried about me?”

Ichigo nodded. “I knew they’d put you in the Maggot’s Nest. I can’t let you go there. You don’t deserve to go there for something like this. It isn’t fair.”

“Son, you know that it is where I should be. Or is it?” he said as he reached out and grabbed the back of Ichigo’s head by his hair and twisted his head back. “Or is it that you need me to do this, to hurt you?”

“Yes,” he said and felt a surge inside him and he gasped. “But he… Stop, please. He doesn’t like it. He’s so angry, Pop. He’ll do something…”

“Let him come out, then, Ichigo. Let the monster out. He wants to kill me, doesn’t he?” Isshin said, and despite the attempt to keep it out of his voice, a slight tremor took it. This is what he wanted, after all.

“No, Pop, I can’t. I don’t want to let him out, please…” he trailed off. “I can’t stop him anymore, not after he…he…saw everything I had hidden from him…”

“Let him come out so I can see the thing that I saved Masaki from,” he said, twisting Ichigo’s head enough that he yelped from the pain lancing through his neck. “Or I’m going to keep going until he comes out.”

Ichigo’s eyes went wide. “I don’t have…Pop, I can’t control him enough right now…too much has happened, he’s too strong right now, so…don’t…”

Ichigo’s head was released suddenly and he was on his knees from two hard strikes to his stomach. He was holding on to his control as he gasped. He could bear it without Shiro taking over. The next motion, when Isshin grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face forward into the ground, though, shook his control and he felt Shiro clawing to the surface. He breathed heavy breaths as he tasted blood from his mouth and nose and almost didn’t feel Isshin’s hands on his sides, sliding up under the Kusodo. He yelped as one of those hands moved and slammed into his ribs a few times before he was thrown onto his back. He tried to focus instead on the blue of the sky to force things out of his body.

“Pop!” Ichigo gasped as he felt his obi being untied. “Stop, I can’t hold him if you…” he gasped as he tried to keep Shiro at bay but one of his eyes was already bleeding into the black and gold.

Ichigo was so focused on his inner battle he actually did cry out in shock when Isshin forced himself on him suddenly. Somehow, while he was distracted, Isshin had gotten through his hakama enough for it. That shattered the last shred of control Ichigo had over Shiro and he arched, white frothing from his mouth as he released a pulse of hollow tinged reiatsu. Shiro was summoning for help, even if Ichigo didn’t know it. Ichigo believed that Shiro was impervious to fear; he didn’t understand that anything that put his King in danger scared him beyond belief. Isshin smiled as the half mask formed over Ichigo’s face and the black and gold eyes fixed on his own.

“Yer dead.”

Isshin nodded, hands still clutching Ichigo’s hips as he leaned over him. He smiled at him. “I know.”

Ichigo’s gloved hands reached up, grasping at Isshin’s throat as black claws extended from his fingertips. “Ya knew if I got out I’d kill ya. That’s what ya wanted,” Shiro growled, his hands inches from ripping Isshin’s throat out. He hesitated only because he knew that Ichigo would be distraught at Isshin’s death. Their inner world was already half frozen over now. Shiro knew that it would freeze completely once he did this.

“Of course, fitting, you are the beginning of my world, the one who brought me Masaki, and now you are the ending of it,” Isshin said, not moving as he felt the body under him tremble with rage.

Ichigo’s body was in an awkward position, but it didn’t matter to Shiro. “I almost don’t want to, because it’s gonna kill the King, and ya know it, ya bastard.”

“I know. What’s been done, there will be no undoing,” Isshin said with a sigh.  “He’ll look for someone else to abuse him and sate him. I trained him well, so well that I couldn’t even bring his rage to kill me without your help. It’s okay, though. That’s daddy’s good boy,” Isshin said.

At those words, Ichigo’s whole being shook, and those clawed fingers slipped through soft flesh, ripping through it easily to slice the veins and arteries of Isshin’s neck. More than flesh, though, Shiro’s claws rent the other man’s very soul to its core in a way that only a hollow would be able to do. This was not a death that would lead to another life, and Isshin had known it. Isshin gasped and gargled as blood exploded from him. Immediately, Ichigo’s mask shattered and his eyes faded back to normal and he shrieked at the sight. Ichigo reached up and tried to staunch the blood that was raining down on him. Isshin smiled as his arms shook where he held himself over Ichigo.

“Good boy,” he managed and pitched forward on top of Ichigo.

Ichigo cried out again, shoving his body off of him and scrambling out from under his body. “No!” he said and stared at his bloody hands, the tips of the gloves ripped open from the claws Shiro had used. “No, how could you…how…how…”

“Ichigo!” he heard and looked up to see Renji kneeling there. He stared dumbly at him and he heard other people.

“I…I…I killed him…” Ichigo whispered. “I…how…how…I didn’t…but…Shiro…he…”

“Ichigo, are you hurt?” Renji asked, shaking his shoulders hard. “Is this blood all his? What…”

Renji glanced over where Unohana and Byakuya had checked on Isshin’s body. He was very much dead. They’d responded when they heard that Ichigo had tried to help Isshin escape, and had just barely seen Isshin leave with him. Ichigo’s burst of hollow tinged reiatsu had alerted them to where they’d gone. The three of them had come upon Isshin’s body, bled out completely, and Ichigo sitting nearby mumbling to himself, his clothes half off of him and covered in blood.

“I told him no, to stop…” Ichigo said, looking up with desperate eyes at Renji. “I couldn’t stop Shiro from coming out if he did that…but…he wanted him to come out…he knew he was going to kill him, why...why would he do that…why would he make me kill him…I didn’t want to kill him…I wanted him to run, to hide away, but he made Shiro come out, and I killed him!”

“Oh, Ichigo,” Renji said and knelt and pulled him against him. “Don’t blame yourself, please, calm down, okay?”   

“I loved him,” Ichigo gasped and clutched Renji. “And I killed him! I killed him and I loved him and I was a good boy, he said so…why would he want me to do that…I…I…”

“Come on, can ya walk?” Renji asked as he held him as tightly as he could.

“I killed him…I killed him…” he repeated.

“Take that as a no,” Renji said as he let go of him enough to reach under him and scoop him up, letting him cling to his neck. Renji looked at Byakuya. “I’ll take him back,” he said as he disappeared in a Shunpo back to the manor.

Unohana stood up and sighed as some others from the fourth came to retrieve the body. She turned to Byakuya. “To make Ichigo kill him with his own hands…” she whispered.

Byakuya nodded. “There was something very wrong with Isshin Shiba. I only hope that we can help Ichigo get through this.”

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Once Ichigo was back at the manor, they quickly realized that he was far from okay. He wouldn’t talk, wouldn’t move. Over the next three months, he just sat in his room, occasionally rocking where he sat, holding his hands in front of him and staring at them now and then. Rukia, Renji, and the others looked after him, or tried to do so. He refused to leave the room, and he would simply sit and stare. No one had succeeded in convincing him to eat, or even drink. It had gotten to the point that there was a debate as to what to do.

Then, as suddenly as his silence and disconnection descended, it was gone. Ichigo got up one morning and was standing outside in the gardens looking at butterflies that were fluttering around the new blooms. Rukia was surprised, but carefully approached him where he stood.

“Ichigo?” she asked. They had lifted the restrictions on his movement; with Isshin dead, there was no reason to think Ichigo would run away. Though in the last three months, he hadn’t even tried to leave his room to go into the garden just outside of it.

He turned and smiled at her. “Rukia,” he said. “I want to go train with the eleventh, do you think they’ll let me?” he asked.

At first, she wasn’t sure what to say. “I think that Zaraki-taichou would be happy to let you train with them. How are you feeling?”

“Weak,” he answered, picking at the edges of his Kusodo sleeves. “I need to train again. I can’t be this weak.”

“What about-” she started.

“No, nothing else, I just want to train again,” he said and turned on his heel to go back into the house. Rukia was worried, though. There was simply no way he was suddenly fine after three months of being catatonic.

Despite this, she spoke with her brother, and Byakuya arranged to have him go train with the eleventh each day. Byakuya sent Renji, though, to watch, telling Ichigo that Renji needed to work on some of his fighting skills anyway. Renji knew the real reason, and went with him each morning. What he found was that Ichigo would push himself to pure exhaustion, training to the point that anyone else wouldn’t be able to hold their Zanpakutō let alone fight. When they got back to the manor, Ichigo would fall into a dead sleep and wouldn’t speak to anyone then, or upon waking. He still ate very little, claiming he had no hunger these days.

After another long day at the eleventh, Renji collapsed into a seat near his captain. “Taichou, I can’t do this much longer, I’m all for training, but this is ridiculous. He’s gonna kill himself.”

“What is it that he is after?” Byakuya asked.

“I don’t know, he has been over to the fourth several times, he just seems to be tryin’ his best to get hurt. Like just what he did today with Ikkaku…” he said with an exasperated sigh.

“What was that?” Byakuya asked, curious.

“He taunts whoever he’s fighting. I mean, I know he’s a mouthy brat, ya? But this… It’s like he’s trying to work them into a rage enough that they go all out on him. Then he says stuff sometimes and I dunno what to think of it.”

“What do you mean, ‘stuff’?” Byakuya asked, frowning and looking at them.

“Just…like…if it was someone but him it might be less…weird.”

“Abarai, say what it is plainly and stop speaking in circles,” Byakuya said with an arched brow.

Renji licked his lips. “Like, he told Ikkaku that if he could take him down, he might give him a reward, and Ikkaku laughed about it, but you know, there was something there, something…not about fighting.”

“Has he said something like that to you?” Byakuya asked seriously.

Renji tried to hide the rush of blood to his cheeks. “A couple times, just odd things I never thought he’d say. Like I pinned him, not thinking, ya know, and he just grinned at me and asked if I wanted to continue in private, and then laughed, but I don’t think he was jokin’.” Renji sighed. “Dammit, Taichou, what I _want_ and what I know I should do are two different things.” He set his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. “I wanna show him that I care about him, that I wanna have him with me, that I…I could love him.”

Byakuya sighed and nodded to him. “I know, Renji,” he said, tone softening as he put an arm around his lieutenant. “I know. But he is not ready for such things.”

“’Kuya? If I…mess up…is that okay?” he said softly. “I don’t know that I won’t.”

“Renji, I don’t know what will happen. I’m doing my best to avoid thinking the things that might lead to compromising situations with someone that lives under my roof and needs protection from himself most of all. I do not know where the line is. I do not know what to do that will not harm him. Otherwise, I would bring him into our arrangement, for you if not for myself,” he said and pulled Renji toward him into a deep kiss.

Their arrangement was almost as old as the time that Renji had become Byakuya’s fuku-taichou. It had been Renji’s choice when Byakuya made the proposition based on traditional roles of superior and subordinate also being lovers. It was a well-known secret in most corners that Byakuya had taken Renji as a lover as well as his lieutenant. It was much the same type of secret like that of Jūshirō and Shunsui being lovers, or more like partners. What wasn’t known, of course, was the long-time interest Renji had in Ichigo, and Byakuya’s own fascination with the fiery substitute Shinigami that was able to best him. Jūshirō and Shunsui had not been the only ones among the Gotei 13 that had been drawn into Ichigo’s powerful personality and passion.

Nearby, Ichigo had woken and wandered the house as he often did at night. He stood quietly, watching as Byakuya and Renji progressed from kissing to Renji straddling Byakuya where he sat and riding him with abandon. Ichigo bit his lip as he watched their bodies writhing and uniting and wanted nothing more in that moment than to be between them. He knew they would turn him down, both of them. Why wouldn’t they? He didn’t deserve that sort of passion or love like they had. He didn’t deserve to be treated well, to be released in passion like that. No, he was not deserving of that. He watched in silence until they fell to kissing again, panting and spent. He crept back to his room and sat down, painfully in need of his own release. He ignored it, enduring the pain and he felt tears come to his eyes.

He’d keep goading Ikkaku, he decided. Hisagi hadn’t responded well, so his guess was either he was only interested in his taichou, or he wasn’t into other guys. Ikkaku, though, he knew was with Yumichika. He’d thought of trying to get Zaraki’s ire raised, but he wasn’t sure he could get what he needed out of him. He only wanted to fight, and Ichigo needed someone to do more than that. He was going to get what he needed, one way or another. If he couldn’t find someone willing to do it, he’d force someone into it. He chewed thoughtfully on his thumbnail. He could do that. Ikkaku got so swept up in fighting, he could push him. He could get him to accept the beat me and take it. Maybe it would be enough, to pretend like that. Maybe.

He felt bad, though, because he liked Ikkaku as a friend, he did, but the ones that he wanted more than that from hadn’t responded to his needs. Ichigo was using him, and he knew it, but he didn’t know how to even ask for what he needed. So he’d have to be satisfied with doing it this way. He hoped that Ikkaku wouldn’t be too upset by what he was trying to do, as twisted as it was. But he couldn’t do anything else. He had to break the ice that had covered his inner world. It was frozen solid, and the crystal butterfly was slowly dying…

* * *


	6. Whispering in the Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this has changed to just a Byakuya/Renji/Ichigo. See By the Koi Pond for a Ukitake/Shunsui/Ichigo.

 

Ichigo was going to try and get Ikkaku to come around today, he’d decided. He knew it was risky, goading someone into doing something like this. He trained with him and had been extra pushy. Their fight got attention of the squad as Ikkaku and Ichigo both tried to beat the other. He finally had to give in to the exhaustion that was creeping up on him and Ikkaku put him down.

Panting, Ikkaku leaned down to offer his hand. “Well fought.”

“You should get something out of it…” Ichigo told him as he took his hand tightly and stood up slowly.

“I get a prize?” Ikkaku said with a smirk at Yumichika who was standing beside him now.

“Come find me at the ramen place tonight if you wanna reward,” Ichigo said as he put Zangetsu away on his back and left both men wondering what exactly he meant.

Ichigo had him. He’d always been attracted to Ikkaku, and this would work. He was needing a release and he couldn’t do it anymore without being fucked. But he also didn’t want to do it either. He _needed_ to do it. He knew who he wanted to ask but that wasn’t going to happen since he was already with someone else. Who was he to interfere in an existing thing? Nobody, that was for certain. He wasn’t worth either of their time.

He found his way back to the manor and collapsed onto the futon. Once again, he’d pushed himself all the way into exhaustion, well past his limits. He’d been eating lately, so he didn’t feel spiritually weak anymore. He would do anything so that he wasn’t weak anymore.

“Ichigo?” came Rukia’s voice from the door.

“Come in,” he said with a sigh. “I stink, been over at the eleventh sparring with Ikkaku and them.”

“That’s okay, so how is that going?” she asked as she sat down on the edge of the futon.

“Good, but they hold back still.” Ichigo was annoyed at that.

“They hold back?” Rukia wondered.

Ichigo nodded his head under his arm where it was thrown over his forehead. “Yeah, I think they’re worried I can’t handle it.”

“Well, I’m sure you’re doing your best.”

“Not enough, though,” he said with frustration.

“You need time. You’ve been back with us for less than two weeks. You spent three months away,” she said with a soft smile. That was what she called it, being away. He supposed that was one way to put being in a fugue state born of shock and trauma. Even he knew why it happened.

“I suppose you’re right. I just feel like I should be doing more.” Ichigo covered his eyes with his arm.

Rukia was quiet for a few minutes. “So, how are you doing otherwise?”

“Fine,” he sighed, not really wanting to discuss the other things that were going on. “What did they ever do in the World of the Living about me missing, or did Kon take over?”

“You’re listed as a missing person. Kon wasn’t comfortable with the kind of questions and things that he’d be asked if he took over. But if you want to go back, you’ll have to talk to them about it, I’m sure.” Rukia had been the one to talk to Kon and honestly couldn’t blame the mod soul for not wanting to pretend to be Ichigo.

“I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. Better to just stay missing than have to talk to people about it.”

“Your sisters miss you. We managed to get Urahara to take them in and they’re doing fine, though they are confused still about everything that happened. They couldn’t keep it out of the news, considering who your father was to the community. Him dying in police custody had to be investigated,” Rukia explained with a sigh.

“I don’t want to be pitied and that’s what would happen. Pity and sorry for what happened.” The last thing Ichigo wanted to do right now was go back and have to answer to the human police. Better that he was a runaway.

“Ichigo, you know, it is okay to feel things about this. You can feel sad.”

“I’m sad he’s dead. I’m guilty that I murdered him. I’m lonely without him. I’m frustrated that everyone keeps worrying so much about me. I feel a lot of things,” Ichigo muttered with his arm still over his eyes.

Rukia nodded and put a hand on his shoulder. “I know. If you want to talk, I’m here,” she said and stood up.

Ichigo didn’t want to move his arm because he was crying and he didn’t want her to know. He listened until the door shut again and he moved his arm. He wiped away the traitor tears and wondered how long the hurt would stay with him. It was like his whole world had been pulled out from under him and he was just trying to learn how to live again. He decided to sleep until he went to the ramen place to meet up with Ikkaku.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Karin sat at the table in the shoten and stared at the wall. There wasn’t much else to do since her father died mysteriously and her brother ran away. She was still getting over the shock after three and a half months since what had been happening right under her nose had been discovered and exposed. Yuzu had reacted worse, sobbing and wailing. Karin didn’t care about her father being dead. After what he did, and freely admitted to doing, he was dead as her father. Karin was worried about Ichigo.

“Karin-kun,” Urahara said as he came into the tea room. “Is something wrong?”

“Just thinking about Ichigo. I wish he’d come back,” she said with a sigh.

The door opened and they could hear Yuzu sobbing already. Karin looked up as her sister came into the room with a red face and tears streaming down.

“Yuzu, what in the world is wrong?” she asked, standing up.

“They-they said he made it up and that’s why he ran away!” she finally sobbed out. “They said it was all lies and that our d-dad hadn’t done anything wrong!”

“That’s ridiculous, we heard him admit it with his own words, so how do _they_ explain that? A full confession?” Karin scoffed and crossed her arms angrily.

This was another thing they’d been dealing with. With Ichigo’s disappearance came the accusations that none of it was true. They. Those people that stuck their nose into the business of others. They said so many things after the news broke that one of the most respected doctors in Karakura Town had confessed to sexual assault of his own son and then died. Karin and Yuzu had been left behind when their brother disappeared from the hospital. Karin had suspicions that Urahara knew where he was, though. She just got that impression from the shopkeeper. He was far less worried for Ichigo than he should have been if he was really missing.

“You need to stop listening to those idiots,” Karin said and sat back down. “They don’t know anything. They have no idea what its like to find out your father is a scum and then he dies before you can confront him,” she tried to keep the tears out of her eyes, but she couldn’t. She’d never forgive their father for dying before she had a chance to say something to him about what he’d done.

“I know but its so hard to ignore! They talk all the time when I’m around and it just…” Yuzu started, wiping her tears as she spoke.

“Just tell the idiots to shut up!” Karin snapped. “They don’t know anything!”

“Yare, yare, let’s calm down,” Urahara said. “I think everyone is a little worked up. I’ll make you both some tea.”

Karin wanted to tell him to stuff his tea, but she didn’t. It wasn’t his fault. This was all her father’s fault, including Ichigo being missing. Finding out that he’d been abused right there in their house for so many years… She started when the cup sat down in front of her. She sighed and wiped the tears away. She wasn’t going to cry. Yuzu did enough of that for both of them.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo woke up and saw that it was almost sunset. He had slept most the afternoon. He sat up and found that Rukia or someone had left a tray with food on it. He quietly ate and wondered about what he was going to do. He was using Ikkaku, and that was wrong, but what choice did he have? He honestly felt like he had none. He gathered himself and put Zangetsu on the weapon rack; he wasn’t going to fight. It was a far different reason he was meeting Ikkaku tonight. He just hoped he came.

He got to the ramen place to find it nearly empty as it was after the dinner rush already. He was nervous that this would all be for nothing, but he was worried for no reason since he saw Ikkaku come in just as he got seated with a bottle of sake. He figured a little sake would help matters, though he knew Ikkaku had responded to his advances in a positive way.

“Yo, Ichigo,” Ikkaku said as he sat down. Ichigo nudged a sake cup his way, which Ikkaku took without question. “I had no idea you were into giving out prizes.”

“I had no idea Yumichika would let you come get one,” he said with a smirk.

“Yumi and I see others. Mr. Beautiful likes to be admired as often as he can be.” Ikkaku drank another cup.

“Well, the prize is going to take work, you know. I like to play games,” Ichigo downed his third sake cup with a grin. It was a good thing age didn’t matter in Soul SOcieity,k he wasn’t really old enough to drink yet. Eighteen wasn’t twenty.

“Games?” Ikkaku asked as he sipped his cup this time.

Ichigo nodded. “Yeah, so I’m gonna tell ya how this will work. We go, find someplace quiet, then you don’t listen to a word I say after the door closes. I’ll tell you no, but that’s the fun part, you have to take it from me.”

“Are you sure, Ichi?” Ikkaku asked as he poured them both another cup.

“Its all a game, Ikkaku. Just a fun little game I play when I give someone their prize,” he said with a smirk.

Ichigo was depending on the fact only the captains and lieutenants actually knew all the details about what had happened. He needed Ikkaku to be forceful and he was hoping he could get him to do things all the way. He knew as soon as they were alone, he would rethink things and try to back out of their encounter. He knew he was just as scared of doing this as ever, but he needed it. He needed someone to take it from him when he told them no.

“Then we going to have our fun or get drunk?” Ikkaku asked with a smirk.

“Fun, since I’m starting to get drunk,” Ichigo said as he stood up, wobbling a bit.

Ikkaku put an arm around his shoulders and steered him towards the door. Coming out into the night air cleared Ichigo’s head and he started to have second thoughts. The alcohol made him fuzzy though and the next thing he knew, they were going into one of the empty barracks outside the eleventh. Ikkaku locked the door behind them and grabbed Ichigo by the back of the head and kissed him.

“Rough and forceful, yeah?” he said with panting breath.

Ichigo shook his head, the feeling of having someone grab him by the back of his hair sent him into a near panic, but he couldn’t deny the arousal that swept through him. “No, I changed my mind,” he panted, eyes wide. “I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

“You don’t want to? I think I could like this game,” Ikkaku said as he steered Ichigo into the wall and slammed him up against it. He reached down and felt Ichigo through his hakama. “See, look at that, you obviously want this.”

“No, I don’t, not anymore, please,” he panicked because now he knew he was in trouble. Ikkaku thought it was a game and wasn’t going to stop because that’s what he told him to do. He pushed Ikkaku back and caught his breath, putting his hands on his chest. “No, forget what I said, I know I said to not listen to me but you need to stop, please.”

“Not on your life, you got me here, you’re going to pay the price for working me up like this, Ichigo,” he said and slammed Ichigo back into the wall.

He started sucking and biting his neck and Ichigo lost strength to push him off. He was falling into an abyss and there was no way out of it. He’d done this, he’d put himself in this position. He was going to have to pay for what he’d done. He deserved it and he couldn’t blame Ikkaku for anything that happened here tonight. He was at fault entirely.

“I can’t…please…I’ve changed my mind, please,” he begged as he felt Ikkaku’s teeth bite into the flesh of his shoulder. He said he wanted force, and this was why he’d picked Ikkaku.

Things were hazy again but then he felt Ikkaku’s body move off of him suddenly and he was left leaning against the wall, blinking in confusion.

“Renji?” he whispered as he realized that Renji had pulled Ikkaku away and was talking to him in hushed tones. Ikkaku’s face changed and he nodded.

“Sorry,” he said and escaped out the door.

Renji turned to Ichigo then. “What the hell are ya doin’?”

“I don’t know anymore,” he whispered as he slid down the wall to drop his head between his knees. He was dizzy and couldn’t stand any longer. “I don’t know. I shouldn’t have done that to Ikkaku.”

“Done that to him? He’s the one that wasn’t listening to you when you told him to stop,” Renji growled. He came and knelt in front of Ichigo.

“Because I told him earlier not to listen to me. I told him I wanted him to take it from me. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go through with it, so I told him it was a game,” he said and looked up at Renji’s dark eyes.

“You tried to trick someone into…Ichigo!” Renji said with exasperation. “I can’t believe you’d do something to Ikkaku. Can you imagine what he would feel like if he thought you weren’t willing?”

“I know,” he whispered and ran a hand over his head. “I thought the sake would help.”

“What am I going to do with you?” Renji asked no one in particular and reached over to pull Ichigo to his feet. “I know what we’re going to do. We’re going to talk to Kuchiki-taichou about this.”

“Can we not tell him…” Ichigo started as he stumbled after Renji.

Renji wasn’t talking any more as he led Ichigo back to the manor and through the front straight to Byakuya’s room. He pounded on the door. Ichigo was mortified because he had no idea what they were going to do to him. Would he be punished for what he almost made Ikkaku do? He hadn’t gotten through with it and he was sure that he couldn’t be in trouble for almost doing something.

“What is it at this hour?” came Byakuya’s voice as the door opened.

Byakuya was dressed for bed, obviously, and had a very annoyed look on his face. Ichigo pulled back on Renji again but Renji shoved him forward and past Byakuya into the room. Byakuya just stepped out of the way and let both of them past into the room. Byakuya’s room was simple: a futon in the middle of the room and a dresser to the side. The side doors were open and led on the deck that went down the side of the building and the koi pond in the middle of the garden area.

“I’m sorry, I tried to stop him,” Ichigo said as he turned and looked between the two of them.

“Waiting to discuss this isn’t going to happen. He tried to trick Ikkaku into raping him,” Renji stated flatly.

“You what?” Byakuya asked, blinking at him and showing a rare emotion of shock.

“It wasn’t like that; I agreed ahead of time.” Ichigo crossed his arms over his chest.

“And told him not to listen when you said no,” Renji growled under his breath. “So yes, you may have agreed to it ahead of time but when you chaged your mind you made it so he’d force you.”

Ichigo opened his mouth to argue but then just closed it. He had no defense against this. He was sure that Byakuya would punish him, and for some reason he wanted that to happen. He deserved to be punished for what he did.

“It is obvious that my thinking that time would temper him was incorrect,” Byakuya said with a sigh, turning and pouring a cup of water from a pitcher that sat on a serving cart nearby. “The needs are too strong for him to control.”

“What are you talking about?” Ichigo asked suddenly. “You’ve discussed something like this happening before?”

“We knew that you’d been trained by your father to be treated a certain way, and that training doesn’t just go away,” Renji said with a sigh. “We wanted to come to you sooner, but we wanted to give you time. But it seems that time is only going to make things worse for you.”

“I don’t understand.” Ichigo was very confused by what exactly Renji was getting at.

“Idiot. Why do you think I followed your dumb ass?” Renji said with a roll of his eyes.

“I don’t know, stupid eyebrows!” Ichigo snapped back, crossing his arms over his chest and feeling overly exposed at the moment.

“Ichigo, Renji and I have an arrangement with each other, we’re also lovers as superior and subordinate.”

“I figured that out already,” Ichigo said with a twinge of hurt. Of course, this was how they were going to put him outside their arrangement.

“We were going to invite you to join us when you were ready,” Byakuya continued.

Ichigo gasped and looked between them, not sure how to react to that admission. They weren’t excluding him from their relationship. They weren’t exclusive with each other. They wanted him?

“Why would you want me?” he asked finally when his voice could be found.

“Because I care about you and I want you to know what it feels like to have someone you care about love you the right way,” Renji said with a glance at Byakuya. He stepped forward and put one hand on Ichigo’s arms. “I, no we, want to show you that you’re worthy of being loved.”

“I’m not, though, look what I tried to do tonight!” Ichigo said, stepping back and brushing Renji’s hand off his arm. “I’m not worthy of real love.”

“Then consider it an arrangement to answer your needs,” Byakuya said with a soft and unususal smile. “If you won’t allow love, then at least allow us to help you meet your physical needs.”

“If I do say yes, you’ll listen to me when I say to stop, won’t you?” he asked with a blush rising to his cheeks. How could they know how it made him feel that they thought he was worthy of their attention.

“Of course,” Renji said with a smirk as he stepped forward and ran a hand down Ichigo’s arm. “Come on,” he whispered and pulled Ichigo forward to kiss him chastely on the lips. Ichigo gasped at the action and opened his mouth, allowing Renji to slip his tongue into his mouth. The gentle exploration became passionate kissing in short order. Renji was surprised by his receptiveness and went with it from there, putting both hands on Ichigo’s shoulders.

Ichigo was in a fugue state again, perhaps from the alcohol, perhaps from the kissing, but he let Renji probe his mouth for what felt like forever before he pulled back panting. Kissing was new for him, especially like this. He’d never done much kissing before tonight and was probably not very good at it.

“You seem to like that,” Renji said with a bated breath.

Ichigo nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

Byakuya grabbed Ichigo’s chin and turned his head toward him. He leaned in and Ichigo leaned forward, wondering if kissing him was like kissing Renji. He felt his lips and found them softer than he expected as his tongue flicked out at the seam of Ichigo’s lips to request entry. Ichigo opened his mouth and again fell to losing himself in kissing. It felt so different than anything he’d ever experienced, and he liked it quite a bit. When Byakuya pulled away, he leaned toward him, wanting to recapture his lips again.

“I think he likes the attention,” Byakuya said with a smile again.

“Ya, I think he’s liking what we’re doing, ‘Kuya…” Renji said and reached down to find Ichigo was aroused painfully. “Well, we can continue and help you with this little problem.”

“Renji, why don’t you show him what you can do with that mouth of yours if he wants,” Byakuya told him.

“Do you want, Ichi?” Renji said with a wide grin. “I’ll show you that you don’t need to go to anyone else, I’ll satisfy you, we both will…”

Ichigo couldn’t think straight but he nodded to him. “Yeah, you can do what you want, I’ve never had someone do that…”

Renji nodded and untied the obi before sliding Ichigo’s hakama off his hips and kneeling down in front of him. Byakuya took the opportunity to capture Ichigo’s lips again while Renji stroked Ichigo slowly before taking him into his mouth. Ichigo gasped at the sensation as Byakuya occupied his mouth. Renji went down all the way and Ichigo couldn’t last after all the kissing as he felt himself crest suddenly. He looked down and gasped.

“I’m sorry!” he gasped. Renji swallowed and smirked up at him. “No, that’s what I was goin’ for.”

“I don’t think we’re ready for more than that right now. Come, lie down with us and rest,” Byakuya said with a slow grin as he pulled Ichigo after him. He handed him a yukata and then gave one to Renji. Ichigo slipped out of his kusodo and put on the yukata and turned to see Renji had changed as well. He was picking up all the clothes and folding them now. Byakuya took Ichigo by the hand and pulled him toward the futon.

Renji crawled into the futon and then Byakuya pulled Ichigo down between them. Byakuya pulled the cover over the three of them. Ichigo wasn’t sure what to feel as he laid there between them. Was this real?

“Go to sleep, Ichigo,” Byakuya said and put an arm over him. Renji rolled over and tossed one of his legs over Ichigo’s leg.

Before long Ichigo had drifted off between them and Byakuya whispered to Renji.

“Perhaps we underestimated him.”

“I think so,” Renji answered. “We were so worried about him not being ready, we failed to see that he had needs that had to be met.”

Renji reached over and interlaced his hand with Byakuya’s over Ichigo’s form. “He needs love. Did you notice how he reacted to being kissed? I believe that is something he has not experienced.”

“Yeah, I noticed, he was into it quite a bit. I hope we aren’t rushing things,” Renji mused as he squeezed Byakuya’s hand.

“We made the choice to move forward. We have to accept what that means. We’ll take the rest of things slowly, letting him lead the way with what he wants and needs.”


	7. Frozen Breath

 

Ichigo wasn’t sure if it was a dream or reality when he struggled to wake up the next morning. He was sure that there was no way he’d just received a blow job from Renji and then fell asleep between him and Byakuya Kuchiki. However, as morning light streamed in through the doorway that led out on the deck, he opened his eyes to feel a heaviness on his body. He started to move but found that the heaviness was Renji wrapped around him and still sound asleep. He didn’t see Byakuya when he turned to the side. So it was reality.

“You are both going to sleep all day.” Byakuya’s voice came from the doorway.

Ichigo looked at him and froze, not sure what to do. He couldn’t move with Renji tangled up in him though.

“Just a bit longer, ‘Kuya…” Renji muttered and only seemed to tighten his grip on Ichigo.

“Get up or we’ll be late to the division again. We mustn’t lose face in the division’s eyes. And Ichigo will be expected at the eleventh.”

Renji rolled over onto his back. “That’s gonna be awkward,” Renji said, glancing at the silent Ichigo.

“He must go and continue training as expected. I am sure that by now Ikkaku has been informed of the details since I’ve already been to talk to Zaraki-taichou this morning about the situation.”

“What? What did you tell him?” Ichigo gasped as he wondered exactly what kind of thing he’d tell Kenpachi.

“The truth. You were in a bad place and involved Ikkaku when you shouldn’t have. He understood and said he’d talk to Ikkaku about it,” Byakuya’s face didn’t change at all as he spoke. “I said you would be by to apologize to Ikkaku and train for today but after that you were going to come train with my division.”

“I can’t go over there and face him!” Ichigo said and dropped his head into his hands.

“You will. This is the arrangement and there will be no exceptions. This arrangement between the three of us will include you doing things that you need to do. If this is unacceptable, you may leave it now,” Byakuya stated, stoically as ever.

“What? I have to…” Ichigo stopped. He was almost going to say _I have to be a good boy._ His face twisted and he almost felt tears before he continued. “I have to go apologize to him,” he said instead.

He could do this. He could be a good boy again. He needed someone that could take control from him. He needed someone that would tell him what to do when he was confused. He needed exactly what Byakuya was offering.

Renji looked at Byakuya before getting up to get dressed. He tossed Ichigo his clothes and changed without seemingly a second though. Ichigo though felt his face heat. He didn’t think he could change clothes in front of them, even though last night… He swallowed and went ahead and changed, trying to ignore both of them as he did so. When he was finished, he stood up and nodded.

“I have to get Zangetsu and then I’ll go over there,” he said.

“Renji will go with you.”

“Taichou?” Renji asked, sounding curious.

“I want today to go without incident. I can handle everything at our division, though you’ll have paperwork when you come in tomorrow.”

Renji sighed and looked at him. Ichigo shifted and felt slightly uncomfortable with the look he was getting. Finally, Renji nodded and spoke. “Let’s go. Yer gonna pay me back for all this paperwork I’ll have,” he grumbled as he grabbed Ichigo by the arm and pushed him toward the door.

“What do I say to Ikkaku?” Ichigo asked as he got to his room and noted that the stuffed animal was there. Rukia must have been looking for him last night.

“Sorry for involving you in my mess?” Renji offered as Ichigo took Zangetsu from the rack.

“This is mortifying,” Ichigo sighed as they headed out of the manor to go to the eleventh.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Shiro finally felt like he could move again. Something had thawed some of the ice that locked them in place within Ichigo’s inner world. He was by the house of memories where the butterfly was weakly fluttering behind an ice wall.

“I gotta get that butterfly out,” Shiro muttered as he pulled himself from the frozen cocoon. He didn’t know why he knew that, he just did. The butterfly needed to be free so Ichigo could breathe again.

“You want to release it,” Zangetsu said from beside him. Shiro didn’t even notice when he showed up.

“I have to release it, for tha’ King’s sake,” Shiro explained as he climbed over ice to get to the house of memories again. It was completely frozen over now. Shiro was glad to be free but he wondered what had thawed their icy prison. Ichigo wouldn’t have access to Bankai at all while they were frozen, but he apparently hadn’t tried to summon the second release. He was lucky Zangetsu was permanently in release mode.

Shiro stood in front of the house and looked up at the crystalline looking butterfly behind the ice. It was above the front door, and behind a particularly thick looking piece of ice that now covered the door again.

“He’s hiding something from us again; the door’s frozen over again,” Shiro noted and began swinging at the door, chipping away the ice. “He’s done something he don’t want me to know about,” Shiro groused and continued. He’d chip away until he broke through into the house again.

Around them, the sideways buildings began to drip, just a little.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo was nervous about seeing Ikkaku again, and he also wondered what he knew. How much had Kenpachi revealed was the question. As they came up to the eleventh, they saw Kenpachi with Ikkaku and Yumichika. Ichigo ducked his head and started to slow down but Renji shoved him forward.

“Ikkaku, you and Ichigo need to talk for a minute,” Renji said as they got near.

Both Kenpachi and Yumichika nodded to Renji and left. Ichigo shuffled his feet and looked at Ikkaku.

“I’m sorry I involved you in my messed up situation,” Ichigo said with a deep sigh.

Ikkaku nodded. “I think I understand a little better. Zaraki-taichou explained what had happened with your father. Why did you ask me to do that? Why would you?”

Ichigo sighed. “I was frustrated and annoyed and I trusted you more than anyone else that was here. I thought that when it came down to it, I would be fine, but I wasn’t.”

Ikkaku sighed and shook his head. “Well, I’m glad it wasn’t because you hated me or something like that.”

Ichigo looked at him and shook his head. “Nothing like that. I-I felt like if it was you, I’d be fine. I wanted to be fine.”

“Hence the sake, which I’ve never seen you drink before,” Ikkaku surmised. He gave Ichigo a grin. “Well, as long as that’s settled, you still training with me today? Without prizes?”

“Huh, I think I’m done with that…” Ichigo muttered as he glanced at Renji.

Ikkaku looked at the redhead and arched a brow. “I see.”

“He’s going to train here today but afterward, he’s training over with us,” Renji explained. “Kuchiki-taichou wants to keep a closer eye on him.”

“I see, well, come on for today, you joining us too, Renji?” Ikkaku asked as he motioned them toward the training grounds.

“Yeah, I have to make up the paperwork later but Ichigo is going to pay me back for it, aren’t you, Ichigo?” Renji asked with a smirk.

Ichigo had no idea what kind of payback he was going to be expected to give, but he would do it, after all, he was being punished for his actions. He needed that to happen, too. For some reason, those needs seemed programed into him now and he couldn’t shake them off no matter how hard he tried.

They all joined the training, and this time Ichigo didn’t push himself to exhaustion. Ikkaku commended him for knowing when to stop this time. All in all, the day went by quickly and even though Ichigo still was feeling weird about what he’d almost tricked Ikkaku into doing, even though he said everything was okay. He really had to be messed up in the head to have done that to someone else.

“Ready to go back?” Renji asked as Ichigo stood staring at nothing after training was done.

“Oh, yeah,” he said, a little worried about what the evening would entail. Maybe Renji and Byakuya would decide that they’d made a mistake and he wasn’t worth being in such an arrangement with them.

“Come on, then, ya gonna stand there all day?” Renji grabbed him by the upper arm again and steered him back toward Kuchiki manor.

Ichigo let him tug him along and wondered why it didn’t bother him that Renji kept grabbing him. Was that some sort of sign that he was doing something wrong? He was confused why he kept touching him in such ways. He let himself be led to the dining area where Byakuya was already sitting.

“Get cleaned up for dinner, you’re having it out here with us tonight.” Byakuya was inscrutable as usual and Ichigo nodded before he started to head to the bath.

“Hold on, I’m going too,” Renji said as he took him by the wrist this time. Ichigo started and wondered why he would want to bathe together. He glanced at Byakuya who was ignoring them.

Renji led him into the bath where there was already one drawn. He started to undress and Ichigo just stood there watching.

“Come on, you smell, wash off,” he said as he started to clean himself, seemingly unfazed by being nude in front of someone else. Ichigo followed suit, scrubbing himself and stepping into the bath. He sat down in the warm water and felt it soothe his tired muscles. Renji got in on the other end and smiled at him. Ichigo sat a bit uncomfortably with Renji’s stare.

“You really are kinda adorable,” Renji commented. “Being embarrassed about this after what we did last night.”

“Yeah, well, that was different,” Ichigo muttered, splashing water toward Renji.

“Huh, well, we’ll fix that eventually,” Renji said and stood up to get out. “We should go before Byakuya has to wait for us.” Ichigo was surprised when he held out his hand toward him. Ichigo took it, standing up and feeling overly exposed now.

They both dressed in yukata that Renji had brought into the bath with them. Renji then gathered up their clothes to take them somewhere, Ichigo guessed to be cleaned. Ichigo waited by the door until Renji came back. He put an arm around Ichigo’s shoulders and smirked at him.

“You’re quiet tonight,” he observed as he walked them into the dining room.

“Sorry,” Ichigo said and felt strange. Renji wasn’t acting like they were going to toss him away, but the fear was still in his gut.

“How did the day of training with the eleventh go?” Byakuya asked as the servants brought out the food for the evening meal.

“Good, Ichigo actually stopped when he was tired,” Renji said as he sipped the glass of water in front of him.

“Good, I’m glad to see you aren’t pushing beyond your limits. Have you used your Bankai yet?” Byakuya asked with a glance at Ichigo.

Ichigo was sitting on one side while Renji sat across from him. Byakuya sat at the head of the table. Ichigo slowly shook his head, picking at his food. He didn’t want to talk about that, mostly because he was afraid to even sink into his inner world. He knew beyond a doubt that Shiro would be mad about what he’d been trying to do. He knew, though, that he’d find out eventually. He couldn’t keep him out of his memories for too long.

“Is there a reason or you just haven’t used it for some reason other than need?” Byakuya continued.

“Um, I haven’t been to my inner world since I got here,” he muttered and sipped the glass of water nervously.

“Why is that?” Byakuya wondered as he glanced toward Renji for a second. “You previously had a good relationship with your Zanpakutō spirit.”

“Just, things are different right now…” Ichigo stopped, sensing Shiro was close to breaking through one of his barriers. He wondered how long he’d been chipping away at that. “He’ll find out what I’ve been doing and get mad over it.”

“He ought to be mad,” Renji muttered.

“Well, you’ll have to deal with that as well, but I’m glad you went today and spoke with Ikkaku. Was he receptive to your apology?” Byakuya asked.

Ichigo nodded. “Yeah, he said Kenpachi had told him what happened. I don’t like more people knowing, but I guess Ikkaku and Yumichika are fine.”

“They won’t tell others,” Byakuya stated as he finished his meal. “I believe we have some other private conversations to be had.”

Ichigo felt his heart clench. Could this be where he decided he’d made a mistake and didn’t want Ichigo to be in their _arrangement_ any longer? He stood up when the others did and found himself following behind Byakuya toward his room again. Renji was behind him at first but then moved up and put an arm around him again. Ichigo flinched a little, still not used to all the ways he was being touched by others. They all entered the room and Byakuya opened the door onto the deck to let the evening breeze into the room.

“Now, about our arrangement,” Byakuya began and Ichigo knew it was going to go wrong now. He was surprised when Byakuya instead placed a hand on Ichigo’s face. Ichigo turned into it and wondered what was going to happen now. “You seem to have come around to the idea quickly, so I just want to confirm this is what you want to get into.”

“I don’t know what I want,” Ichigo admitted, still leaning into being touched by Byakuya’s hand. “I just want to feel something.”

“Well, that’s something that can be arranged,” Renji murmured as he moved to kiss him again. Ichigo immediately responded, opening his mouth and letting Renji control his head. He felt himself melting into it again. He didn’t resist as Renji moved him to sit on the futon, finding him leaning in for more kissing as they separated.

“I think he likes to kiss,” Byakuya noted as he watched the two of them. Ichigo felt so many things he’d never felt before and he didn’t know how to react, he just knew that the kissing and mixing of breath was nice and felt really good. It was so different from the things he’d experienced before. Kissing was painful clashing of teeth and biting. This was soft and felt like he could just drown in the sensations.

He jerked as he felt Byakuya sit down beside him. He wondered if he would kiss him too, as he leaned closer. Byakuya smirked and leaned toward him, capturing his lips in a quickly passionate kiss. Ichigo fell into him and soon was wrapped into his arms, mouth fully occupied and almost weak with it. He giggled a little when he felt Renji start kissing his neck gently. Again, he was used to teeth and pain, this was so very different.

Renji pulled at the neckline of the Yukata until he’d pulled it off Ichigo’s shoulder and started to suck gently on spots. Meanwhile, Ichigo was still enjoying being kissed with such emotion behind it. He wasn’t sure how exactly to act as Byakuya pulled away from him. He leaned closer again.

“My, look at how you crave this already.”

Ichigo flushed red as he realized his yukata was practically off his upper body now. He felt Renji’s hands as he began to fiddle with his nipples. Byakuya smiled again, kissing Ichigo’s nose on the bridge before he returned to his mouth again. Renji’s hands were causing him to react in an odd way to him touching him there. He still felt a gentle rain of kisses, licks, and sucks on his shoulder and neck.

“You want to continue?” Renji whispered huskily from behind him. “We’ll only go further if you want.”

Ichigo nodded, annoyed at the break of attention he was getting from both of them. “Yeah, keep going,” he whispered before he tried to get back to Byakuya’s mouth. Renji tilted his head and instead captured his lips in a soft, languid exploration of his mouth with his tongue. Byakuya shifted and was now kissing the back of his neck gently.

 _Exhale, Ichigo,_ he heard in his mind. He had no idea what Shiro meant but he did it exhaling into Renji’s mouth and feeling the other man’s breath in his own. _Inhale._ He gulped air and found himself being pushed down on the futon, still kissing Renji. He wanted more from them. He watned everything from them.

Renji’s hands began exploring his legs and he felt like his heart was going to explode. He was painfully aroused from the kissing and when Renji brushed him, it was like a jolt of electricity shot through him.

“Well, I think he’s into what we’re doing,” Byakuya said as he began to stroke Ichigo lightly.

Ichigo had lost his obi on the yukata and was exposed to both of them. Renji pulled him to lay on his side as Byakuya kissed his spine. Renji pulled him in close and pressed his own arousal against Ichigo’s, taking a moment to stroke them together. Ichigo arched his back a little as he felt Byakuya’s hand slide down and probe at his entrance. He moved his legs a little and felt Byakuya sink fingers into him. He groaned against Renji’s lips again as he felt too many things at once.

“You okay,” Renji breathed into him slowly.

“Yeah, good, feels really good,” he said with a whine to his voice. “I’m going to go…”

“Then go,” Byakuya whispered as he twisted his fingers into his sweet spot, causing him to jerk as he felt his crest coming upon him. “We’ll take care of you.”

Ichigo couldn’t stop it from hitting him then. He moaned as Renji kissed him through it, stroking them together as he came seconds after Ichigo. Ichigo felt like he was going to come apart at the seams as he felt Renji kiss down his throat. Byakuya’s fingers were still inside him and he felt himself growing hard again almost immediately as Renji stroked them still. Byakuya moved his fingers and moved to pull Ichigo up on his knees. He went with it, breaking away from Renji’s lips and feeling Byakuya’s hardness rubbing between his thighs. Renji moved to sit on his knees and Ichigo saw that he was hardened again.

“Try your mouth,” Renji gasped out as he guided his head forward.

Ichigo didn’t feel shame at the action of taking Renji into his mouth. This felt right, warm, not cold and shameful as he swallowed against Renji. He had gotten good at doing this, though Renji was bigger than… No, he wasn’t going to think about it. He instead focused on the red of Renji’s hair. He was so engrossed in what he was doing, he didn’t notice Byakuya doing something then pressing against him. There was a flash of fear but then it was gone when Byakuya sunk into him easily, obviously having used some sort of lubricant. It felt far different than anything he’d ever experienced because there was no pain, only a sensation of being filled and sparks of pleasure when he pressed against the right spot inside of him. He was overcome with sensation as he felt himself growing close again.

Renji suddenly grabbed Ichigo’s head and forced him down more, and he didn’t resist, he just went with where he was guided. He felt Byakuya’s slow slide in and out of him as Renji became more frantic. He shoved him down all the way and shot down his throat. Renji pulled back and picked up Ichigo’s face, returning to kissing him again as Byakuya sped his thrusts to come to completion. Ichigo kissed Renji furiously as he felt another wave of pleasure came through him, slamming into him suddenly. Byakuya struggled to hold on but only thrust a couple more times before he came.

Ichigo lost himself then, going somewhere between being conscious and tranced out. When he came back to himself, he was being soundly kissed by Byakuya as Renji was wiping him up with a washcloth.

“Well, that seems to have been enjoyable for you,” Byakuya said as he pulled away.

Renji planted a kiss on his lips quickly as he fell down into the futon beside him. “I think he’s out of it.”

Ichigo didn’t answer for a few minutes, only felt sensations around him. “I think I like you both,” he finally gasped out.

“I’d hope you like us,” Renji said with a snort. “I don’t do this sort of thing that we just did with people I don’t like.”

Renji grabbed Ichigo’s face and kissed him again. Ichigo kissed back and it was a languid, slow thing. He felt Byakuya wrapping his yukata closed and straightened it. “I think this is more than physical for him,” Byakuya said with a sigh as he ran his hand over Ichigo’s head.

Ichigo couldn’t even articulate what he was feeling, let alone respond to that. He’d thought he was so disconnected from sexual acts that doing things with them wouldn’t affect him. However, the more they kissed and the more they touched him, the more his heart pounded. Was there more to this than just physical sensation? He thought there was, but he had no idea what to do with it. He was being loved, not just used.

“I-I think so,” he finally stammered.

“Good, because it should be more than physical,” Renji said as he kissed his lips again.


	8. Learning to Exhale

Again, the morning light streaming into the room woke Ichigo, but this time before both Renji and Byakuya. He felt good and rested, something he hadn’t really felt in a long time. He laid there, one arm trapped under Renji and the other lying on top of Byakuya’s arm. He was still not sure if it was a dream or not. Could he really be loved? Was it possible?

_No one will love you because you’re a monster._

But was he a monster anymore?

 _King, you have never been a monster._ He was growing tired of keeping Shiro out and decided to stop. He felt the barrier crash, and he knew Shiro would know what he’d been doing now. He felt himself sink into his inner world slowly to deal with the inevitable reaction from the spirit.

“What the ever lovin’ fuck did you think you were doing?” he heard as soon as his feet landed on the side of one of the buildings. He felt his feet slide a little and realized there was a sheen of ice on the building.

“I don’t know exactly,” he said as the space in front of him was soon occupied by his white counterpart. Then he was moving and now stood outside the house. The doorway had obviously been covered with ice which Shiro had broken through.

“Why? Why would you do something like that, why would you seek out ways to be hurt?” Shiro asked and sighed deeply.

“I don’t know!” Ichigo nearly shouted. “Look, I apologized already to Ikkaku…”

“That’s not the point!” Shiro was exasperated looking as he put a hand to his forehead. “You look. You keep wanting to be punished and that needs to stop. Ya aren’t in need of punishment anymore than I am.”

“I know. Believe me, I’m trying to convince myself of that fact! It is taking everything I have to not run from Byakuya and Renji!” Ichigo crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Shiro.

“Don’t you dare run from them,” Shiro snarled, grabbing Ichigo by the back of the neck and pulling him close. “They’re the only thing that has been metltin’ the fuckin’ ice in here. You know what it is like to be near frozen for months like we were?”

Ichigo gasped and nodded at him. “I’m sorry.”

“Wasn’t your fault,” Shiro said, surprising Ichigo. “Was mine for killin’ that bastard.”

“Why did you do it? I didn’t want him to die!” Ichigo said, approaching the reason he didn’t want to come to his inner world for.

“I had no choice! After what he was doing, and would have continued to do! He had a hold over you so strong that I, a part of yer fuckin’ soul, couldn’t access parts of your mind. Do you know how absolutely fucked up that is? He had you convinced you _deserved_ to be treated so very badly. You were a child and didn’t deserve any of it. Even I know it.”

Ichigo wiped away tears and sighed. “But I loved him. He was my father no matter what he did,” he choked out. “And you made me kill him.”

“Make no mistake, I killed that man, not you.” Shiro glared for a second then reached out and pulled Ichigo in to wrap his arms around him. “Remember that. _I_ killed him. You couldn’t have killed anyone like that.”

Ichigo let go the hold he had on his tears and let them fall as he clung to Shiro. “But still…”

“Shush, you aren’t at fault for anything,” Shiro said and Ichigo felt himself come awake with a start.

“You okay, Ichi? You were thrashing in your sleep,” Renji asked from beside him.

Ichigo wiped his eyes and nodded. “I was dealing with Shiro.”

“How did it go?” Byakuya asked from where he stood by the doorway, already in his shihakuso.

“He was mad, but not too bad. I asked him why he killed him.” He ran a hand over his head. “We talked about that.”

“You’ve done one thing you had to do, and now I think you need to deal with something else,” Byakuya said and moved to sit beside him.

“What is that?” Ichigo asked, not sure what he was talking about.

“Deal with the World of the Living,” Byakuya said, putting a hand on Ichigo’s leg.

“I can’t go back!” Ichigo gasped. “I’ll have to talk to people about it!”

“I’ve talked to Urahara, and your sisters are suffering because of you running away. If you deal with the situation there, Kon can take over afterward and you can still stay in Soul Society,” Byakuya stated, squeezing Ichigo’s leg through the cover.

Ichigo swallowed a lump. “How do I explain my running away?”

“You’ll have to figure that out, but I think this is another of those things that you _need_ to do. Renji can go with you, and perhaps you can explain Kon to your sisters and why he’s different when he’s there. Urahara will help with the girls. But they miss their brother.”

Ichigo knew he was right but he was still beside himself with what he’d face when he went back. He wanted to take care of his sisters but to have to talk to the police…

-oooooo -OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo stood at the senkaimon and swallowed against the ball in his throat. He was going to do it; take a few days and get to the point where Kon could take over for him. He looked at Renji beside him and grabbed his hand tightly.

“I’m gonna be here for you, the whole way, even though I’ll have a mountain of paperwork when I get back…” Renji groused.

They stepped through, met by Urahara with a Gigai for Renji and Ichigo’s body for him. It felt weird being in his body again. He sighed and looked at Urahara.

“I don’t know where to start.”

“With the girls,” Urahara said with a gentle smile. “Come, they’re both in the tea room.”

Ichigo looked at Renji again and then followed Urahara toward the tea room.

“Girls, I have someone,” Urahara said and let Ichigo come in.

“Anaki!” Yuzu screamed and was up and wrapped around him in an instant. Karin stayed back a little but she looked like she could cry. “How did you get in here? Did you come in the back door?”

“Um, I’ll tell you where I’ve been, I promise,” he said as he hugged Yuzu.

“Over three months, Ichigo! What were you doing?” Karin asked as tears started to flow down her cheeks.

“Well, three months of it, I was out of it after he died. I didn’t do anything but stare at the wall, but I’m a bit better now,” he told them, feeling tears of his own. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

“You were somewhere else, weren’t you? Where you always disappear to!” Karin accused.

“That’s a story for later. For now, I need to deal with me being missing so things can go back to normal…” he whispered. He swallowed hard again and looked at Renji. How was he going to do this part?

“Come on, we’re using the excuse you were with me,” Renji said. “We’ll tell the truth except where exactly you were.”

Ichigo hugged Yuzu again and then looked at Karin. She moved up and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I wish he hadn’t died before I got a chance to tell him off.”

“I have to go take care of this,” Ichigo said, not wanting to do anything of it, but knowing he had to do it for his sisters.

Renji came with him and they made their way to the same police station that his father had been taken. Ichigo stood outside the door and wanted to run away again but Renji took his hand.

“I’m with you.”

Ichigo swallowed and pushed open the door. He went to the front desk and saw there was an officer there.

“Can I help you?” the officer asked.

“Um, yeah, I think I was listed as a missing person and I needed to deal with it,” he said, still clinging to Renji’s hand. “The officer on my case was named Yana.”

The desk officer looked up at him and nodded, grabbing the phone. “Give me Yana. Yeah, your missing vic just showed up. Yup. He’s not alone. Okay.”

He hung up the phone and looked at him. “She’ll be up to get you.”

Ichigo couldn’t let go of Renji’s hand and when he saw Yana he flinched. Renji sqeezed his hand again and Ichigo looked at him, eyes flickering between him and the female officer that he’d dealt with.

“Ichigo. I’m glad you returned. We have some questions for you.” She waved him past the desk and took him toward one of the interview rooms. “Ichigo, this is Hanjin, he did the interview with your father before he died. If your friend can wait…”

“I want him to come with me,” Ichigo said as he stared at the cold, empty looking room. He couldn’t do this without him there. “Please.”

Yana nodded. “Alright, he can stay with you.”

Ichigo sat down on one side of the table and Hanjin sat on the other. Yana sat down and gave him a soft smile. “Now this will be recorded and added to the file. Obviously, since your father passed away, there is no open case and this is a formality. Where have you been for the last three and a half months?”

“W-with Renji. I w -was staying with him. I think the shock was too much and I just couldn’t handle it, so I had to get away,” Ichigo said with a glance at Renji. He still clung to his hand tightly.

“Alright, now we have a full confession on record from your father. In your own words, I’d like you to tell me what he did.”

Ichigo swallowed and knew that even Renji wouldn’t know the details he was about to reveal. “When I was ten, he hit me the first time. Then when I was thirteen, he caught me with a rather racy manga and asked if that’s what I wanted to happen. I didn’t, but I was thirteen and getting into exploring sex and stuff, but he decided to do _that_ the first time. He apologized afterward and it took a while before he did something again. The drugs he took made it worse, and when he was high was the only time I was scared. He knew that he only had to mention my sisters for me to go along with whatever he said. I just wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt them.”

“Why did you run away after your father died?” Hanjin now asked, tapping a pen on the desk.

“I was in shock, like I said, because he was my father and I loved him and he was dead now, and I felt like it was my fault, like I had killed him myself,” Ichigo said as he fought the urge to get up and leave.

“Let the record show we have written journal entries from the victim about events that took place. Hospital records confirm long term abuse of both a physical and sexual nature.” Hanjin stated and looked at Yana to see if she had anything else.

“Ichigo, do you want to see a counselor?” she asked gently. “I know that you’ve been with your friend, but I think it might be good if you talked to the psychiatrist that works with us.”

“I don’t need to see anyone,” Ichigo shook his head, wanting this to take as little time as possible.

“Ichi, I think it might be a good idea,” Renji said with a squeeze of his hand. “You can come back and see them each week.”

Ichigo could tell this was one of those things that Renji and Byakuya were going to tell him he needed to do. “O-okay. I guess I could see them.”

“She’s a very good therapist, and I think she can help you accept a lot of what happened to you as well as your father’s unexpected death,” she told him as she stood up. “Come with me, and I’ll take you to meet her. She’s in the office here today for another reason but she’ll take time to talk with you.”

Ichigo nodded and stood up, following behind her nervously. He wasn’t about to let go of Renji’s hand, though. No matter what, he needed a tether right now, and Renji was the only thing that was keeping him grounded and stopping him from bolting. She led them through the front to a small office off to the side. She knocked on the door.

“Enter,” came a female voice from inside.

“Dr. Tani Hirayama, I was wondering if you could talk to someone from one of my cases,” Yana said as she opened the door.

“Of course, I was getting ready to head back to the office, but I haven’t got appointments today,” Dr. Hirayama said as she looked up to see Ichigo nervously standing there with Renji. She was a short woman with long black hair put up on top of her head. She wore glasses and had dark brown eyes that reflected intelligence.

“This is Ichigo Kurosaki from the…”

“I know the case. I was told you were missing.”

Ichigo nodded. “I came back because my sisters were suffering with me gone like that. So I thought I’d come and sort things out before something happened to them.”

“Who is your friend?” she asked as Yana left, closing the door behind her. Ichigo glanced at the closed door and back to the doctor.

“This is Renji.” Ichigo didn’t explain any further, but he clutched at his hand harder than before.

“You and Renji have a relationship?” she asked, pushing her glasses up her nose thoughtfully.

“S-sort of, I guess, you can’t tell anyone anything I tell you, can you?” Ichigo asked with trepidation.

“I can’t, I’m a therapist not a police officer. Everything you say to me is confidential. I’ve worked with many people in your situation. Now, please, sit down and we’ll chat just for a little while.”

Ichigo and Renji noticed there were two chairs by the wall and one behind the desk. They both sat down near the wall and Dr. Hirayama sat down behind the desk.

“I understand from the case that you were a survivor of long term abuse. Can you tell me about why you came to see me?” she asked.

“Um, Yana said I sh-should,” he said nervously. “And Renji agreed.”

Dr. Hirayama looked at Renji and nodded. “That’s good, as I’m sure you could use someone to talk to that can help you work through all the emotions you have right now. How is your grieving for your father’s death coming?”

“I feel like I’m at fault for him dying, even though I know I didn’t kill him,” Ichigo started. “I think that if I hadn’t gone to the hospital the first place, no one would have ever found out and he’d still be alive.”

“But you’d also still be under his influence.”

“I didn’t mind that, in fact I counted on him being able to tell me what to do sometimes, and now it feels weird not to have that in my life,” Ichigo spoke as his fingers began twining in Renji’s and he stared at the ground.

“You loved your father very much,” she observed.

“Of course, I did!” Ichigo said and looked up at her. “He was my father. I loved him like anyone would love a parent, you know. I just had a different relationship than most people. He had videos, though, that he would show me, that were like us, and I thought it was okay then because there were others out there like me. It was how he showed he loved me enough to give me the attention.”

Dr. Hirayama nodded. “I’m sure any attention felt nice in your situation, even though it was abusive attention.”

“He hurt me but I could take it,” Ichigo said. “I could handle being the target of his anger and frustration because I got my mother killed.”

“Wasn’t your mother killed in a mugging?” she asked with a tilt of her head.

“Yeah, but if I hadn’t been there, it wouldn’t have happened, and he didn’t let me forget that fact,” Ichigo felt a little angry at that part all of a sudden.

“You sound upset that he blamed you. You loved your mother a lot too.”

“He always said I was a mama’s boy, a baby, because I cried so much, and only she could soothe me. I remember just feeling safe with her, and no one else. Maybe I knew something was wrong with him the whole time.” Ichigo pulled Renji’s hand over into his lap and squeezed it between both his hands.

“You havne’t spoken at all about the sexual abuse, and seem to avoid talking about it.”

Ichigo shifted uncomfortably and nodded. “I don’t want to talk about that part.”

“It is going to be a part of the healing process to confront it, as hard as that will be,” she said and took off her glasses as she spoke.

“I know, but…but…I’m okay there now.”

“What do you mean?” she wondered, tilting her head to the side again, glancing at Renji.

“I mean, I don’t have any problems with sex stuff.”

“Ichigo…” Renji said from beside him. “You’re leaving off what you did a couple days ago.”

“I don’t need to worry about it, it’s okay now,” Ichigo muttered and ducked his head.

“What did you do, Ichigo?” she asked him, her dark eyes seeming to pull the information to the surface of his mind.

He spoke before he thought. “I tried to get a friend to…to…take me roughly.”

“That’s an understatement. He tried to trick a friend into raping him.” Renji arched a brow at Ichigo.

Ichigo shifted again. “I don’t like you putting it that way.”

“It is what happened.” Renji wasn’t going to let him off the hook.

“How would you put it, Ichigo? What happened?” the doctor asked with a look on her face that didn’t have judgement in it.

Ichigo sighed. “I had told him that I was going to play a game and say no when we got alone. I told him I wanted him to take it from me and that it was just a game. When it started, I didn’t want to do it anymore, and he kept going like I’d told him. Then Renji intervened and…” he stopped and didn’t know what to say then. Then he went back and got my first blow job from the guy sitting next to him?

“Are you in a sexual relationship with Renji, Ichigo?” she asked.

“I don’t think that matters…” Ichigo said and wondered why she was so insistant on talking about it.

“Ichigo, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this and some people engage in risky sexual behaviors. I think with what you tried to do to this other friend of yours that you might be at risk for doing that. However, if you have a relationship that keeps you from going to others and having casual sex and possibly dangerous sexual encounters…”

“Okay, okay, yes,” Ichigo said and sighed. He swallowed. “Is that enough about that?”

“There’s something you’re not telling me about this relationship.” She picked up her glasses and put them back on.

“Um, there’s a third in our relationship, and he’s older,” Ichigo admitted, not knowing why she could get this information out of him.

“I see. How does this three person relationship make you feel?”

“Like they’re going to figure out I’m worthless and send me away,” Ichigo admitted.

Renji turned to him and put his arm around his shoulders. “We’d never do something like that. We told you we wanted you and we’re not going to back out of that.”

The therapist smiled. “You don’t have a very high value on your self-worth, and that is not unusual for someone that’s been a survivor of child sexual abuse. I want you to know that what you are feeling isn’t unusual, Ichigo. And you’re a survivor, not a victim. You need to frame it that way so that you can understand that you are going on. Your father shouldn’t have ever touched or hit you.”

“But I got to where I wanted it, isn’t that messed up?” Ichigo told her.

“You were being told you wanted it. You were in no way able to consent at the age thirteen. You were a child.”

Ichigo swallowed, not sure he understood the way she was talking about this. But if he wasn’t the only one, maybe it wasn’t so wrong to feel the way he did. “I miss him,” he said and felt tears come to his eyes. “I miss him and that’s messed up. I should be glad he’s gone.”

“What you’ve gone through is horrific, and you need to understand it is okay to miss your father and to have loved him despite what he did to you. Those feelings are normal and may stay around. Or they may fade and you may become angry. There is no right way to feel.”

Ichigo nodded and wiped the tears away. “I think I understand.”

“I’d like to see you once a week,” she said as she pulled out a card from her pocket and wrote down a time and date a week from then. “I must get back to my office. I have a number on there and if you need anything at all before you visit, just call me.”

Ichigo and Renji got up and bowed to her before they headed out of the small office and out into the main room. He felt eyes on him immediately as Yana came back over to escort them out.

“You think he ran away because he was guilty?” he heard a low voice say.

“Why else would he run away and only now come back. There’s no way Dr. Kurosaki did what they said. I think he made it up.”

“But they got a confession from the man himself…”

“Who knows maybe he confessed to keep up the illusion and protect the boy.”

“And the rape kit they took?” a new voice.

“Mistake in processing when they rushed it through.”

“I think he probably enjoyed what happened and that’s why. Consenssual is possible.”  

Ichigo wouldn’t have heard it if he was a normal human but now that he had, he heard whispered conversations all around him. There was a second thought in his brain that he had imagined everything. Yana was talking to him and he missed what she said.

“What is it?” he asked again.

“I said to call me if you need anything,” she said as Renji and Ichigo left the police station.

“There, now you’ve settled things here until next week,” Renji said with a smile as he took his hand and squeezed it.

Ichigo’s head was a mess though. He kept thinking about how people thought he was lying and that he’d made it all up. There was so much happening in his head right then. “Let’s go see my sisters again.”

They made their way back to Urahara’s place and found both girls waiting for him. “How did it go?” Karin asked.

“As expected,” Ichigo muttered, feeling doubtful about many things now.

“He’s going to come back once a week to see a therapist, and Kon can take over the rest of the time,” Renji said, getting a glare from both girls.

Urahara sighed. “I think it is time to let Karin and Yuzu in on the truth about everyone. You head back, I’ll handle talking to them.”

Renji nodded, going to the back room to deposit his Gigai and Ichigo’s body in the room in the back. As they stepped through the senkaimon, Ichigo kept thinking about what he’d heard. There was no way a normal human would have heard what they said. What if Byakuya and Renji thought the same thing? What if they felt like he had lied or wanted what happened? He didn’t want them to get disgusted with him, especially now that Renji had heard more. He knew what he needed to do to make sure he wasn’t left alone. He had to be a really good boy.


	9. Stuttering Air

 

By the time they were back in Soul Society, it was already evening. They had used the Kuchiki senkaimon to be easier. As they came into the manor, they found Byakuya seated in the front room reading.

“I thought you were going to stay several days,” he stated.

“Well, I have to go back in a week so I thought I’d come back. Urahara is handling explaining things to the girls. I have a therapist that wants to see me each week. Other than that, Kon should be able to handle things in my life for now,” Ichigo explained, still clutching Renji’s hand.

“Did something happen?” Byakuya was far more perceptive than Ichigo would have liked.

“Just talking about things, I think I’m going to sleep early; I’m a little exhausted,” he said and finally let go of Renji’s hand.

He headed to the room he had been given and flopped onto the futon. He had to think about how he was going to be a good boy for Byakuya and Renji. He liked the attention he’d been getting, and he didn’t want them to decide that he was worthless all of a sudden. Or rather, in his mind, they would realize how worthless he was. He thought it was only a matter of time. He had to do what they wanted, what would make them happy. He thought that Renji liked it when he sucked him off, so maybe he could do that more for him. He wasn’t sure what Byakuya liked, except for the obvious one encounter. Perhaps he should have gone to bed with them tonight, just to make sure they got anything they wanted.

Exhaustion won out, though and he soon drifted into sleep, although a fitful one of dreams.

-o-

There was his father, just outside his reach, with his back turned and walking away.

_I don’t need you anymore._

“Pop, please, wait!” he screamed and tried to run after him, but no matter how fast he ran, he couldn’t get any closer to him. “Stop! I’m sorry! Everything is my fault, I caused all of this by doing something stupid like going to the hospital. You told me never to do that, and I did it anyway and now I’ve killed you!”

His father stopped but Ichigo couldn’t move, held back by something. He turned around and his eyes were glowing red. _Stupid boy. You aren’t a good boy._

“No, I’m a good boy, I can be!” he sobbed, still unable to move toward him.

_They’ll figure out how worthless you are. They’ll abandon you. They’ll take their love and affection elsewhere. They don’t need you, they have each other._

“Please, I’ll do anything,” he screamed at the figure who was and wasn’t his father.

_Your mother died for nothing. You are nothing. You’ll never be more than a nothing._

Ichigo’s eyes were full of tears so much he couldn’t see but he also couldn’t cry those tears. “Please, I love you!”

_Love isn’t for you, monster._

Ichigo choked back a sob and felt those words heavy in his stomach. Love? He’d been in an arrangement with Byakuya and Renji a couple days, there was no love there. It was about sex and them making sure Ichigo didn’t go to others. The therapist had said so too. Risky behavior sometimes happened to people like him.

_Other people are victims. You aren’t a victim. You wanted what happened and you even enjoyed it._

“I’m not a monster,” he whispered, heart aching. “I’m not.”

_You are a monster. They’ll figure it out eventually._

Ichigo’s eyes spilled over, and he felt like he would never stop crying as his father walked away again. He was still rooted to the spot, reaching out but unable to touch him.

_Monsters have to be good boys._

-o-

Ichigo came awake with a start, sitting up and putting a hand to his chest. His heart was pounding and his face was wet. He looked over and saw the stuffed panda Rukia had left. He grabbed it and held it tightly. He was so scared right then. When would they find out that he was a monster? He couldn’t let them, he had to be a good boy for them. That was the only answer. Being a good boy made his father happy, so he would have to do it again for them. The monster he was was something he had to hide.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

“What do you make of the trip to the World of the Living?” Byakuya asked as Renji watched Ichigo disappear to his own room.

“I don’t know. He’s been quiet since we left the police station. ‘Kuya, he was thirteen and thinks that he agreed to it. How did he hide it from everyone?” Renji said as he sat down on the sofa beside Byakuya.

Byakuya was worried about the way Ichigo was acting. “What happened?”

“We met with his sisters, then went to the police station. He had to tell them what happened in a statement I think they called it, then he saw a therapist who wants to talk with him weekly from now on. He said some things in there, and I don’t know what to think. He really believes that he deserved the treatment he got.”

“We’ll help him through it, no matter what it takes. We entered into this with one intention and that was to help him. If the physical need are too much, we satisfy them, if the emotional ones are too much, we satisfy them as well. We can only do what we must.” Byakuya wondered why Ichigo had gone to his own bed even though the last two nights he stayed with them. Perhaps he needed to be alone.

The next morning, Ichigo came out for breakfast, but again was quiet. “Did you sleep well?” Byakuya asked.

“Okay, I thought I was too tired to sleep but I managed,” Ichigo said with a wan smile. He was picking at his food, Byakuya noted. Renji came out a few minutes later and grabbed a piece of fruit.

“I’m heading over to the division, see you guys there,” he said as he munched the fruit.

“You’ll be coming to train with us today,” Byakuya said in a stoic voice.

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Ichigo answered, perhaps a bit too quickly.

“Is there something wrong today?” Byakuya asked with a frown.

“No, I’m fine,” he said and Byakuya caught a shade of sadness in his voice. Something was off and he was going to have to be wary of it. With everything he’d gone through, any change in behavior was alarming.

“When you are done with breakfast, we’ll join Renji at the sixth. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Byakuya said as he went to retrieve his Zanpakutō from the weapons rack. He noticed that Ichigo looked like he hadn’t slept well, so he would keep his training to a minimum today.

When he returned, he found Ichigo hadn’t eaten much more but was sitting still waiting for him. Byakuya sighed, wondering what was going on in his head. He would be so much easier to deal with if he just talked about what was going on. He supposed that was a lot to ask, though.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“Sure,” Ichigo responded, Byakuya thought a tad too quickly.

Byakuya led him out and they walked to the sixth. Ichigo stayed behind him, he noticed. He led him to the training area where sixth division people were already working on training under Renji’s direction.

“Ichigo, why don’t you join up with the ranks and do some training,” Byakuya said and headed into the building.

Byakuya got to his office and sat down, glancing over at the mountain of paperwork on Renji’s desk and smirked. He’d be a while getting that done. He hoped that Ichigo did well with the training session outside. After a couple hours, he heard the door open and Renji came in. He glared at the stack of paperwork and muttered “Ichigo owes me,” under his breath as he sat down and got to work.

“Did Ichigo do well?” Byakuya asked as Renji started working.

“Oh, yeah, he was doing fine. I left him with them to work on some sword techniques. You can tell he’s been at the eleventh, he’s all power and no style right now. I think he could do quite beautiful sword work given some time and training.”

“You certain leaving him alone is a good idea?” Byakuya asked, looking up at the window. He could just see him sparring with another seated member.

“He’ll be fine, after all, he does need the work on style,” Renji commented.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo was sure he was going to screw up as he sparred with one of the seated officers. Things were different here than the eleventh. There was more emphasis on technique and style rather than just all out power. He’d never received formal training beyond what Urahara had given him, so this was new and interesting. He picked up the skills quickly, he thought, until he heard someone comment about how bad his form was to someone else. Great, he couldn’t even get this right, he thought to himself.

By the time it was lunch, he realized he had no idea where to go for food. He figured that he would ask Renji or Byakuya. He was nearly to the office when someone put an arm around his shoulder. He blinked and looked at the strange person.

“What do you need?” he said, feeling somewhat nervous at this strange person touching him.

“I heard you had a tryst with Ikkaku from the eleventh. Was wondering if that was an open door or just special for him.” The man was not one of the seated officers and was rather tall, at least three or four inches taller than Ichigo, with blonde hair and light blue eyes.

“Um, it wasn’t like that, I’m friends with Ikkaku.”

“No, see, a friend of mine swears he saw you going into one of the empty barracks over there with him. There’s no reason for you to do that unless it was to hook up. I can’t see Ikkaku as anything but a top, so that means you…aren’t a top…” he leaned in closer. “And I think you like it rough, too, otherwise you wouldn’t go with someone like Ikkaku. Now, I can keep it to myself, or I can help spread a rumor or two, now wouldn’t that be too bad?”

Ichigo gasped. “What? Are you actually blackmailing me?”

“Well, it sure isn’t just asking politely, now is it?” he said. “I’m interested in the most powerful Shinigami who defeated Aizen, wouldn’t that be a notch in the bedpost for me…”

“I don’t…I mean, no!” Ichigo reached up and pushed his arm off of him. “I’m not going to do something with you just because you’re threatening to spread rumors about me. No one would believe them, and if Bya-Kuchiki-taichou heard about it you would be in trouble. And how do I know you won’t do it anyway if I did do something with you?”

“Now why would the taichou care about rumors? Think about it. I’ll wait a little while, but then, people are going to find out what kind of man you are, or aren’t.” He put a hand on Ichigo’s shoulder and smirked. “I won’t tell a soul, promise, just be a good boy for me.”

At the words, Ichigo felt his heart hammer and he wondered if he was making a mistake by turning this guy down. He, for just a moment, stepped toward him, looking lost and feeling alone.

“I-I am not doing anything with you.” He swallowed hard and wondered if he was making the right choice.

“I’ll let you think on it. Tick-tock, I’ll be waiting at the ramen place you went to before tonight. Yeah, my friend was there too. He was a little drunk and followed you. Now, just do what you know is right and accept my offer. I can do more than that for you.”

He turned and left Ichigo standing dumbfounded. He just threatened to spread rumors about him if he didn’t have sex with him. He couldn’t believe this. He was definitely being punished for his attempt with Ikkaku because now someone had seen them going into the empty barracks. That was a problem. He licked his lips and wondered how he was going to get out of this without having to give some stranger Shinigami a blow job or something. It wasn’t like he couldn’t do it, but he didn’t want to do it with anyone except Byakuya and Renji. He shook his head, wondering what harm a few rumors would cause him.

He knocked on the office door and heard Byakuya say to enter. He opened it and went in, seeing Renji behind a literal mountain of paperwork. He hadn’t been kidding when he said he’d have a lot to do. Ichigo still wondered what payback he would have to offer to him.

“I wasn’t sure how lunch worked,” he said timidly as he stood just inside the doorway.

“I’ll have something brought to us,” he said as he got up to go to the door.

Ichigo guessed he was going to tell someone to bring them food. He went and sat down on a sofa that was in the middle of the office. He felt out of place in the sixth division, but what could he do? He needed to listen to Byakuya and Renji. He needed to be near them just in case he could do something for one of them. He was still thinking about the threat and wondering if he should tell Renji and Byakuya when there was a knock at the door. A low ranking shinigami brought in a tray and sat it on Byakuya’s desk.

“Will that be all, Kuchiki-taichou?” the short, young Shinigami asked.

“That’s it,” Byakuya responded, waving his hand to dismiss the young man.

“What did they bring up today…” Renji said as he looked over the three boxes that had been brought to them. “Looks like someone got creative with the bento boxes…”

Renji took one and grabbed a second. He went over where Ichigo was sitting and handed it to him with a smile. “Here you go, ‘Kuya eats over at his desk, so do I usually but today I’ll sit with you.”

Ichigo nodded, feeling his cheeks heat at Renji’s closeness. He felt like a school girl around them. He started picking at the bento without really eating much of it. His stomach was twisted into knots over the encounter with the other Shinigami.

“You need to eat if you’re gonna finish the day,” Renji said as he was half done with his box.

“Oh, okay,” Ichigo said and started eating little bits.

Renji finished his and then looked at Ichigo where he was studiously not eating much of it and just moving his food around.

“Gimme that,” Renji snapped and took the bento from him.

Ichigo gasped a little and looked at him. He took his chopsticks and picked up some food and held it up to Ichigo’s mouth. “If ya aren’t gonna eat, I’ll feed it to ya.”

Ichigo flushed and let Renji feed him from the bento he was now holding. For some reason, it felt nice to be getting the attention.

“You’re going to spoil him,” Byakuya said from his desk. “Then what will you do with a spoiled brat?”

“I don’t think Ichigo could be a brat, Taichou. I think he can take a little spoiling now and then,” he stated as he fed Ichigo the rest of the food from the box.

Ichigo had no choice but to eat it because that’s what Renji wanted him to do. He knew he should have eaten on his own, but there was something incredibly intimate about being fed by Renji. He felt like they’d shared a moment.

Renji leaned in after he’d set the bento boxes aside and touched Ichigo’s lips lightly with a finger tip. “Do I get somethin’ for feedin’ ya?”

Ichigo guessed he wanted a kiss, so he leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. Renji though had other ideas and took the opportunity to pull him close and lick the seam of his mouth. Ichigo opened and let him inside and they spent the next few minutes in a slow kiss that Ichigo was beginning to worry someone would catch them.

“I swear, you young ones,” Byakuya said with a sigh. “Don’t sit there all day, you still have work to do, Abarai.”

“Alright, alright,” Renji said as he broke contact with Ichigo and smirked. “We’ll continue that later back at the manor.”

Ichigo nodded, not sure how to feel as he watched Renji go back to his desk and the paperwork. He wondered what he should do. If he went out to the training ground again, he might run into the Shinigami who threatened him. He didn’t know for sure, though, if he could stay in here. It wasn’t like he was an actual member of the Gotei 13.

Finally, Byakuya looked over. “Are you going to train with the group this afternoon, or are you exhausted for the day?”

Ichigo stood up quickly, swallowing and nodding at Byakuya. “I’ll go train some more. I could use the practice on form and swordplay. I…I was never taught much about sword work and I kind of suck at it.”

“You’ll improve. The members of the division that are out there this afternoon are some younger ones, so they might be closer to your current skill level,” Byakuya said. “Renji, why don’t you take him and introduce him to the group.”

“Alright,” Renji said and stood up. “Well, come on then.”

Ichigo followed behind him out to the training field. Thankfully, he didn’t see the Shinigami that had approached him. Renji talked to the seated officer in charge of training and then came back to Ichigo.

“You don’t push yourself too hard. If you start to feel exhausted, stop and come back to the office,” Renji told him with a serious look. “I don’t want any other trips to the fourth because you didn’t listen to your limits.”

“Okay, I will,” Ichigo nodded again, and he hoped that he was doing the right things so far.

Ichigo trained the rest of the day, finding this group much closer to his skill level with form and swordplay. The seated officer even commended him for his improvement just during their short training session. He went in and found Renji and Byakuya still doing paperwork.

“Done?” Renji asked as he put down a paper.

“Yeah, he dismissed everyone,” he told him.

“Taichou, are you done for the night yet?” Renji asked, standing up and stretching his arms over his head. His mountain of paperwork was significantly smaller now.

“Yes, I believe so. Let’s return for dinner. Rukia is coming by tonight to have dinner with us, and I thought it might be a good idea to let her know how you’re doing,” Byakuya spoke as he stood up.

Ichigo again followed behind them. Renji walked beside Byakuya and they were silent all the way back to the manor. Ichigo went to the bath first, feeling grimy after training outside most of the day. Renji didn’t follow him this time and for that he was glad. He needed a little time to himself after being around everyone all day. Still he worried over what that guy had said. He wasn’t going to meet him, that was for sure. He would just have to worry about him making good on his threat to start rumors about him. He didn’t know what effect it would have on things, but he couldn’t imagine rumors being something that spread far in a place like the sixth division.

He got out of the bath and put on a yukata but realized he had no idea where to put his shihakuso. He took it to his room and put it away with Zangetsu. He headed to the dining room to find Rukia already there. He smiled at her as she got up and hugged him.

“I’m glad you’re doing better,” she told him. “Nii-sama said that you trained with the sixth today. How did you like it?”

“Well, at first I felt out of place since I don’t know much about actual form and style with swords, but by this afternoon, the officer that was running the training said I was improving. It’s a lot different than just swinging as hard as you can and trying to overpower your opponent,” Ichigo explained as they both sat down at the table.

The dinner went well, mostly with idle chatter about what was happening in both divisions. Ichigo didn’t talk a lot, and picked at his food until he saw Renji glaring at him. He figured he better eat properly or he’d be in trouble with Renji, and he didn’t want that.

_Good boys do what they’re told._

He could do what he was told. That was easy, and so far today had gone well, except for the blackmailing situation. He still debated telling Byakuya about it. He didn’t even know the name of the shinigami. He couldn’t though, it was embarrassing. And what could Byakuya do about it anyway? He couldn’t stop the guy from talking. He put it out of his mind for now. He’d deal with it tomorrow. Right now, he was going to have to see what was expected of him.

Byakuya had the dishes cleared and chatted with Rukia about a few things before she said she needed to go to the barracks for the night. Renji got up and came around, putting his hands on Ichigo’s shoulders.

“Did ya wanna continue what we started in the office?” he asked.

He swallowed and nodded. Renji took his hand and led him to the bedroom. Ichigo barely got in the room before Renji was on him, hands roaming all over. He was shocked a little at the suddenness of the attention, but soon he was locked in a kiss with him again. He felt the obi come of and Renji pushed the yukata off his shoulders, trying not to break the kiss as he did it. It wasn’t completely successful, but he tried.

“Ah, where’s Byakuya?” Ichigo breathed realizing they were alone.

“He’ll be along, he has clan head things to do,” Renji said as he steered him to the futon and pushed him down on his back. Ichigo blinked as he crawled up beside him and started to suck on one of his nipples.

Ichigo jerked, not sure if he liked that sensation, but then it felt kind of nice and he was getting that heady feeling. He felt Renji slide his hand down and start stroking him with agonizing slowness while he licked and sucked at his nipples, one after the other. He arched as Renji’s hand slipped underneath and began to slide fingers into him.

“I think you might get to the point you don’t need much prep,” Renji noted as he twisted two fingers into him, searching for his prostate. Ichigo gasped and felt a rush to his cock. “We keep doing this enough, you’ll get used to it,” he breathed as he stretched him out, taking his time and teasing him in the front as he did it. “I’d take more time, but I’m impatient today.”

Ichigo nodded, gasping as he worked a third finger into him. He gasped and felt something he didn’t understand rush through him. He was being a good boy. Renji would think he was a good boy if he just let him do whatever he wanted even if he didn’t like it. So far, Renji wasn’t doing anything he didn’t like, so that was easy.

Renji moved up between his legs, rubbing against him for a few seconds before he reached in the yukata’s pocket and pulled out a small jar. He opened it and it smelled fragrant. He dipped a finger in and then coated himself with it, looking down with hooded eyes. He adjusted and pressed into him. Ichigo arched a little but it didn’t hurt at all. He was thicker than Byakuya, and both were bigger… He pushed the thoughts away again. He didn’t want them right now as Renji slowly slid in and of him while looking down on him with those dark eyes.

Ichigo felt he was close and he wondered how long he needed to hold on to make Renji happy. He gasped out, “I’m close, don’t move so fast.”

Renji slowed down even more and smirked at him. “We don’t want to end too fast, do we?”

Ichigo shook his head and moaned as Renji slid right against his sweet spot. Ichigo heard the door open and close and saw Byakuya had come in. He came over and sat down on the futon beside Ichigo and Renji. He leaned over and ran his hand over Ichigo’s head as he looked down into his eyes. “How’s Renji, Ichigo?”

“Good, good,” he gasped as Renji reached down and grabbed the base of Ichigo’s cock just as he was about to crest. Ichigo whined, tears springing to his eyes as Byakuya continued to stroke his hair.

“There, now, you want to come?” Byakuya asked as Renji held him with one hand and worked in and out faster.

“P-please!” he begged as he felt another wave of pleasure build to a point of crashing into him again. Renji let go of him and he nearly yelled as he came, clamping down on Renji. Renji gasped and couldn’t hold on any longer as he fell down the pleasant crest, thrusting shallowly a couple times until he came.

Ichigo panted as Renji moved to pull out but then leaned down to kiss him, slowly exploring Ichigo’s mouth as he laid down on the futon beside him.

“Well, there you’ve had your fun, I need to sleep, so clean up your mess,” Byakuya said as he stood up.

Renji stopped kissing Ichigo long enough to stick his tongue out at Byakuya’s back before he resumed kissing him. He the got up and got the wash cloth to clean them both off.

“You okay?” Renji asked as he wiped Ichigo’s belly with the warm cloth.

“Yeah, great,” Ichigo said with a smile Renji thought looked fake.

“Are you sure? Did something happen today?” Renji wondered at why Ichigo was acting off. He glanced over to Byakuya to see him listening. “Something did happen, what was it?” Renji propped himself up on one arm and looked down at Ichigo.

“It was nothing important…” he started.

“Yes, what is it?” Byakuya said as Ichigo got up and fixed the yukata with his back toward both of them. “You’ve been acting somewhat of since lunchtime.”

Ichigo didn’t want to tell them, but how could he not, now? “Just, this guy came up to me and said that he knew about what happened with Ikkaku, that his friend had followed us that night, and he said he was going to tell people if I didn’t do what he wanted…”

“And what did he want?” Renji asked.

“You know…” Ichigo said and looked away. “I told him no, that wasn’t going to happen.”

“This may be a problem,” Byakuya sighed. “Depending on who it is and what exactly he says. Did he say when he was going to tell people about it?”

“He said to meet him tonight at the ramen place I met Ikkaku at.”

“Rumors go through the Serietei like a virus,” Byakuya muttered with a sigh. “You should have told me right away. Can you point him out if you see him again?”

“If I see him. He was taller than me with blond hair and blue eyes. Other than that, he looked like the rest of the Shinigami.”

“I don’t know who that is off hand,” Renji said with a frown.

“I’m sure he won’t do anything, what good would it do him?” Ichigo said and sat back down on the futon.

Of course, the rumors would have more of an effect than any of them realized.


	10. Breathing Lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have a break before the next set of updates!

 

The next morning, Ichigo woke once again nestled between Byakuya and Renji. He was happy and warm. He smiled to himself. He was being a good boy. He would continue to be a good boy and do whatever Byakuya and Renji wanted him to do, no matter what it was. He’d go to the therapy appointments in the World of the Living, train with the sixth, whatever it took.

“Morning,” Renji said with a smirk from beside him.

“Hi,” Ichigo said, still getting used to being so close to Renji and Byakuya.

“You feel okay after last night? You aren’t sore or anything are you?” Renji asked, reaching up to run his hand over Ichigo’s head.

Ichigo felt his face heat up and he nodded. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure that there isn’t anything you want to talk about?” Renji asked as he touched his face.

“I just…I feel better after I became involved with you two. I think it clears my head and gives me something to hold on to,” Ichigo told him, reaching out and touching Renji’s face.

“That’s good,” Renji said with a wide smile.

“I needed a tether,” Ichigo went on. “Something to moor me in place.”

“I’m glad that we’re helping. We were worried that it wouldn’t help but would hurt you instead.” Renji threaded his fingers through Ichigo’s hair.

“Of course, you’re helping. I needed to do this kind of stuff. You heard that therapist. She said that it wasn’t unusual to engage in risky behaviors. I’d certainly call what I did to Ikkaku risky…”

“True. But what do you need from us now?” Renji asked as he leaned closer to kiss his lip gently. “I think you like things like kissing and cuddling, don’t ya?”

“Its different. Sex was something inevitable, and something out of my control, and now it is within my control and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like I’m going to do something wrong,” Ichigo murmured, leaning into Renji again. He kissed his lips again and then felt Byakuya move behind him.

“Morning, ‘Kuya,” Renji said and sat up.

“Good morning, did you two sleep well last night?” he asked, getting up to begin getting ready.

“I did,” Renji stated as he continued to play with Ichigo’s hair.

“Um, so did I…” Ichigo told him in an unsure tone.

“Good, see you at breakfast,” he said and left them.

Ichigo looked at Renji. “What do his servants think of you and me being in his room?”

“Nothing to it, they know to keep their mouths closed,” Renji responded, sitting up and stretching his arms over his head. Ichigo was fascinated by his tattoos and reached out to touch them on his side since he hadn’t redressed after last night.

Renji just smiled and covered Ichigo’s hand with his. “Come on, another day of work for us. You training with the division again or no?”

“I’ll go.” Ichigo got up and left to get his shihakuso.

As he was dressing, he started to wonder what the day would hold for him. Would that man make good on his threat? Would it matter what rumors were started about him? Byakuya seemed to be a little concerned so there had to be something to the idea that there could be damaging things he said. He went into the dining room to find Byakuya already seated. He supposed that he would start his day.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Karin sighed with exasperation. Now that she knew he wasn’t her brother, she noticed all the differences between them.

“Karin,” Kon said from the tea room. “Would you like tea?”

She went into the tea room and saw that Yuzu was seated and Kon was working on setting out tea.

“I still can’t believe you were in that stuffed lion the whole time,” Yuzu said with amazement as she watched Kon set out tea cups.

“Well, not all the time,” he said as he poured the tea for Yuzu. “I was in this body for part of the time.”

“It explains why Ichigo did weird things sometimes, because it wasn’t him, it was you,” Karin said as she sat down.

“Yeah, no matter how hard I try, I’m not him,” Kon expressed as he passed the tea to Karin. “But I’ve always cared for you two, even as a plushy.”

“I can’t imagine how weird being that stuffed lion is when you otherwise are in Ichigo’s body…” Yuzu said as she sipped the tea.

“How have things gone, Kon?” Urahara asked as he came in to the tea room.

“I haven’t really left the shoten yet…” he admitted.

“You should get out and go shopping, then,” Urahara said and handed him a list. Kon sighed and nodded, getting up to go to the market.

He walked there slowly, not seeing anyone on the way really. When he got there, he felt eyes on him. He wondered why the cashier was staring at him so hard. He swallowed and got a basket to gather the things on the list. He was almost done when he heard someone call his name. He turned and saw it was Keigo and his sister.

“Ichigo! I heard you were back in town!” Keigo said with a grin. “I wasn’t sure where you were staying.”

“Oh, I’m with a friend who has been taking care of the girls,” he answered, feeling Keigo’s sister’s eyes on him. He didn’t know her name.

“You want to do something this weekend?” Keigo asked.

“Sure, just give me a call,” he said and patted the cell phone in his pocket. “We can get food or something.”

Kon said good bye and finished getting the stuff on the list. He checked out and found the cashier was still staring at him oddly. He was getting uncomfortable with this, but he just had to put up with it until he paid and got out of the store. He felt other eyes on him when a couple came in and passed him. He nervously handed over the payment and quickly exited the store. He was about done with being in public today.

“Ichigo,” he heard and turned to see a police officer looking at him. Great, he had no idea who this was. She walked up to him and smiled.

“Hey, how have you been?” she asked.

“Oh, fine, you know,” Kon said with a strained smile.

“How are your sisters?” she asked him.

“Just fine, you know, just fine,” he answered and hoped she would just go away soon.

She tilted her head to the side. “You have no idea who I am.”

“Of course I do! You’re that police officer, from the police station…” he stammered.

“You’re that other soul, aren’t you? The one that takes Ichigo’s place I heard about,” she said in a low voice.

Kon looked around and nodded, wondering why and how this woman knew about the change in person.

“You have to be him because he’s in that Soul Society place still, huh?” she wondered as she kept her voice down so only Kon could hear her.

“Um, yeah, look I really need to get back to the shoten. Nice, uh, seeing you,” he said and turned on his heel and took off.

All in all, he made it through his first day in public. He didn’t like it one bit…

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

When they got to the sixth division, Ichigo knew something was off. He was being stared at and people were talking after he went by. Ichigo stayed with Renji and Byakuya as they went to the office. They didn’t seem to notice anything amiss but Ichigo could feel the eyes on him every time he walked past someone. He wondered if the threat had been followed through on when he didn’t show up at the ramen place. What could he have said? He had said something, Ichigo just knew it.

“I’ll go out to the training field,” Ichigo told Byakuya as they passed his office.

“Come in if you get exhausted,” Byakuya stated simply a he entered.

“Yeah, maybe I can get another kiss,” Renji said and landed a quick kiss on Ichigo’s lips.

Ichigo looked around and there was no one that saw it, but he still was wondering why Renji was so bold. He shook it away as he made his way to the training field. This was the same group from yesterday, so he hoped to show he’d learned something. He quickly felt the odd looks thrown his way. Still, he sparred with someone and got told his swordplay was improving by the seated officer overseeing the training. By lunch, he felt good about himself and couldn’t wait to tell Renji and Byakuya about how well he’d done compared to yesterday.

Ichigo went to pass a small group who were in the hallway outside the captain’s office when one of them grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back.

“Can I help you?” he asked, surprised.

“I just wanted to know if it was true,” one of them, with long shaggy brown hair, said from beside the one that had grabbed him.

“What’s true?” Ichigo felt his stomach clench because now he’d find out what happened to make everyone stare at him.

“We heard you spent last night with a sixth person you just met yesterday, and that you are open to anyone who wants to take a shot at you,” the one who held Ichigo’s arm still said. Ichigo looked between the two of them and the other two that were standing there.

He shook his head. “No, that’s not true. I didn’t spend the night with him. He threatened to spread rumors if I didn’t, but I was…”

“You’re lying. Why would anyone make this up? To find out the all powerful Ichigo Kurosaki that defeated Aizen is just a slut is a shock, sure, but something fun. We could have a little party to celebrate your freedom to see whoever you want, just the five of us,” one of the other two, a shorter pale Shinigami with dark eyes told him.

“Look, he made it up! I wasn’t there with him last night!” Ichigo was starting to get agitated about this situation and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Byakuya and Renji were going to be mad at him for this, he feared.

“If you weren’t with him, then where were you?” the fourth member of their little group asked. “I think you didn’t like him and told him you wouldn’t see him again and that’s why he told everyone.”

“I was at Kuchiki Manor! That’s where I’m staying, and I went back there after I left with Bya-Kuchiki-taichou and Abarai-fukutaichou.” Ichigo wasn’t lying, just leaving off the part where Renji was the one he slept with last night, not this other guy.

“Oh, so you’re saying you were with them? Why would they cover for you? If I asked one of them, what do you think they’d say?”

“The truth. Kurosaki was at my Manor yesterday evening, so that ends this rumor business,” Ichigo heard from beside him. He looked over with thankful eyes at Byakuya who stood just outside his door.

The four Shinigami bowed to him. “Taichou,” one of them said. “Yes, sir.”

“Go on to your duties and stop harassing Kurosaki about ridiculous things,” he said and waved them off with his hand. “Kurosaki, come.”

Ichigo nodded and followed Byakuya into the office, where he started to hyperventilate the moment the door closed. “What happened?” Renji asked and Ichigo felt dizzy as he slid down the back side of the door to sit on the floor.

“Seems the Shinigami that threatened Ichigo to start rumors made good on his threat and is spreading a complete fabrication of a story,” Byakuya explained.

Ichigo couldn’t take this kind of thing; everyone knowing how messed up he was. He was sure that he couldn’t go anywhere in the sixth now without these things following him. He gasped and looked at Renji.

“I shouldn’t stay in here, what if they say something about you both?” Ichigo managed as he ran hi hand through his hair.

“Nonsense. None of them would dare start rumors about their Captain,” Byakuya stated and sat down behind his desk. Ichigo saw that there were a stack of three bento boxes again.

“Here, get up and eat, you’ll feel better about this nonsense,” Renji said as he pulled Ichigo to his feet.

Ichigo nodded and allowed himself to be led to the sofa. Renji went and got two of the boxes again like he had yesterday and handed one to Ichigo. He took it without saying anything, but soon began to pick at his food worse than the day before. Renji sighed, snatching the box and feeding him once again. Ichigo tried to protest, but Renji was having none of it. When he finished the box, Ichigo let out a deep sigh and put his head in his hands.

“I didn’t need this…” he muttered.

Renji put his arm around Ichigo’s back. “Don’t worry, we’ll find this guy and punish him for starting such a rumor. What exactly did he start one about?”

“He’s saying I spent the night last night with him and that I…I’m open to others,” he felt dirty just repeating the lie.

“Well, that’s easy enough to combat. You were with us, so that squelches the lie right there,” Renji said and squeezed Ichigo tightly. “This will die down and pass by tomorrow.”

Except it didn’t. The next day, he still felt eyes on him and like people were talking about him. Still he had no idea what to do about it. He was being watched particularly closely by one of the younger Shinigami in the afternoon training, to the point he was uncomfortable. He tried to escape as soon as training was over. He lost sight of the young Shinigami that had been staring at him as he went into the building.

He was shocked when someone grabbed him by the arm and slammed him back into the back corner of the hallway. He sucked in a breath and glared at the one who had been staring all afternoon. He was a big guy, easily six inches taller than Ichigo, and broad. He smiled at him, holding his arm too tightly.

“What do you want with me, let me go,” Ichigo tried to extract his arm but this guy had a steel grip.

“See, the rumor is that you like rough treatment. So does this get you hard?” he asked, his dark brown eyes searching Ichigo’s face. Ichigo grimaced and tried to get his arm out of this guy’s grip.

“No! The rumors aren’t true! I didn’t spend the night with some guy I just met and I don’t like being treated rough!” Ichigo exclaimed, starting to get annoyed with this guy.

“He said you’d say that. He said it was a game and that if you got alone you wanted someone that would fight you for it. I could hold my own with you.” He reached up with his other hand and brushed his dark brown hair behind his ear.

“Hey, you,” came a female voice from nearby.

The hulking brute let go and turned around. There were a pair of female Shinigami standing just by them, both wearing an expression of annoyance. “What?” he growled as Ichigo rubbed his arm. He could feel a bruise already.

“I don’t think he likes you, so move on,” the other one said. She was short, but not as short as Rukia. She had her blonde hair pulled back into a tail and had an intense glare.

The guy in front of him turned and left the opposite direction leaving Ichigo to exhale deeply as the two women came up to him. The first one was tall and lanky with glasses over dark blue eyes and dark hair tie up on top of her head in a bun.

“You okay?” the shorter one asked.

“Yeah, fine,” he said and rubbed his arm. “What is it with people that don’t like the word no?”

“You’re Ichigo Kurosaki, aren’t you?” the taller of the two asked.

Ichigo nodded, giving her a smile. “I’m Kurumi Hamano,” the shorter of the two said. “And this is Ririko Sawaya. Where were you going when Matsunaga started bothering you?”

“Headed back to Kuchiki Manor where I’m staying,” he said with a sigh. “But it seems like these rumors aren’t going to die despite what I’d like.”

“I heard they were started by Arinori Higa. Higa has recently broken up with a girl in the fifth, and he has a reputation for going after powerful people in his circle. You turned him down, didn’t you?” Kurumi asked him with a gentle smile.

“Yeah, had no idea he’d really spread rumors around. I didn’t even know his name.”

“Yo, Ichigo!” he heard and looked down to see Renji standing toward the end of the hall. He didn’t see Byakuya.

“I gotta go,” he told the two women and turned to go after Renji. One of them put a hand on his shoulder.

“Be careful, Higa is a persistent man,” Ririko told him.

“That’s okay, I know his name now to tell Byakuya!” he waved to them and ran to where Renji was waiting for him.

The two women watched him go. “I sure hope he puts a stop to the rumors about him; have you heard them?” Ririko said with a sigh.

“Yeah, he was pretty vicious about what he told people. Said something that he had a rape fantasy and all that.” Kurumi brushed a hand over her head. “Someone might take that too far.”

“Yeah, no wonder Matsunaga was hassling him. Didn’t his boyfriend dump him recently?” Ririko asked as they started to walk away.

Ichigo figured he’d wait until they got back to the Manor to tell Renji about how he’d found out who it was that started the rumors. As they walked, he noted that he was being stared at still. Great, even outside the sixth, there was more spreading of the rumors. He was going to have to do something to get a handle on it.

As they got back to the Manor, Renji grabbed Ichigo to steer him and he let out a pained sound.

“What?” Renji said as he pulled up his sleeve. “What did that?”

“It was nothing, just a guy who was listening to the rumors. I guess he’s added that I like being treated rough…” Ichigo sighed. “But I found out his name from a couple girls who I was talking to. Arinori Higa.”

“I don’t know the name off the top of my head, but there’s a lot of Shinigami in the sixth. I’ll tell Kuchiki-taichou. For now, come here,” Renji said and grabbed his other arm to pull him along to Byakuya’s room.

Ichigo had spent last night with them, but they hadn’t done anything. He wondered if Renji wanted to do something now… He really wasn’t in the mood for that sort of stuff, but he wouldn’t tell Renji that. He would always be ready for them to do whatever they wanted.

“Byakuya is going to be late at a meeting, so I thought we could take a walk around by the koi pond,” Renji explained as they came to the door for the deck.

Renji took his hand and led him out to the pond. It was a pretty day and the pond was full of koi as they approached it. Ichigo smiled as he knelt down and put his hand in the pond; he felt the fish nibbling on his hand.

“They’re not scared of people,” Ichigo noted.

“Nah, these fish are used ta bein’ spoiled by everyone. I wanted to get out of the house a bit today. No one comes back here, so can I spoil you a little bit?” Renji sat down beside him.

Ichigo flushed and sat down too, looking at Renji to see what he meant by “spoiling” him. Renji took his chin and leaned in, gently licking at Ichigo’s lips until he opened his mouth. Ichigo couldn’t get enough of these sensations as Renji laid him back without letting the kiss go. Ichigo felt the grass tickling his neck and wondered what Renji was thinking, doing this in the open. But he guessed there was no one around to bother them. Renji slipped a hand under his kusodo and began to fiddle with one of his nipples as he continued to kiss his mouth and throat. Ichigo didn’t really like it when he did that but he seemed to enjoy it, so he wouldn’t say anything. He had to still be a good boy.

“I stay late and you two are rolling about outside,” they heard and Renji looked at Byakuya. He only briefly stopped kissing Ichigo’s throat.

“I’m gonna spoil him, since he likes to kiss so much,” Renji said and returned to his mouth.

Byakuya sighed. “I’m glad to no longer be the only target of you sex drive.”

“I know, I know,” Renji commented as he stopped kissing and propped himself up on one arm. “We know the name of our rumor starter, now, by the way.”

“Good, I’ll have a talk with him tomorrow,” Byakuya said as he turned and went back into his room.

“’Kuya gets frustrated with me because I wanna do things all the time even when he’s tired, so I guess he’s happy that you and I can keep each other entertained…” Renji explained with a smirk.

Ichigo smiled in return. So that was it. Renji had a higher libido than Byakuya. That’s why he was useful to them. It gave Renji someone else to get involved with. Now, he understood why he was here a little better. So, he was worth something to them. He was there to take care of Renji’s higher needs.

Renji proceeded to slide his hand further down until he was slipping fingers against him. “Outside?” Ichigo gasped.

“Outside,” Renji purred in response, sliding two fingers into him. “Like I said, no one comes back here. Besides, we don’t have to undress completely, just enough…”

Ichigo wasn’t sure about this but he wasn’t about to tell Renji no. He couldn’t do that. That wouldn’t be being a good boy for them. His only use to them was this, so he would serve that purpose.

Renji moved his fingers and sat up, pulling Ichigo with him as he continued to kiss his neck. “Like this,” Renji breathed and pulled Ichigo onto his lap. “You’ll have to take a leg out of the hakama, but that’s all.”

Ichigo nodded, leaning up as Renji untied his obi. He then slipped the hakama down and Ichigo pulled one leg out of the, leaving the other side on. He could feel Renji hard between them and he had to admit to being aroused now himself. He supposed it wasn’t so bad having an energetic partner. He moved to straddle him again, seeing he’d pulled himself free of his hakama. Ichigo saw he had the jar of fragrant oil again. The smell was cloying and strong, and he found that it stuck to him even after he bathed.

Renji stroked himself with the oil and put the jar to the side. Ichigo found that doing this from the top was different as he struggled a bit to get into position. Finally, using his hand to hold onto Renji, he managed to slip down on him. He gasped as he got down to sitting flat on Renji’s lap. He looped his arms around his neck and felt his legs go a little weak. He began rocking back and forth and found that the position seemed to put constant pressure on that spot inside him that set the world on fire.

They sat there for a while, just entwined with each other and Ichigo gently rocking back and forth, keeping Renji deep inside. It felt nice to move slowly, but Renji soon had enough of the slow pace and grabbed Ichigo’s hips hard and began to move under him. He then seemed to grow frustrated with the position and suddenly flipped them, throwing Ichigo onto his back and almost into the pond. He reached between them and stroked Ichigo as he slammed into him harder than Ichigo expected.

Ichigo couldn’t hold on much longer and felt the orgasm slam into him. He gasped and arched up under Renji who was struggling to hold on to himself. He didn’t last but a couple thrust through the tightening of Ichigo’s body as he fell down the other side. He flopped on top of Ichigo, panting.

“Move, you’re heavy!” Ichigo complained as Renji was draped over him. “Besides, you’re getting your uniform dirty!”

“S’okay,” Renji said and rolled onto his back.

Ichigo slipped his leg back into his hakama and found his obi, tying it quickly. People might not come back to the koi pond usually but he didn’t want to get caught by someone like Rukia. After all what would she think if she found out that he was doing this with her brother and Renji?

 


	11. Wind from Butterfly Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I was taking a break but this chapter wanted to be written.

Byakuya awoke the next morning to find both Renji and Ichigo fast asleep still. He smiled to himself. Renji was right about him being glad for them being able to entertain each other. He couldn’t always give Renji the attention he needed, which was a lot. He didn’t think he could have given Ichigo enough of his attention either for his situation. He got up carefully so as not to wake either of them. He would deal with this rumor mess today. The content of the rumors was concerning, and he had no idea if it would even do any good to punish the man who started them. He was annoyed because this wasn’t the academy and this drama was nonsense. Ichigo already felt horrible for what he’d done, and now it was made ten times worse by these unfounded claims.

He made his way to the dining area and noticed one of the servants smiling at him.

“Is there something you need?” he asked her as she sat down the breakfast.

“Nothing, Kuchiki-sama. You just seem more relaxed lately.”

She disappeared into the kitchens and Byakuya wondered if it was that apparent that he was in a better mood. Ichigo had that influence on him it seemed. He worried though. Ichigo hadn’t denied them anything and seemed willing to go along with everything he was told to do. That bothered him quite a bit because that could be an effect of the training his father had forced on him. He looked up in time to see Renji steering Ichigo into the dining area. He watched Ichigo closely and saw that same look on his face. It was somewhere between sadness and frustration to Byakuya’s eyes.

“Ichigo, I will be dealing with Higa today. Do you wish to be present?” he asked.

Ichigo’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “I’d rather not see him again. Especially while you’re dealing with him.”

“Come on, Ichi, eat something,” Renji harped on him and Byakuya couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips. He teased Renji about spoiling him, but the truth was he wanted to see him spoiled. It was something so different than he was used to. He sighed as he watched Ichigo studiously eat his breakfast, glancing now and then at Renji.

“I’ll go ahead this morning,” Byakuya stated as he got up. “Come to the office before you go out to the training grounds.”

Ichigo nodded and looked back at his breakfast, still half eaten. He continued to eat after Renji threw a glare his way.

Byakuya made his way to the sixth and immediately summoned Higa. He was a newer addition from the academy, and he supposed his youth might be to blame for his willingness to share stories of conquests.

He heard the knock on the door and called out, “Enter.”

“Kuchiki-taichou, you sent for me?” Higa said as he came to stand before the desk.

“I’m addressing some reports of rumors that have come to my attention that reports state were begun by you, Higa. Is this true?” he asked.

Higa shuffled his feet a bit. “Um, I might have said some things to friends while drinking the other night…perhaps embellished things in my state.”

“Embellished? Are you in the Gotei 13 or the Academy?” Byakuya demanded in his stoic way.

“The Gotei 13, sir.”

“Then I suggest you retract your statements regarding the story circulating about Ichigo Kurosaki. There is no foundation in reality for such a story as it is a complete fabrication.”

“Sir, it isn’t a complete fabrication…” Higa began.

Byakuya looked at him. “What part is not fabrication?”

“Um, my friend did see Kurosaki going into an empty barracks with Ikkaku from the eleventh,” he informed him.

“Yes, however the story that you spent the night with him is false. I am sure of this because the night in question he was at my manor where he is currently living.”

Higa’s eyes widened a bit; he hadn’t known that Ichigo had been staying with Byakuya by the look. “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know.”

“Now, what are we going to do to curtail this rumor?”

“I don’t know, sir. I can try and tell people I made it up, but most won’t believe me. I didn’t think things would be enough to reach your ears, sir.” Higa looked uncomfortable discussing the issue.

“You were turned down by him, is that correct? Is that your reason for spreading this story?” Byakuya asked with no expression on his face.

“Um, sir, I would rather not discuss that.”

“I would rather not have rumors flying about regarding one of the people that was instrumental in saving Soul Society from the likes of Sōsuke Aizen.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll do what I can, sir,” Higa said, trying desperately it seemed to get out of the office and away from Byakuya.

He stared at Higa. “You will do what you can to neutralize these rumors. You are also placed on suspension for one week. You may return next week. Dismissed.”

“Yes, sir,” Higa bowed and exited the office as quickly as he could.

Byakuya sighed and ran a hand over his head. Things were complicated if what he’d picked up was correct. Not only had Higa indicated Ichigo was willing to sleep with random people, he’d also indicated he wanted to be treated roughly. That meant that those approaching Ichigo were going to do so with violence. Byakuya wasn’t so much worried for Ichigo; he could take care of himself. He was worried for collateral damage if Ichigo did get into a fight with someone seriously. He knew that so far he was doing all he could to avoid confrontation.

He looked up as the door open and Renji and Ichigo came into the room. Still, Ichigo looked that same way, and it still bothered him.

Ichigo stood near the door to wait for whatever he was told it seemed. Byakuya didn’t like the fact he seemed to always be awaiting instructions.

“Ichigo, what would you like to do today?” Byakuya finally asked.

“Um, I figured I would train with the group again, if that’s what you’d like me to do. I could do something else if you need me to,” he said, confirming Byakuya’s suspicion that he was simply following whatever they said to do.

“You know, you have the freedom to choose what you do, Ichigo. There is no reason you have to wait for instructions from me.” Renji looked over at him from his desk.

“Yeah, you’ve been awful willing to do what we ask and don’t do anything else. What’s up with that?” Renji asked with a frown.

“I just want to do what you expect of me,” Ichigo answered, twisting his hands together in front of him.

“Ichigo…you aren’t speaking up about your wants, are you?” Byakuya asked with a deep sigh. It was as he feared.

“What does that mean, are you doing things you don’t want to do?” Renji asked with a look of annoyance on his face.

“Well, it hasn’t been like that. I like the things I’ve been doing so it is okay.”

“What happens when you don’t like something?” Byakuya asked.

“I’ll…I will tell you…?” Ichigo’s voice was questioning, as if he was looking for confirmation about his answer.

Byakuya stood up and walked around the desk. Ichigo looked worried as he approached him. He took his face in his hands and sighed. “You want to please us, but we want to please you. You aren’t required to do everything asked of you. There are some things that you must do, but there are more things that you have a choice in what you do.”

Ichigo stared at Byakuya’s eyes. “I don’t want to make you angry.”

“You cannot do that. Even if you did make one of us angry, anger isn’t a bad thing. You must learn that we aren’t doing this because we expect anything out of you. We are doing it because we care for you and want to see you get stronger and move past the trauma you experienced.”

Ichigo leaned forward a little and Byakuya responded by kissing his lips gently. Ichigo kissed back, wanting more from him. Byakuya responded by leaning in to lick at Ichigo’s tongue when it flicked out of his mouth. Ichigo seemed to melt into Byakuya’s touch as he opened his mouth to invite him in. Byakuya took a few minutes to kiss him soundly, exploring his mouth with slow strokes of his tongue. He broke the kiss and smiled gently at him.

“I can tell when you enjoy something. I won’t get angry at you, but I will be upset if you continue to do everything we say simply because you’re told. You have a choice in matters, and you should never feel like you have to do anything to please us.”

Ichigo nodded as Byakuya let go and returned to his desk. “If you wish to train with the groups today, do so, if you do not wish to do so, you can stay in here or return to the manor.”

“I…I’ll train with the group this morning,” he said. “I had an encounter with someone from the afternoon training,” he murmured and rubbed his arm.

Ichigo left and went to the training field, leaving Byakuya to watch from the window as he joined them. “Do you think he’s just doing everything we say?” Renji asked from his desk.

“I’m unsure; we will just have to be more careful when expressing things to him,” Byakuya explained.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo was once again getting ready to return to the world of the Living for his therapy appointment. Renji stood beside him at the senkaimon and held his hand. He knew they could easily be spotted but he didn’t care. He needed Renji to hold onto him so he couldn’t run away. And he wanted to run away rather than face the therapist again. He stepped through to the World of the Living and found himself in Urahara’s shoten. He was met by Kon and Karin.

“I’m seeing it but I still don’t believe it,” Karin said as she looked at Ichigo. Yuzu couldn’t see him, of course.

“Karin, hi, Kon,” Ichigo said but he still clung to Renji.

Kon was holding the stuffed lion and sighed. “I’m glad you are going to this appointment.”

A few seconds later, Kon was in the lion and Ichigo was in his body. He sighed and looked at Renji. “Are you sure I need to do this?” he asked.

“You do, I’ll go with you and wait in the waiting room for you,” Renji assured. Renji caught the look Karin was giving him as he transferred to his Gigai. She was observant, that was for certain.

They made their way to the office on the card. Renji felt out of place in his casual dress with all the business people that were walking around. Ichigo approached the check in counter.

“Um, I’m here to see Dr. Hirayama…” he said nervously.

“Name?” the receptionist asked without looking up.

“Ichigo Kurosaki,” he answered. She glanced up at him with narrowed eyes and nodded.

“Have a seat. Your friend will have to stay out here; he can’t go in the appointment with you,” she told him as she shuffled papers behind the desk

Ichigo went and sat down on a sofa by Renji. He grabbed his hand. “I don’t want to be here.”

“You need to talk to someone,” Renji reminded him.

Ichigo didn’t know if he liked this Dr. Hirayama or not. She’d asked him some weird questions last time he’d seen her. He wondered what kind of things she would ask him today. He was worrying over that very thing when he sensed someone nearby. He looked up to see the bespectacled doctor. He stood up, letting go of Renji’s hand slowly.

“Dr. Hirayama,” he said to her.

She nodded to him. “Good afternoon, Ichigo. Come back to my office,” she told him.

She led him behind the entry and down a short hallway. She opened the door to an office with her name on the plaque outside it. The inside of the office was cream colored with her desk and computer situated closest to the door. On the other side of it was a comfortable looking sofa. Ichigo took a minute at the door and went and sat down on the sofa.

“How are you today, Ichigo?” she asked.

“Fine,” he anwered as he looked around the room.

“Have you done anything this week?” she continued.

Ichigo nodded. “Um, I’ve been working on learning to use a sword better,” he said with a cautious look.

“Sword? That’s quite a hobby.”

“Yeah, I like to practice, but that’s all I’ve really been doing. And spending time with Renji and Byakuya.” He shifted uncomfortably and wondered how long he had to stay in the room.

“Are they your partners?”

“Yeah. I’ve been trying to make them happy.” Ichigo stared at his hands.

“Is that important, making them happy?” she asked, staring at him.

“Of course, I have to make them happy, otherwise what good am I to them,” Ichigo said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Is that what they said?”

“Of course not. They keep telling me I don’t have to do things they want me to do, but I need to do something.” Ichigo said with a nervous glance at the door. “But I feel like I have to.”

“Why is that? What happens if you don’t make them happy?”

“They might not want me around,” he said before he thought better of it.

“You feel like they only want you around for what you can do for them.”

“Well, yeah, that’s the basis of a relationship,” he said with a shrug.

“Did you ever think that they want you around just because you’re you, not for what you can do?” she wondered, pushing her glasses up her nose thoughtfully.

Ichigo looked at her. “I…I don’t know how to make something work like that. I feel like I have to be useful to them.”

“How are you useful to them?”

Swallowing a lump, Ichigo’s hands twisted together. “Well, I found out Renji has a higher sex drive than Byakuya, and sometimes wants more than Byakuya can provide. So I can help take care of that.”

She nodded and wrote something down on her pad. “You think sexual favors are what your purpose in the relationship is.”

“Well, they invited me because of my getting other people involved, so it started so I wouldn’t go to others…even though it didn’t matter since there are rumors going around about me because I told this guy I wouldn’t do anything with him.”

“Rumors?” she asked. “What kind of rumors?”

“Well, where I practice with a sword, it kinda is a tight knit group of people. The guy I turned down said that I was open to sleeping with about anyone and that I had slept with him, which I hadn’t. And that I wanted to be treated rough. Its all because someone saw me when I tried to get Ikkaku involved.” He sighed heavily. “So it is all my fault no matter how I look at it. I did it to myself.”

“Did you start the rumors?” she asked seriously.

“Of course not! Why would I do something like that?”

“Then you aren’t at fault for them. Rumors are like that. Tell me, do you have a creative outlet other than practicing with a sword? While that is a good hobby for physical aspects, it doesn’t offer creative mental outlets. Do you like to write, paint, or draw?”

“I used to draw a bit,” he said with a glance at the floor. “It was some pretty messed up things that came out of my head, though.”

She looked at him. “Did you like drawing? Did it help?”

“Sometimes it felt like it made me calmer,” he said and twisted his fingers together again.

“You seem to be uncomfortable. Tell me why that is?”

“I don’t know you that well, and telling you stuff is weird,” he answered truthfully.

She nodded. “That’s why it takes time to get to the work we have to do. Now, what would you like to tell me about? What are you comfortable telling me about?”

He paused, thinking. “I guess about my mother. I could talk about that.”

“Okay, why don’t you tell me about her.”

“She was the heart of our family, and everything revolved around her. She was the only one that could stop me from crying and could make me smile. I was happiest when she was around. Then, she was gone. I was with her when she died, but I don’t remember how she died. I remember being scared and then seeing her lying there. That was when I knew something was wrong with me because I’d done something, I was sure of it.”

“Your father encouraged that thinking.”

“Yeah, he did. He used to get so mad when I cried because he said he lost his only love and there was nothing that could bring her back.” Ichigo was silent then, breathing slightly heavy.

“Why don’t you focus more on your mother and tell me more about her, what you remember?” she told him.

“Okay…” Ichigo began and was surprised when she said their hour was up. He’d talked about his mom nearly nonstop for most the time, and he felt a little better about the doctor. She was good at listening, so that was good.

He left with Renji, and clutched his hand. As soon as they got outside, he felt the tears in his eyes. He turned into Renji outside the building and buried his face in his shoulder. Renji didn’t say anything, just put his arms around him and let him release the tears that had come from talking about his mother. He was surprised by them because he was trying so hard not to cry with the doctor.

“You okay, Ichigo?” Renji said as he held onto him.

“Yeah, just brought up some stuff,” he said and sighed, stepping back. “I didn’t want to do that in front of the doctor.”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t mind,” Renji said to him. “Come on, let’s go back to the manor. I think Byakuya wanted to spend the evening together.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

When they got back to the manor, it was early evening and Byakuya had sat down to dinner already. They joined him and sat down.

“Renji, I was wondering if you could take care of a couple things at the sixth,” Byakuya requested of him.

“Sure, what is it?” Renji asked and got up to go over to him and discuss what was needed of him. Ichigo took the chance to push away his food; he wasn’t feeling like eating much after the visit with the doctor. Renji soon had left, leaving him with Byakuya. The servants came and took away the dinner plates and Ichigo looked up to see Byakuya standing beside him.

“Come,” Byakuya told him, reaching for his hand.

Ichigo took it, feeling his face heat up. He hadn’t been alone with Byakuya before, so he wondered what it would entail. They got to his room and Ichigo sat down on the futon nervously. Considering what they had already done, he wasn’t sure why he was having butterflies. Perhaps it was because Byakuya, unlike Renji, was hard to read.

Byakuya sat down beside him and stared for a second until Ichigo felt his cheeks heat. He turned away only to have Byakuya put his hand on his chin and turn him back toward him.

“Tell me what you would like,” Byakuya said, searching Ichigo’s face for something.

“I don’t know, whatever you would like,” Ichigo answered, focused on Byakuya’s eyes. They were so clear and bright.

“That wasn’t what I wanted, now, tell me.”

Ichigo swallowed thickly and didn’t know what to say. He wanted to be told what he wanted, but he couldn’t use that answer. “Kissing is nice,” he said.

Byakuya nodded and leaned in to kiss lightly at his lips. Ichigo immediately opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, unable to get enough of the soft sensations that came from Byakuya. Kissing was so different than anything else; it was a sensation of connection and a mixing of breath that almost felt more intimate than sex did.

Ichigo melted into Byakuya’s arms, letting him support his body as he tried to get as much contact from his mouth as possible. Finally, need for breath won and Ichigo leaned back, staring up at Byakuya with hooded eyes.

Byakuya reached down and slid his hand against Ichigo’s front, finding him aroused and interested in what he was doing. “Do you want me to go on?”

“Yeah,” Ichigo gasped, not wanting the attention to stop. This was the first time he’d received Byakuya’s complete attention.

Byakuya untied Ichigo’s obi and helped him slip off his hakama. He then began to stroke him, finding he was dripping already. Byakuya pushed him down onto his back and began to kiss his throat while his fingers slipped down and inside him without warning. Ichigo gasped and found the sound swallowed by Byakuya. He ground back against his hand, feeling him reach for the spot inside that made him arch and moan.

“I’m the one who wishes to hurry things along tonight, it seems,” Byakuya said into Ichigo’s mouth, twisting his fingers until he could slide a third one easily inside.

Byakuya moved between his legs and kept working his fingers in and out of him until he was sure he was almost ready to come from fingers alone. He grabbed Ichigo around the base and held tightly, making him moan in frustration.

“Not yet,” Byakuya said as he scrambled to retrieve the oil from a pocket. He quickly coated his himself as he pressed against his twitching entrance. He slide forward, slowly entering him. He stopped when he was fully seated inside him, panting slightly from holding back. He then began a slow and steady pace, until Ichigo gasped out “faster” a few times. So Byakuya did as requested, increasing his pace until he knew Ichigo wasn’t going to last.

“Go ahead and go,” Byakuya whispered into his ear as he leaned over him, trapping Ichigo’s cock between them.

Ichigo arched and felt the building sensation crash into him, feeling Byakuya gasp against his throat as he thrust a few more times and found his own release. Ichigo felt the world fuzz for a little bit and he came back to it with Byakuya lying beside him, stroking his hair. Ichigo smiled at him and leaned up to kiss him quickly on the lips.

“Renji isn’t the only one that wishes to spoil you. I…am less forward than he is, however, as you can tell,” Byakuya said as he leaned forward and captured Ichigo’s lips in a kiss that quickly turned passionate and consuming.

“Why?” Ichigo asked suddenly. “Why me?”

Byakuya smiled at him. “Because you need someone to care about you. Renji and I wanted to be that to you. You need to feel needed and wanted. We need and want you.”  

**Author's Note:**

> Autism Self-Advocacy Network  
> • info@autisticadvocacy.org  
> • http://autisticadvocacy.org/  
> National Alliance on Mental Health  
> • 1-800-950-6264  
> • http://www.nami.org/  
> Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance  
> • 1-800-826-3632  
> • http://www.dbsalliance.org/  
> Transgender Youth Equality Foundation  
> • 207-478-4087  
> • http://www.transyouthequality.org/  
> Trans Student Educational Resources  
> • TSER@transstudent.org  
> • http://www.transstudent.org/  
> Stopbullying.gov  
> • https://www.stopbullying.gov/  
> PACERS National Bullying Prevention Center  
> • 1-800-537-2237  
> • http://www.pacer.org/bullying/  
> Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration  
> • 1-877-SAMHSA-7  
> • https://www.samhsa.gov/  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline  
> • 1-800-273-8255  
> • https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  
> Suicide Prevention Resources  
> • http://www.sprc.org/  
> American Foundation of Suicide Prevention  
> • https://www.afsp.org/  
> The American Association of Suicidology  
> • http://www.suicidology.org/  
> Crisis Text Line  
> • Text "Start" 741-741  
> • http://www.crisistextline.org/  
> S.A.F.E. Alternatives  
> • 1-800-DONTCUT  
> • http://www.selfinjury.com/  
> Trans Lifeline  
> • US: 1-877-565-8860 Canada: 1-877-330-6366  
> • https://www.translifeline.org/  
> GLBT National Youth Talk  
> • 1-800-246-7743 (M-F, 4pm-12am EST/Sat, 12pm-5pm EST)  
> The Trevor Project  
> • 1-866-488-7386 (24/7)  
> • Text “Trevor” 1-202-304-1200 (F 4pm - 8pm EST)  
> • http://www.thetrevorproject.org/  
> Disaster Distress Helpline  
> • 1-800-985-5990  
> • Text "TalkWithUs" 66746  
> National Sexual Violence Resource Center  
> • 1-877-739-3895  
> • http://www.nsvrc.org/  
> RAINN- Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network  
> • 1-800-656-4673  
> • https://www.rainn.org/  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline  
> • 1-800-656-4673  
> The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence  
> • 303-839-1852  
> • http://www.ncadv.org/  
> The National Domestic Violence Hotline  
> • 1-800-799-SAFE  
> • http://www.thehotline.org/  
> The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence  
> • 1-800-537-2238  
> • http://www.nrcdv.org/  
> Warm Ear Line  
> • 1-866-WARM EAR (927-6327)  
> • http://warmline.org/  
> National Human Trafficking Resource Center  
> • 1-888-373-7888  
> • Text BeFree (233733)  
> National Runaway Safeline  
> • 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) (24/7)  
> • http://www.1800runaway.org/  
> USA National Child Abuse Hotline  
> • 1-800-422-4453 (24/7)  
> National Safe Place  
> • Text SAFE and your current location to the number 69866 (24/7)  
> • http://nationalsafeplace.org/  
> National Eating Disorders Association  
> • 800-931-2237 (M-F, 11:30 am-7:30 pm EST)  
> • http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/  
> ANAD: National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders  
> • 630-577-1330 (M-F,12 pm-8 pm EST)  
> • http://www.anad.org/


End file.
